How to get your ass kicked by Jackie Chan

So I've been watching a lot of Jackie Chan movies lately. The man is incredible - I don't think I've watched any movie of his without saying "holy SHIT!" and meaning it at least once. But I feel bad for the families of the legions of bumbling thugs that he pummels in each flick. So here you are guys - some common mistakes rookie thugs tend to make when dealing with Jackie Chan.

1. Wear loose-fitting clothes
This is a common first mistake. Go watch Rumble In the Bronx. The first fight scene, in the grocery store, what happens to the guy with the jacket? Jackie wraps his jacket around the guy's head and punches the bejesus out of him until he apologizes to the nice lady.

Now, go watch Who Am I?. Near the end, the fight scene with the two guys on the roof in Rotterdam, what happens? The same thing - the guy in the suit is doing okay until he rips his jacket. Jackie gets a hold of it and flips him like a flapjack.

And the necktie? You've got to be crazy - You're fighting arguably the ass-kickingest guy in the world, and you're going in with a noose already tied around your neck? Forget it.

2. Fight near props
Another very common mistake, made very obvious in the above fight. The two guys on the roof are doing pretty okay against the whirlwind of fists and feet named "Jackie", but then the tide starts to turn, as it always does, in his favor. First they forget about the loose-fitting clothing, and then they let him get near the props. First, it's the railing - he's bouncing over it, diving under it, rolling back and forth - at this point fighting him is like trying to fistfight a mosquito. So they decide to move away from the railing, over towards the large, heavy sacks of concrete. This turns out to be A Very Bad Idea.

It doesn't matter what it is - sacks of concrete, a ladder, stilts, skis, a bucket, wooden shoes, a pool cue, a football helmet, a metal pot - get this guy near pretty much anything that isn't nailed down and you're sure to get your ass kicked.

3. Handcuffing him will only make him stronger
Who Am I? again. Here Jackie beats some of the best and brightest in the field of bumbling thuggery while handcuffed. Remember: He'll get out eventually. And handcuffing him will only make him angry.

Mr Nice Guy: Jackie helps a young, fairly attractive Austrailian reporter when she is attacked by gangsters. He wants nothing more to do with them, but when they kidnap his girlfriend he demolishes their leader's house with a heavy mining vehicle.

Police Story: Jackie has plenty to be mad about. He was set up by the drug dealer Ku and is wanted for the murder of another officer, but with Ku's goons lying in piles of shattered glass and a Hong Kong shopping mall in ruins, the case appears closed when the police rush in and are presented with evidence which clears Jackie and implicates Ku in countless crimes. However, when Jackie sees that Ku knocked his girlfriend down the stairs he beats him up, throws him into a shopping cart and kicks it through a glass cabinet.

Police Story 3 - Supercop The drug baron Shiabot drops Jackie's girlfriend out of a helicopter onto the roof of a car. Jackie proceeds to jump onto a rope ladder hanging from the helicopter, dangles there high above the streets of Kuala Lumpur and beats up Shiabot's goons, leaving Shiabot to be killed when the helicopter explodes after becoming stuck on top of a train and rammed into a railway bridge.