Are you tired of putting all your time and effort into teaching? Does the smell of freshly printed essay prompts and dusty chalk just not tickle your fancy anymore? Well, tough! If you studied enough to become a college professor, you've obviously spent too much time learning to do anything else with your life. It's time to dial it down and do as little as you can while remaining on the faculty. And with these easy tips, you'll be "that professor" in no time!

  1. Be boring. If your students aren't interested in what you have to say, there's no way they'll learn! In fact, practice your quietest, most unconvincing and timid voice. Make even the overachievers in the front row strain to hear your lesson. Better yet, try to hit that soothing monotone that seems to hypnotize people into submission. Liberally pepper your sentences with random "ums" and "uhs." In fact, just pause at random points in your sentence while you write on the board. Warning: providing engaging examples using diagrams and in-class exercises is a big no-no! You can get by with a simple 60-slide PowerPoint presentation, easy. Perhaps, if you're lucky, you can even throw in a few pie charts and bar graphs!

  2. Be incomprehensible. Hey, you already spent your years learning the jargon of your field, right? Why should you have to explain it to your know-nothing students? Let them sort it out. After all, they should be able to understand everything on their own. But hey. Perhaps your field is just too simple and straightforward and uses plain English for a lot of its terms. Well, that's no problem! It's not what you say, it's how you say it! Simply speak at a mile a minute and you'll be done with the class before your students can even toss out a cursory "excuse me."

  3. Don't ask or answer questions. A lot of teachers commonly make this mistake. The less communication you have between you and your students, the better. You're the teacher, and damn it, they're going to listen to you whether they like it or not! (But not too hard—see 1 and 2.) In fact, the more puzzled looks you see in your audience, the better. It just means you've got their curiosity piqued, after all. Keep the conversation as one-sided as possible, and if things have gotten out of hand and you see elements of a group discussion forming, act nice and hurried and get along to your next topic.

  4. Put off returning the homework. You don't want to give your students an idea of how well they're doing in class. Why, if they see that they're on the road to failure, they'll start bothering you! No, instead, simply grade the assignments as slow as you legally can without being fired. Better yet, delegate it all to the TAs—after all, it's not like they're busy with anything important.

  5. Stay out of reach. Your off-time is valuable, after all, and although you may be mandated to hold office hours by university policy, they don't tell you when! Try to put your office hours during either the times no one's awake or the times the college holds the majority of classes. Your bloodsuckers—sorry, students—won't have a moment to spare! It's brilliant! Meanwhile, you can kick back with a mug of coffee and your research, which is what you really came here to do anyway, right?

There are, of course, many other things you can do to drive away the unwashed masses, but if I told you that, I'd be teaching, now, wouldn't I?

While Ralenys uses a lot of tongue-in-cheek humor, he's quite right. I will note a couple of additions, some funny things to do, and how to frustrate your professor to no end. This info does come from someone who taught at the college level for eleven years.

For professors to frustrate students:

  • Do not take any personal interest in your students.
  • Never give them the benefit of a doubt.
  • If they have interesting attributes, stare at them until the student produces a can of mace.
  • Assume all papers are copied verbatim from the Internet. Mark down appropriately.
  • Know, in your heart, that every time you turn your back to the class, they flip you the bird. Frown back at them.
  • Make sure your tests have nothing to do with your lecture or what's in the book.
  • Make no attempt to work on your wacky accent or to slow down so people can understand you.
For students to frustrate professors:
  • Assume you can call them late at night when you're stuck on homework problem 37.
  • If the professor is female, smirk and act like she should be cooking your breakfast, not explaining particle physics.
  • Have your phone ringer set to Me So Horny, and have a long (and loud) conversation with the hottie you're trying to snare -- while in the middle of a lecture.
  • Don't put any effort into learning or preparing for the class, then get irate that the teacher doesn't stop everything for the rest of the class to catch you up.
  • Use your textbooks to prop up the table leg in your dorm.
  • Show up to take tests only, and act surprised when you have no idea how to answer a single question on the test.
  • After the test was due online, send an email to the professor and indicate you were having problems. Make sure you use your friend's email address: bartender@thepub.com
Funny things to do
  • Yodel your lecture.
  • Wear a Richard Nixon mask to class. Act irate when people ask about the mask.
  • After every sentence, note, "this is copyright by Shampoo."
  • Bring your pet angry hornets to class.
  • Declare you are uber-Amish and wear only fig leaves.
  • Yell out, "Jet-Poop and thefez ROCKS, BITCHES!" Run from the classroom and never return.
  • Show up in random classes. Have the homework ready to turn in. Act irate when they can't find you on the roll.

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