Maybe they're only picking up on your baleful glare in an Edgar Allan Poe sense. Or perhaps they're mistaking your frantic arm gestures with practice for conducting the London Philharmonic Orchestra or previously latent epilepsy. They might be shocked into paralysis at the notion that any customer could be so bold as to make a noise to solicit them. (That's practically lewd!) Well, my friends, it sounds like you need to employ the guaranteed technique I have devised for these situations: That's it. When all else fails, try putting things on top of each other which don't normally belong on top of each other - saucer on tea cup, for instance, maybe with a ketchup bottle on top of that. Three levels is all it takes - while you're looking around the table for the coup de resistance (the napkin dispenser or maybe a peppermill tipped at a jaunty angle) an employee will frictionlessly slither up to your table and inquire CanIHelpYou,Sir?

Why yes please - I'd like the bill. (A half hour ago, one mutters to oneself.)

Don't be a dick and make a mess. The success of this technique is the innocent threat of a pending accidental disaster, not the realization of one - that merely makes you a bad customer.

Also, do not employ this technique when eating out with engineers or you may find yourself incapable of leaving before the flatware-and-cutlery structure has a functional plumbing system and working elevators fashioned crudely out of Creamo containers.

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