As most people well know, Republican/Conservative Senators, like most Republican/Conservative people, are a particularly evil race of semi-humans who are imbued with certain evil super powers bestowed upon them by the malevolent god they worship and pay lip service to. They do things like pass laws to destroy civil liberties and give money to gigantic corporations - in the form of tax breaks - on a regular basis. And even though they claim to be against abortion, they feed on the blood of the babies of liberals and poor people to maintain their immortality.

Their most recent evil sin is eviscerating a health care bill, keeping a provision in that would fine people for not having health insurance, but made sure that the health insurance they could get to avoid the fine was kicked out of the bill. FUGM, indeed

Over the years many groups have been formed to try to kill these inhuman beasts, like the various zombie and vampire hunter associations that have cropped up across the country in the past century, but these groups fail because, unlike with zombies and vamps, the special methods required to kill these creatures are not well known, mostly because it was only back in the 1970's when these evil Republicons began to emerge. (Before then, as you might recall, Republicans were just the political party of big business, before they let themselves be turned by members of certain evil religions.) Well, after much research and spying on secret meetings of these foul semi-humans, I finally have some concrete, provable methods by which you can slay these Republicons. Finally you can have the tools you need to end their reign of terror.

Unholy Water

Water blessed by some of the nation's most prominent liberals, like Keith Olbermann or Bill Maher for examples, can be quite lethal to a Republicon senator. Use it in the same manner you use holy water on vampires. The most fun way is, of course, to put it in a water gun, like a Super Soaker. The Republicons will burn and melt if you apply enough of the water.

Sunlight

It will no doubt surprise you as much as it did me, but, like vampires, sunlight will also kill Republicons. The trick is, you've got to catch them before they get out of bed in the morning. They all have a special cream that they rub all over their bodies to protect them from the sun's harmful rays. Global warming is what has made the sunlight so lethal to them, whereas in years past it only caused them a really nasty sunburn. So what you have to do is break into their homes when dawn breaks and open up the shades before they've had a chance to get up and get to their morning routine, and blast them with a lethal dose of morning sunlight. There might be collateral damage if it's a male Republicon, as the mistress they are sleeping with in the hotel room might also catch on fire when they do, but sometimes you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet. At least, in most cases, their wives will be miles away and safe.

Proximal Money Tearing

If you are in close proximity to a Republicon Senator and are in full view of one, just take some money out of your wallet (make sure it is cash, breaking credit or debit cards won't work in most cases) and tear it in half. Seeing money destroyed like that will send any Republicon senator onto the ground and into convulsions. I have found that this will not always kill them, but you can use this method to incapacitate them so that you may employ some of the other methods listed here.

Liberal Overload

If you hit them with every left-wing bit of rhetoric that you can think of all at once, like complain about the Iraq war, corporate greed, health care, global warming, George W. Bush is a liar, George W. Bush is stupid, George Bush doesn't care about black people, how the poor are treated, how the illegal immigrants are treated, how fascist the Patriot Act is, etc. etc. the Republicon senator will get so mad, so enraged, that their head will explode. Now I know you must be thinking "But, I thought cutting their heads off didn't work! I've tried it! It just slithers back onto their neck and reattaches!" But I assure you, if the head explodes into many different pieces it will not come back together. Just to be safe, though, you might want to gather all the pieces up of the head and the body, burn them, and spread the ashes.

The Anal Method

And finally, the most spectacular way to end a Republicon senator: after theorizing that something to do with their rampant homophobia might do them in, I found out that shoving large, wooden dildos up the asses of the Republicon senators will slay them just as well as driving wooden stakes through the hearts of the vampires. They will scream horribly, their eyes will melt, and they will violently explode. The bigger the dildo, the more marvelous the explosion will be. Be sure to not be wearing anything nice while doing this that you wish to remain stain-free, as this will be quite messy. If you have a raincoat, wear it.


If you have discovered any more methods that I may have missed or were not aware of, I urge you to post them to this node, too. The more educated the public is on this issue, the better off society is on the whole.

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