Sound strange? The most I can offer is some quick advice. You want to take on his righteous wrath
, go for it. But there are some things you should know first. Bear with me now, and fast forward
to the point in the film after he returns to Shanghai
and discovers that his teacher and adoptive father, the Fist of Legend
, is dead. Ok, now he's walking out of the kung fu
school with That Look on his face.
Great. Ok, so he walks into the Japanese dojo
. Now all the students there are getting angry at him. Our lessons can begin.
NEVER be the first guy to run up to Jet Li
and slug him. He was waiting for that one since he walked in the door. You'll just end up getting your arm twisted around and then he'll probably throw you into a big crowd of your classmates.
Oh, man, did you see that guy? There's another important lesson. Flying jump kick
s don't really work all that well on this hombre
. You try to pull something like that, don't plan on having children. Now, you might think that just because you've got 40 or 50 of your classmates hanging around with you, you can just rush
him. As you can plainly see, that isn't going to work. Don't feel bad - It's not that you're a bunch of pansies
or anything. You just have to consider the mathematics at work against you
here. Note the following formula.
Kung Fu Ass Beating Formula
: Jet Li
V = S(17R)^2 + (X)
See, V is the total volume of ass, S is the scene number in the movie
, 17 squared is Jet's own personal Kung Fu Style
Coefficient, and R is the number of guys he beat the snot out of in the very first scene. Add X for the number of dead relatives
. In this case, it's scene number 15 or so, and he slapped about a dozen guys silly in the very beginning of the movie - remember? When the Japanese supremacists
came to his classroom? - So we add one for his dead teacher, and we're talking about a HUGE volume of ass. This equation also explains how Jackie Chan
could pull of the Enormous Satanic Monk-Beating bit during the last 45 minutes of Armor of God
. Clearly, this gang-up idea is just not gonna work out.
Anyhow. We can fast forward to the part where Jet has to fight his old pal, Orange Headband, for control of the kung fu academy
. Lesson Three. You are NEVER, EVER going to beat this guy with an old school formal
one-on-one duel. Not even if you're his childhood friend
, and especially not if you're trying to force him out of your school because you resent
his new teachings and influence. In this situation, he doesn't really want to make you look like a bop bag
in front of everyone
, but he's not going to sit there and take your punishment for long. And those selfsame new teachings are going to be the reason why your head breaks through all those potted plants
. Bad, bad, bad
The last lesson I have to offer is that you should try your hardest not to be the bad guy
. The bad guy usually does pretty well during the first hour and ten minutes of the movie, but he always ends up with Jet Li's toes wiggling around in whatever he ate for lunch. You want to take on Jet Li? For crying out loud, DON'T poison his old teacher
, don't kidnap his lover, kill his best friend or make fun of his shoes
. The point is that you don't want to make the kung-fu warrior as angry as possible before you fight with him. You want him to think you're just playing around until you get a chance to shove your No Shadow Kick
in his ear. And pick neutral surroundings, like a Wal-Mart
. Good luck.