Dear reader:
Let's talk.
No, for real, let's talk.
Let's talk about
everything that makes you who you are, and what you are. Let's figure out if we have any
common ground to stand on and if we can just... get along.
Let's really examine each other. Yeah, I drink a lot of
beer and smoke too many
cigarettes. I love
music. Some day I want to write music for a living. I wanna be a
rock and roll star. I want to be the modern version of
Beethoven.
What about you? Who are you?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Sometimes I get tired of the
internet in general. I sit at work all day and make
web pages and then I come home and update
BlackRage, or write about stuff on
everything. I think of new ideas that will be funny to half the world and enrage the other half, in hope that both halves will come here and at least be affected by something. Or that someone will read about music and be
enlightened. or something.
Maybe I want you to be
affected because so little affects me these days. I feel
forty when I'm only 21. I play
video games to escape. I go look at other
websites because I want to see if maybe someone from my
generation feels like I do. If maybe someone isn't destroying themselves solely for your
entertainment. If someone can create an
engaging, entertaining story without
lying to you about who they are. If maybe someone is just being
honest enough to not lie to you.
The world in general
disappoints me. It's upsetting that everyone wants to buy so much stuff and have this and make this much money and you very rarely hear of anyone really
doing what it is they
want to do. Or even knowing what it is they like to do. People
concentrate their passions on less
desireable things and then leave nothing for
creation or
philanthropy.
It's kind of sad but you
validate my days and nights sometimes. You make getting up in the
morning worthwhile. All I've ever wanted to do was
create something and give it to people. I'd like to think that out of the fifteen people that go to BlackRage to see me and my friends on a regular basis at least one or two of you aren't our
detractors. That you'd like to see us
succeed.
I've always hoped (and was raised with the
notion) that it's enough to be good. Going from one year of
conservatory study to the real world has taught me that
it isn't enough to be good. It's not enough to be a good person, or good at something.
I don't believe in God because I don't think he knows who I am.
I don't believe in God because if the torture he has put me through is part of his
master plan then he is inconsiderate of
my needs as one of His children.
I don't believe in God
because I don't think he believes in me.
I don't believe in anything sometimes. Sometimes it's just too damn hard.
It would be so easy to settle and give up. To just let go and accept my life as an
ordinary citizen of the world. To have a regular, unextraordinary life.
I am not a passenger on
Spaceship Earth. I'm a
composer, I'm a
writer, I'm a
poet, I'm a
comedian. And I live in
Texas.
It's difficult or me to be this honest with you, because personal honesty on the internet leads to
attrition,
preterition, and
dissociation if not
defilement and
spite.
No one wants to hear the truth. No one wants to know who you really are. They just want to see the
pretty pictures and get to know you on a
supply and demand basis.
Why do you think that is? Is it too boring?
I'll admit it. I'm a
fame whore. I keep BlackRage alive as the slumbering, lumbering, stumbling drunken beast it is because it's nice to
think that somewhere someone is engaging in an
activity I have provided for them.
Somewhere, someone is looking at what I've done. At that moment the
reaction doesn't matter so much as the very fact that someone is out there, reading.
Somewhere, someone is trying to
go home again. I know you can't.
I promise I'll give you more
music nodes soon. It's what I'm supposed to do here on
everything, but sometimes I have to do
something else so I can keep doing the thing I'm supposed to.
Tell me that you love me
but don't forget who you are...
Yours truly,
Beltane