I found this on Geeknews.com a long time ago. Finding it again was not easy. This is how a guy named eiher -X- or VodaK, or both, describes how the internet works.
The Midget System :
To understand "packets, bytes, bandwidth, and lag", you need to understand
the midget system. Thousands of bisexual, bikini wearing, alcoholic, and high-heeled midgets are in your modem, phone line, and on the internet. These midgets are responsible for the transferring of data between computers. We will now break down the complicated midget networking system into several
Modems - The first link in midget communication :
When you purchase a modem, you are, in essence, purchasing a mini-gay-midget
bar. These "bars" come in MANY different speeds and styles. The faster the
modem, the more midgets there are employed. (Hence the "pay more for a
faster connection" reality)
14.4 modems are the small "pubs" of the internet. Normally, you'll find lazy
washed out midgets here
telling untrue tales of football glory and war heroism. Being that "14.4
Midgets" are normally drunk,
the speed at which they communicate is quite slow.
28.8 modems are your standard "bar" at which you'll find single midgets
looking to get laid, plastered, and into trouble. Being that the "28.8
midgets" are normally horny and lonely, there speed of communication is much
faster than a 14.4 midget in the hopes that they'll get lucky if they move
56k modems are normally bars described as "midget orgy" lounges. Many
midgets are packed into the lounge itself, but due to extremely harsh sexual
liberation laws, most of the midgets sit around idly and are never put to
use. Therefore, the amount of midgets actually communicating is reminiscent
of a 28.8 bar.
ISDN modems are usually "midget discos". Although you pay for more midgets
to be employed, they are normally tripped out on the "disco crack" and are
extremely hyperactive. You can choose just how many midgets are employed at
your disco, but the price difference is amazing. Due to the fact that these
midgets are normally under the influence of the drugs that circulate at
discos, they are edgy and their communication speeds are extremely quick.
CABLE modems are, to put it bluntly, "midget whorehouses". Although the
price of a midget whore can be outrageous, owners of Cable modems are
extremely proud and happy with there performance. Depending upon the traffic
on the street where the "whorehouse" is located, midget communication may be
lightning fast, or a slow crawl. Hundreds of midgets hang out in cable
modems at all hours, simply trying to get laid. As stated above, internet
midgets are very horny.
Packets - Universal format for Midget Communication:
When a person connects to the internet, and tries to send or receive any
data from it, "packets" are formed. Packets are small "midget meals of
information" that are easily digested and regurgitated during midget
communication. These packets are constantly delivered from midget to midget.
Depending on the speed of the midgets connection, packets can take an
eternity to arrive. Several problems may arise when packets are being sent
Lag/Packet Loss - A loss of Midget Sanity
Normally experienced during multiplayer gaming, LAG can be caused by a
number of problems with midgets. Midgets that are prone to addictive or
obsessive behavior may find themselves causing lag among an entire midget
Alcoholic/Drunk Midgets… are commonly found in, on, and around multiplayer
These midgets are extremely sloppy and lazy, sometimes refusing to
communicate with other midgets all together. If a drunk midget stumbles onto
a chatty server, he or she will immediately "vomit" its packet of
information up and pass out on the floor. Other midgets normally react
harshly and refuse to communicate with that mess of information on the
ground. Server administration midgets are normally blamed during the loss of
communication for not removing the "mess". Eventually, the unconscious
midget is removed, the mess is cleaned, and the other midgets rejoice and
enjoy communicating once again.
Confused Midgets… normally hang around on websites and in web-browsers
themselves. Confused midgets are easily spotted and dealt with. The symptoms
of confused midgets may lead a user to think they are experiencing LAG, when
in fact, their midgets are 100% sober. When trying to load a website, or
download a file, confused midgets are hesitant about where to go and what to
do, so they sit idly. To give a confused midget a good kick in the ass,
simply click STOP (or CANCEL) and try to load or download again. The pain in
the midgets ass will immediately send it in the right direction to
communicate with other midgets.
Frequently Asked Questions :
Q: Why is my AOL connection so slow?
A: AOL uses its own midget bars to communicate with other midgets. AOL
midgets are normally pot smoking-ass worshiping-dog loving-transvestites
that move slower than 14.4 midgets.
Don't be fooled… the "user friendly" AOL midgets are normally midget crime
ring leaders that will rape your pets and steal your money.
Q: Why does my computer crash a lot while I'm on the internet?
A: A computer's crashing can be related to several known midget conditions.
The two types of midgets associated with crashes are DOS and GPF midgets.
The actual acronyms are pretty cute, but there is nothing pretty about these
DOS Midgets… are normally infected with sexually transmitted diseases.
Hackers, or "llamas" may try to use these DOS Midgets to "fuck your ports".
( The term PORT is another name for an entrance to your midget bar <modem> )
Once you are "fucked" by one of these DOS midgets, your machine will become
infected and crash. Generally, you will know if you are infected if your
midgets turn blue and cease to communicate.
GPF Midgets… are normally employed by Bill Gates. An employee of Satan's
(Microsoft's) empire, a GPF midget will crash any program it chooses at any
time. Some people will say that you need more RAM ( Viagra for your
midgets ) if you want to rid your system of GPF midgets. However, midget
impotence is NOT normally a cause of GPF errors.
*You can ALWAYS rid your machine of GPF AND DOS Midgets by switching to
Q: What is a 404 Error / Why are some websites GONE when I try to view them?
A: This is an extremely common occurrence in the world of Midget Internet
You must understand that midgets are people too. They eat (packets), breathe
(connection time), and lead lives (communicating). Some midgets, normally
SERVER midgets, wear jeans. The preferred jeans among midgets are Levi's 404
jeans. Sometimes, midgets are yelled at for staining their jeans with
"illegal packets of food". ( Pirated Software or Under 18 Porn ). If a
midget, or group of midgets, stain their jeans, they are removed from the
server. Thus, you get a 404 error because the stain you tried to locate is
no longer on a pair of jeans that is on the server.