Once upon a time, Everybody celebrated Uhg Day, this was a feast dedicated to the great warrior Guh, who was the first man to kill a tiger with his bare hands.

Since then, holidays have arguably gotten better and more sophisticated. At one point the Romans had quite a few holidays, every empire did. Holidays were usually celebrations of Gods, the deeds of Gods or high officials such as kings or Emperors and state related holidays. Then of course, the infamous "Christians overlapping all other religious holidays" which effectively eliminated any other religious holidays. I'm not wiccan, I have little to no idea what these old holidays were nor do I really care. This does not change the fact that I don't really care for a lot of the religious things that go along with our modern holidays.

Here are the holidays I propose to replace all of our holidays so that everyone may enjoy them:

X-Mas
The celebration of the fat red guy and getting presents. Fat old guys that fly are cool. James Dean was cool, I'm sure he would have agreed with my assessment of Santa Claus and his entourage of elves, deer and his gift giving fetish. Go Santa, this Nog is for you.

Egg Day
The celebration of sex and babies and all that silly shit we do to have sex and babies. Hey, if you can't laugh at yourself...well, we can laugh at you. Also, the celebration of bunnies and chocolate. I cannot eat chocolate because it hurts my teeth; I do however like bunnies. If you do not enjoy bunnies and sex and have no medical condition preventing you from these enjoyments we will be perfectly happy to split your share of the Marshmallow Peeps.

Get Naked Day
This is the day when all with the means fly to New Orleans or Brazil, get trashed and have sex in public for no other reason than to obtain cheap plastic beads. This holiday is rated R by the National moJoe Holiday Rating Association. For the kids, they just get the beads for free.

Put your Clothes on Day
The day after Get Naked day where we clean up, take Aspirin and try to focus on repairing the damage we cause the day before. A good exercise in humility and a reminder to all that, as fun as being naked and having sex is, we can't do it every day all day. Once the shrooms wear off the world gets all boring again, you know. As for the traditional forty days for this holiday, I feel that we, as adults of the new millenium, can derive simple little points and life lessons like these without self-debasement and torture. One day is more than satisfactory.

Scary Pagan Devil Worship Day
A holiday just for the kids!

Thanks, pass the Gravy Day A day for eating food. That's it, you go to Grandma's, and the object of this Holiday is to eat as much as humanly possible after saying a few words in kind about people who didn't have enough cash to spring for a turkey, chicken, cow or other large slab of dead animal slathered in gravy with stuffing and greens...mmm and cranberry sauce, oh my bujezus...the pie...THE PIE DID YOU SEE THE PIE..erm..*cough* Quite simply a day of gluttonous indulgence. Jenny Craig, eat your heart out.

Seintpattiesday
This is a heart-warming celebration of drinking, wearing green, drinking and pinching people on the bottom; oh, and did I mention drinking? Coincidentally, I am writing this on "Saint Patricks Day", a cheap rip-off of Seintpattiesday. Live music, drinking and bottom pinching galore make this the official "Day of sexual harassment" as well. If you can't abide a little ass pinching, wear lots of green or stay at home. Definitely not a day for the fuddies.


See? holidays that all can enjoy regardless of religious affiliation. =)

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