In some societies when your culture, hometown, and state are insulted you are supposed to beat the shit out of the responsible party. Since the responsible party in this case is Disney, I don’t have the luxury of taking a crowbar to his frozen dead noggin. But if they ever resurrect the fucker, I’m going to kill him… again.

The High School Musical Monstrosity is a pile of filth dragged up from the wretched pits of Hell, possibly near Dis, but more likely in Phlegethon. I’m not exactly sure where the filth mongers belong in Hell, but I’m sure the creators of the High School Musical Monstrosity; Misters Ortega, Schain, and Barsocchini—if the credits are to be believed—; are all probably going there.

The first real problem is that the music sucks. Like having your balls cut off sucks. Like having chile peppers threaded through your eyes suck. It’s completely impossible to listen to and every time a song came on I skipped ahead. Now, you might be asking if I actually saw the movie if I skipped all the music in a musical, but I assure you that there is enough awfulness in the incidental music that as you huff the saccharine off the webbing between your thumb and palm you will barely notice the difference.

The next problem I have is a bit of a personal problem, so bear with me for a few seconds. The show’s setting is “East HighAlbuquerque, New Mexico, and while Albuquerque is not my hometown, I have lived here for twenty out of twenty-three years of my life, so it is as home as anywhere can be. East High, which could possibly be assumed to be somewhere east and, based on what the student population looks like it is probably located between Eldorado High School and Manzano High School, possibly on Menaul Boulevard and Tramway where the gas station is. The student population is a bit manufactured as it has lots of white people, a few black people, and hardly any Hispanics. Now, one of the main characters is Hispanic, but if my memory of school is accurate I believe that almost every third person even those that looked white had Hispanic names. And there were like two black people. Albuquerque itself is almost never shown and that’s because the Monstrosity was filmed at a real high school in Utah called East High. Possibly so that they didn’t have to change any signs because the crew is obviously composed of lazy pendejos. I suppose going to school in Utah would imply that all the characters were Mormon, so the producers changed the local to New Mexico so as to keep everybody religiously inoffensive.

Now, the acting is bad too, but I can hardly blame the actors for that. They were probably being pisared by the director.

The plot is all right, I guess. I have a bad habit of watching bad things while drinking highballs (In this case it would be Alabama Slammers with vodka substituted for the amaretto), so the plot details are a little fuzzy after awhile, but despite periodic breaks in my attention I can say emphatically that the plot follows thus so:

Some nerdy girl nobody would ever like, played by Vanessa Anne Hudgens, meets some teenage douchebag played by the ridiculously named Zac Efron at a New Years party some place faraway and do the first of the musical numbers under a lame karaoke pretense. The girl is a jerk and doesn’t give him her number, but that’s okay since they go to the same school in far off sunny Albuquerque. The douchebag is a basketball player and the girl pines for him and then there’s a half-baked (and not the good kind because drugs likely don’t exist in this bloated pile of shit Disney World) romance plot involving the basketball douche trying out for the high school musical for the girl and then the basketball team tries to keep him from trying out and the rest is pretty much horseshit. It’s as bad as Mean Girls without the saving grace of hot chicks.

Not to say that any of the chicks aren’t hot. They all just look underage. None of them are, I don’t think, but I can’t be bothered to check the IMDB to make sure. Nor do I care. This is a fecal firestorm of shit. No lie.

Soundtrack:

  1. "Start of Something New” The only song I listened all the way through.
  2. "Get'cha Head in the Game” Sounds like urine on the heads of puppies.
  3. "What I've Been Looking For" Can’t vouch for. I skipped it.
  4. "What I've Been Looking For (reprise)" Can’t vouch for.
  5. "Stick to the Status Quo" Can’t vouch for, but based on the name I think it’s okay to write this one off.
  6. "When There Was Me and You" Can’t vouch for. I will note that all high schools in films look a lot richer than any I’ve been in save La Cueva High which looks a bit like a mall inside.
  7. "Bop to the Top" I stopped the program and drank heavily for awhile.
  8. "Breaking Free" Sung during the high school musical’s callbacks. Worth two shots of vodka and a swig of sloe gin.
  9. "We're All in This Together" The hell we are.

This movie is perfectly acceptable to watch when you’re too drunk to pay attention to it. The plot is concise at least and is easy to follow, but the bubblegum pop world that the story is set in and the terrible foulness of the songs is more than worth its share of bile. I’m not a fan.

It won an Emmy for its choreography and I suppose it is a pretty impressive feat to wrangle all the post-teen actors about, but really couldn’t that award have gone to, I don’t know, Bill Maher: The Decider or whatever other nonsense is out there?

Oh and it won a Teen Choice Award too, but that reward is presented by FOX so we can ignore it without worry.

Actually, we ignore the entire existence of the High School Musical Monstrosity without consequence. It will pass down the toilet of time, forgotten like the mediocre pile of shit it is, and finally when its young preteen fan-base are all dead or senile it will no longer plague the Earth like a festering sore and all will be right with the Universe.

I feel better already.


Sources? Ha! Just the movie.

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