1. Never admit you don't know the answer. This will only cause the end user to start theorizing wildly and wasting (more of) your time.
  2. Never tell them you're putting them on hold just to get a breather from their mindless blather. Tell them you're researching their problem. See rule 1.
  3. Never get your supervisor or worse, his (or her, obviously) supervisor, involved. Never let the user get supervisors involved. Not even to compliment you—that's a clever ruse, that one. Your supervisor doesn't like having to deal with the users any more than you do, but he has the authority to be loud and angry about it.1
  4. You know everything. You have their account information. You have their address. You have the records of their previous calls. You have the name of their cat. Never be afraid to demonstrate your infinite knowledge. A little fear goes a long ways.
  5. You know everything. See rule 1.
  6. For the duration of the call, the user is your puppet. Do not let them do anything without your say-so, and do not forget a step—puppets aren't smart.
  7. Your weekend begins Tuesday night and ends Wednesday morning. Keep this in mind when scheduling dates, vacation time, or any sort of a personal life. Scheduled maintenance, on the other hand, is whenever you have no idea. See rule 1.
  8. You know everything, and you are never, ever wrong. See rule 1.

1 In extremely rare situations you can spin this to your advantage. Use with caution, and remember where your towel is.

(In case of nodeshell rescue, you can save only yourself)

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