He forgets I am my own fierceness; it's not for him

The first time I kissed Jason, we were parked on a deserted midnight street. The first time I felt him up was in a dark boring theater. The first time I undressed him was in my house, on a weeknight, with my parents out of town. This series of firsts took less than 24 hours.

Here is the thing: Jason was convinced it was him corrupting me. I know you are not this way, he said. I know it is my fault that you are breaking all these rules, he said.

Here is the thing: What an arrogant asshole. As though his sheer masculinity overwhelmed me. As though his raw power overrode any sense of control I had. Ha.

He did not know it could have been David. He did not know it could have been Adam. He did not realize (how could he not have realized?) that it was me leading him through the steps. He did not realize it was my own rebellion taking us from one broken rule to the next.

Hello, I should have told him. Hello, I will be your young sinner. Hi. Do not worry about corrupting me, dumbass, I already have that under control.

"Strength is sexy in a woman," he to me the day after I had completed my first self-defense training course. "I mean, there's nothing more attractive than a woman who is powerful."

I wasn't too sure what to think of this. On one hand, he was complimenting my strength, my power, and he was admiring my ability to kick the shit out of him. That was, on one hand, very enlightened.

On the other hand, something about the assumption that my power was sexual also bothered me. I am a person who abhors violence, but I am also a woman in a world where women get attacked and raped ... I needed to know these skills because of danger, not because I wanted to attract new suitors.

Wondering if I was overreacting, I carefully said: "I appreciate your support. It is awesome that you are not intimidated by fierce women ... but I'm not doing this for you. I do all of this for myself."

He snickered and joked: "Sure, whatever. You're just trying to pick up men."

"No," I assured him. "Although there's nothing sexier than a powerful woman for you, it's infinately better for me to be a fierce woman. For myself."