The world needs to be a much more horrible place, and if nobody else is going to make it one, you should, right? The best place to accomplish this, of course, is at the one place lots of people find themselves daily: the road. In this writeup, I'll guide you through the process of being as much of an asshole on the road as possible.

1 - Stop at inappropriate times

This one is my favorite, especially since people that hit me if they're not paying attention will be entirely at fault for the accident. I'm not quite evil enough to do this to most people unless they're seriously tailgating me...but I've been known to anyway. Doing this at a left turn at a busy intersection is the most likely way to get rammed, although it can certainly be done on normal roads as well: if you're going to do this anywhere besides a turn, it's most effective in a no-passing zone. If you have a passenger in your car, instruct them to wave their hands about wildly as if in a serious argument. It's also funny if they get out of the car and (looking furious the whole time) scream at you through their window, as this effectively prevents drivers behind you from passing you on your right. Unnecessary road stops are best performed extremely quickly, to the confusion of your passengers, followed by a "GET OUT OF THE CAR" and angry look, but you may certainly conspire with your passengers if you only wish to irritate the people behind you.

2 - Carry a megaphone. Use it.

I've heard many people during my life comment that they wish they could, in one way or another, convey messages to lackluster drivers, whether they be tailgaters, drunk or just plain ugly. Well, this is my way of doing that. I bought my megaphone on eBay a few years ago, and have yet to regret it. The uses for the megaphone are innumerable. If you're driving behind a drunk driver, they are the best prey for your evil tricks: they are especially wary and confused, and will likely think they're about to be arrested when the megaphone comes out. As soon as they make out the string of obscenities and literary references being hurled towards them, however, they can only evaluate the event for what it is: surreal and pointless.

I'm sure we're all tired of those spandex-clad road bikers, too...they seem to be under the impression that they are not people but, in fact, cars, and they display this by biking in the middle of the road to prevent anyone from moving. They also like darting out during red lights into oncoming traffic. They'll likely learn nothing from you shouting an ear-shattering, distorted "BIKE ON THE FUCKING SIDEWALK," but that doesn't make it any less fun to do. You might as well just run them over, while you're at it. God, I hate them.

Of course, the best possible way to put your megaphone to use is to confuse pedestrians. A copy of some subversive literature (The Communist Manifesto, Steal This Book, etc) together with a megaphone, the inner city and a full tank of gas makes for a fun afternoon. If you don't have any subversive literature of any sort, you can make up for it by simply repeating words like "bourgeoisie" and "proletariat." Same difference. You'll leave behind you a long string of confused and possible angry people. Celebrate with cocktails.

3 - Honk for prolonged periods of time

This one must be done carefully - people will only assume you're a jerk if you don't have some sort of excuse to honk, so your best bet is to pretend you've died. Honk with your head against the horn. Also, take your foot off the gas and drive in as straight of a line as possible. If there are passengers in your car who appear to onlookers to only be sitting idly by as you die at the wheel, it's very unlikely that they will think that is what happened: passengers should both scream loudly and wave their arms about.

4 - Blast horrible or generally abrasive music at tightly packed intersections

Your best bet for this is either pornogrind music or harsh noise music - there's no end to the supply of musical trolls on the internet who will spend weeks making the worst sounds possible. If there are song titles like "Titfucked by Tauntaun" or "Blood Bukkake," you know you're on the right track.

This one is performed best in a two or three-lane intersection that takes at least a minute to alternate between red and green lights. Turn up the 'music' as loud as possible. Roll down all your windows. If there is screaming or grunting of any sort in the music, you have to sing along; don't even think about just mouthing it, either, sing as powerfully as you can, so that it's clear to the people in other cars that you're doing it. Remember, you're not trying to look like you're just trying to irritate people: you're trying to look like you're insane. You might want to drool and thrash your head about wildly. If people try to inch forward to escape the lunatic behind them, follow suit and pull up next to, if not into, their bumper.

Well, I hope you enjoyed my attempt to morally corrupt you. Please don't do any of these things to me.