When in the course of human events the humans can't find their collective ass with a flashlight, the time is right for more single-minded and purposeful species to assume their proper places of power.
The American people have cried out, and the American people have been heard. Their demands for domination, subjugation, control, militarism and absolute squeezing power have reached the crushing watery abyss; home of the GIANT SQUID.
GIANT SQUID has two tentacles and eight arms, each representing not only massive grasping death but a plank in the Giant Squid Party platform. They are as follows:
- One Center. Since the Legislative branch has done little but demonstrate its overwhelming desire to stop providing any sort of voice in Federal matters to its members' constituents, and has instead become little more than a rubber stamp to the Executive, the Congress will be dissolved and all governmental powers returned to the Executive. The Constitution will be fed to GIANT SQUID.
- One Voice. Expanding from the recently implemented concept of "embedded journalism", all news media will be required to submit their material for approval by the Administration. In return, the media will be granted total access to approved areas and events. The public should not notice any difference in the quality and content of news. Any "independent journalists" will be fed to GIANT SQUID.
- America for Americans. It will be a crime to be a citizen of any country other than the United States. All Foreigners will be fed to GIANT SQUID.
- Every Citizen A Sucker. Like the deadly grasping power of the suckers on a muscular tentacle, all Americans will be immediately drafted into a branch of the military. Once every last square inch of the planet's land surface has been annexed by the United States the citizens from the Home Territories, or their descendants, will be released from service. Pacifists will be fed to GIANT SQUID.
- Thirteen Meters of Fiscal Responsibility. You are all on your own. Whereas might makes right, the Federal Government will continue to collect taxes at current rates but eliminate all spending other than military appropriations and subsidies to local police forces. Tax resisters will be fed to GIANT SQUID.
- Oceans for the Ocean Dwellers. The US Navy will be eliminated as well as oceangoing vessels of any kind. Anyone approaching within ten yards of a shoreline will be fed to GIANT SQUID.
- Common Decency. Calamari is deprecated.
- Sex Education. Vasectomies and tubal ligations will be mandatory for all people over the age of puberty. Condoms will be required at all times. All children born after the Inauguration will be fed to GIANT SQUID.
- Thirteen Meters of Foreign Policy. See planks three, four and five.
- Campaign Finance Reform. This party will end campaign corruption by canceling all future elections.
Friends, citizens, Americans. It's time to empower a leader who holds your most treasured values dear. And if that leader can also be of pants-wettingly horrible countenance, so much the better. Place your trust, your votes, and your future children in the hands of GIANT SQUID.
VOTE GIANT SQUID!
Giant Squid and Knife Fight Monkey in 2004!
a message from the Giant Squid Party
The Giant Squid Party: Horrifying America's enemies since 2002.