Certain kinds of concerts attract certain kinds of people. When I was a kid, I went to tiny punk shows with bands no one had ever heard of, and the obnoxiousness was fairly predictable and you could avoid it if you stayed away from the moshpit. Now I go to shows in bars attended by thirty-something yuppies and college kids with popped collars who've heard a single on the radio and want to feel cultured.

I have a few stereotypes to add to the list.

The Short Girl - I hate the short girl. I want to kick her in short little kneecaps. The short girl wouldn't be so bad, except that she almost always shows up with The Very Large Boyfriend. The VLB wraps himself around her, which seems to create some sort of psychological cocoon wherein she feels it's ok to dance like she's at a Dave Matthews concert. The Short Girl is always rubbing her body parts on me and acting completely oblivious, and I can't give her an elbow because her Very Large Boyfriend might Do Something.

The One Night Stand - I don't actually have anything against couples at shows, but I do feel a show is the wrong place to try and get to know someone in hopes of fucking them later. These people are totally distracting. They usually start off ok, but then they drink too much trying to work up the courage to go home together, and by the encore they're baby-talking over the music and giving each other handjobs and it's a little creepy.

The Surreptitious Pot Smoker - This ain't Lollapalooza, sweetheart. We can all smell that. Did you bring enough for everyone? No? Then take care of it in the car before the show like everyone else.

The Adults - The Adults stand around in a circle as though they were at a cocktail party, hating on modern music. When the band comes on, they also do the Dave Matthews dance. In the meantime, though, they proclaim inane things, such as that they can't distinguish between Joy Division and She Wants Revenge.

The Season Pass - Friend of the owner, janitor, busboy, who knows. This guy shows up, is sloppy drunk, has never heard of the band, and wants to talk during the entire show. He's been to every show the venue has held for the past three months and would rather relive those and compare this one to them than listen to the music.

The Scene Kids - If you pay $20 for a ticket and all you do is hang out in the photobooth or take cameraphone pictures of yourself in your little Pussycat Dolls get-up, you'll probably feel closer to the band if you just add them on Myspace.

And finally..

The Claustrophobic Misanthropist - Goes to a lot of shows and doesn't seem to enjoy any of them. Blames this on the other people in the crowd. Spends the bulk of the show glaring and plotting ways to "accidentally" spill peoples' drinks down their fronts. Writes nasty, passive agressive things about them on her blog or other digital outlet after the fact instead of just saying, "Hey, can you get off my foot?" and getting back to having a good time.