*Nodeshell rescue*

Slice a loaf of French bread in half, then add pizza toppings: sauce, pepperoni, cheese, etc. Shove it in the oven (On a cookie sheet!) at a decent temperature, say 350 degrees. Let it bake until the cheese fully melts and the toppings begin to look crispy. Remove it (use an oven mitt). You can now either slap it on a plate, or slice it and move it to a plate (or platter, if you're making it for a group). Ingest, avoid burning fingertips or tongue. When finished, smile and say, "Damn, that was good."

Alternately, for the more lazy among us, go to your nearest grocery store (in the U.S., at least) and head for the frozen foods section (also known as the food for stoners section). There, seek out the happy orange boxes of Stouffer's French Bread Pizza. Repair to your kitchen; follow the instructions on the box, and eat two yummy pieces of artificial food product. Don't worry, there is no way to avoid burning some part of your mouth unless you pass out while they're cooling off and don't find them for a couple of hours.

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