Good news, after last night's tirade I woke up feeling better about many things. I want a safer car. My ex owes me money and owns a car that's worth about what he owes. He would like to buy my oldest a car for her sixteenth birthday. I would like her to have transportation as well. If he would give me his car I would cancel his debt and give the car I have to my daughter. There are refinements to this plan, but that's the basic outline. There's a chance he'll say no, but I'm proud of myself for identifying what I want and trying to find cash free ways to go about meeting my transportation needs. Most of the time I feel like a remote and distant parent. I've decided on an alternate strategy after reading a blog post last night.
Instead of trying to mend relationships with my children, I need to figure out how to resolve some of these childhood issues I have with my parents. Once I go down to four days a week I'm going to ask my mom if she'll go to therapy with me. Again, she might say no, she's always 'busy', but people make time for things and people that are important to them. She says the right things at times, but the tone and actions rarely follow her words. I have a book on forgiveness that I'm reluctant to read, it will go on my calendar anyways. This is a step I need to take in order to move forward. Other things I'm going to do include buying some things for myself and outsourcing things like cleaning that I hate to do.
Six months from now I want to be in a position to date other people. I have to fall in love with myself before I can begin forming external connections. This is the last time I'm going to tell myself that I've finally found someone, but our issues don't play well together. Six months from now I'm going to be moving. A new place will be a clean slate and a fresh start. My friends at work will help me. People I know outside of work will be supportive. My life can be better and change is within my power. Planning my week was helpful, it's an overwhelming task, but once I do it I'm happier and less anxious. Planning is a habit I can cultivate. Maybe I'll go buy some books on how to plan or peruse what I have to see what methodology I can review. I remember one book in particular that was helpful.
Today I'm going to go bowling with my youngest daughter's eighth grade class. I'm not sure why I dread things like this. It will probably be something I enjoy once I get there. I think I'm frustrated and angry because it feels like I do so much for my children that they don't appreciate. This is the lament of parents everywhere. It's my day off and I signed up for something I didn't want to do, this is on me, not her. I have some time before I need to leave to get things done. Tomorrow is beauty day at work. I'm really looking forward to that. Yesterday a woman asked me about my skin. It's funny because I work with two women who are skincare professionals, but I routinely have people telling me how beautiful my skin is.
Perhaps at some point in time I'll write more about this, but for now I'll tell you what I tell most people who ask me what to use. The reality is I was born with this skin. Genetics play a role in our appearance, but we can make the most of what nature has gifted us with by taking exceptional care of ourselves. For me skin care is getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, managing my stress levels, putting high quality, small quantity foods into me, and making sure that I have enough laughter, love, and light in my life. I use some higher end skin care products, but I would give them about ten to fifteen percent of the credit. It may be as high as 25 or as low as 5%, there really isn't a great way to determine what contribution products make to my outward appearance.
In a letter I wrote that won't be sent I said that there are a lot of pretty faces and hot bodies who are so fucked up they've lost their outer beauty. Who you are inside determines your beauty. Your actions toward others are what makes you beautiful. I'm a beautiful person because I give generously and have learned how to forgive myself and others. Anger ages you. Guilt clouds your eyes and turns them toward your feet. Knowing how to walk is one thing, being able to hold your head up high when you stride across the concrete floor at work is powerful. Confidence is attractive. Knowing who you are and that you don't need anyone else to complete you, that type of security will give you an unassailable sense of self.
Being a woman is wonderful when you recognize that a partner is there to complement, support, and encourage you. Never settle. Hold yourself accountable. Being single isn't the worst thing in life, as a matter of fact, it may be one of the best gifts you can give yourself at this moment. Freedom is priceless. It can be yours. I'm learning how to make it mine and that's a pretty cool realization.
Until next time,
J