Parody of serious astrological horoscopes. Popularized by The Onion. Supposed to be funny. Here is an example of my own making:
- Aries: (March 21--April 19)
You are not actually an Aries but think it's cool to read everyone's horoscope... you nosy cow.
- Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
Despite the nice Mother's Day Gift, your mom will still never forgive you for the vase you broke at age 3.
- Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
You really DO want to be a millionaire, and I'm sure someone who cares will become available shortly.
- Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
Read the name of your sign again slowly, then break into tears.
- Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
A lost item of yours will remain lost until you find it. But you won't.
- Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
scavenged suspect cellspacing drunk manager Superman
- Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
If you round down, you don't have enough time left to justify an entire horoscope.
- Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
If you do nothing else this week, remember at least the melody to "Feelings." For God's sake, sing it with me now: "Feelings, nothing more that feelings, etc."
- Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
This space intentionally left blank.
- Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
You will continue breathing at least one more week, even if we DO have to use every life-support technique we know.
- Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
You actually aren't the stupidest person alive! But if he were to die...
- Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
If you were born in February, go read the horoscope for Aquarious today. Otherwise, you were born in March! Good for you.