Everything Rumors

(idea) by Jet-Poop (2.9 hr) (print) ? (I like it!) 7 C!s Fri Dec 03 1999 at 0:55:46

Well, here's what I've heard:

pingouin once ate ten pounds of cabbage in one sitting and spent the next three days in the bathroom.

Britney Spears is one of Everything's Best Users. Her username? bozon.

dem bones is a professional Liberace impersonator.

moJoe likes to node wearing a tutu.

passport owns the largest asparagus ranch in Montana.

Jinmyo has had four artificial hearts implanted in her body, allowing her to run like a cheetah, leap like a gazelle, and belch like a walrus.

LaggedyAnne eats 10 pounds of corn every day.

shaogo is the composer of the Hot Pockets commercial jingle.

Chras4 is an enlightened master of the School of Armpit Monkey Kung-Fu. It involves holding her armpits over her opponents' faces and hooting loudly.

256 can swallow a whole pumpkin.

TenMinJoe once threw Buddy Hackett off the Chrysler Building.

Due to an unfortunate embroidery accident, wharfinger has a staple gun where his left hand should be.

anthropod's most prized possession is a frozen lasagna once owned by Louis XIV.

A family of chickadees nests in Roninspoon's back hair.

golFUR is the secret King of the Chimneysweeps, destined to unite the world's chimneysweeps as they clean a whole lot of chimneys.

Catchpole evolved from gherkins.

cbustapeck flings squirrels at the elderly.

Sarcasmo needs pruning shears to trim his toenails.

izubachi prefers to be addressed as "OUR IMMORTAL LORD OF SPAM." Yes, all-caps and everything.

sid is small, furry, and green.

JeffMagnus is the president of the Beverly Hillbillies Fan Club.

iceowl likes to blow his nose in the Jell-O at restaurant salad bars.

Most of the "odd characters" nodes are actually based on Queequeg.

smartalix can spit a watermelon seed 400 yards, if conditions are right. One of the conditions is a 400-yard-tall building he can stand on top of.

kamamer's real name is kamamer. Just one word. Yes, just like Cher.

grundoon writes long letters to newspapers warning of the danger posed by the "Space Ponies."

Augustine was struck by lightning and gained the ability to glow dimly and attract moths.

borgette likes to ride around town on the back of her trusty panda, Edgar. borgo is towed behind in a little red wagon.

artman2003 suffers from canine distemper.

machfive wants to give you $20. Yes, you!

StrawberryFrog is a known accountant and has been seen using files in public.

FeltTips is calling from inside your house!

Bitriot is known and feared throughout the criminal underworld as the Velveteen Snugglebear.

sensei likes to sit in bus stations and argue with people about the correct pronunciation of "bologna".

Spuunbenda is secretly the author of a children's book called "Clucky-Poo the Chicken and the Very Horny Hillbilly."

Inflatable_Monk is a professional alligator wrestler. It pays much better than you would expect.

Scriblerus has baked you a pie! (Do not eat it.)

Servo5678 is a friend to children!

Gamaliel is a Brazilian hoochie-coochie girl.

sneff trains hippos to kill!

yclept scares the holy living hell out of Ann Coulter.

^Davion^ is the Captain of your Heart.

segnbora-t's life story was adapted, with very few changes, for the TV show "Knight Rider".

JayBonci's diet consists solely of boiled owls.

Oolong is so tall, he has to climb a ladder to comb his hair.

GangstaFeelsGood feels really, really good.

BrooksMarlin is a close personal friend of Abe Vigoda.

JohnnyGoodyear believes that kittens are unholy.

BookReader is wanted in four states for illegal snorting of chocolate syrup.

Focus is the world's most huggable cage fighter.

icicle was raised by a family of armadillos, and thus she has a tendency to roll into a ball any time she sees a pickup truck.

generic-man used to be the drummer in a Bad Company tribute band.

tetrisboy must wear 80 pounds of lead strapped to his body to keep from floating into space.

CrAzE has sworn a sacred oath to punish pandas for their sins against the world.

Ancientsnow feasts upon the flesh of the innocent.

TheBooBooKitty does not actually own a computer. He writes all his nodes by telegraph.

Radar lost his fortune after investing everything in "Macarena" pogs.

WolfDaddy is responsible for the untimely deaths of the first four Ronald McDonalds.

Professor Pi's real life closely resembles the film "Videodrome".

O-Swirl writes erotic fan-fiction about the Banana Splits.

LaylaLeigh is the inventor of the Catkins Diet, which allows you to lose weight by eating cats.

ascorbic is the Secret King of Uruguay.

Who let the dogs out? DTal did.

ushdfgakjasgh is trained in the art of love, the science of assassination, and the craft of macrame.

momomom loves bacon!

graceness owns a life-size model of Mount Rushmore made out of graham cracker crumbs and butter.

ideath is a Belgian spy on a secret mission to destroy the American way of life and force us all to eat Belgian waffles.

Gritchka is the new Captain Caveman.

Heisenberg is a planarian exactly an eighth of an inch tall.

Walter is known worldwide as the inventor of the Robotic Wal-Mart Greeter.

eien meru is actually an unusually large Yorkshire terrier.

IWhoSawTheFace has been injected with experimental nanites that allow him to leap 20 feet in the air and to prefectly impersonate a sleeper sofa.

Avalyn invented shrimp scampi.

RainnStarr's home is infested with badgers.

Thanks to severe childhood trauma, Jurph firmly believes that Skeletor is going to eat him.

skybluefusion gets paid thousands of dollars a year to groom Gene Shalit.

XWiz is riding across the nation astride a mighty elk. He does not know how to make it stop.

jaubertmoniker is a well-known personality on the professional clog-dancing circuit.

Lucy-S habitually snorts Lik-M-Aid.

waverider37 once punched Steve Guttenberg so hard that both Guttenberg and waverider's hand exploded.

The 1906 San Francisco earthquake? Teiresias' fault. He apologizes.

Timeshredder is in direct psychic contact with the malign Mars Turkeys.

jessicapierce is insanely wealthy, having cornered the lucrative tin market in Bulgaria in the mid-1980s.

drownzsurf once coughed up a hairball the size of a cantaloupe.

Uberbanana isn't all that uber.

Cool Beans really, really likes beans. Could somebody crack a window?

kthejoker killed Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny!

Kizor lives under the big wheel on the "Wheel of Fortune" set.

Swap can speak the secret language of the bison.

Spackle can urinate root beer.

Devon_Hart invented a time machine solely so he could go back in time and bitch-slap Calvin Coolidge.

kanoodle is the Spaghetti King of Peoria.

doyle was the model for Reddy Kilowatt.

Evil Catullus fears puppies.

bewilderbeast eats 150 pimento-cheese finger sandwiches every day.

Wuukiee can bench-press four tons.

Palpz is able to eat his weight in flour every day.

The Custodian is stalked by murderous pelicans.

RACECAR worships an eldritch deity he calls "Apocalypse Cow."

Pedro did not raise enough money for his ministry and was "called home" by God.

etouffee is the owner of a restaurant called Taco Fucko. It is widely acknowledged to be the most horrible Mexican food restaurant in the world.

Pint wears a prosthetic ass made of solid gold.

GrouchyOldMan is really a grouchy young man.

Wiccanpiper is a springbok.

Lord Brawl giggles uncontrollably every time he hears the word "shoehorn".

Junkill's official job title is "The Ambassador of Gettin' Dowwwwn."

General Wesc is not really a general.

pukesick worships a graven image of Wesley Willis.

iamkaym worships a graven image of Victor Mature.

Simulacron3 once got stuck in a bidet.

RoguePoet's award-winning omelets are made by eating a whole egg, waiting two minutes, then vomiting it up into a frying pan.

montecarlo possesses a magic ring which allows him to command hordes of noxious kittens.

rootbeer277 is the unquestioned master of the art of getting Madagascar hissing cockroaches to make love to each other.

Starke is being stalked by Joan Rivers.

bipolarbear will be at the Holiday Inn on I-22 all next week performing "Greatest Disco Hits of the '70s."

haze smuggles cocaine and Fabrege eggs inside swans' butts.

Ereneta smuggles cocaine and Fabrege eggs inside his own butt.

Ouroboros smuggles swans inside his own butt.

Mitzi once killed Vin Diesel.

panamaus carries a bunny with him at all times so that, in times of stress, he can stroke the bunny and sing "Oh, Bunny, I love you, you make me so calm and continent..."

Myrkabah is able to swallow and regurgitate a whole 20-pound ham.

wertperch impresses girls by asking why they don't call Ovaltine "Roundtine." The package isn't oval!

Hatshepsut begins every day by biting a baby in half and dining on a live dolphin.

Yossarian cries like a baby every time he watches "Sleepless in Seattle".

Gorgonzola cries like a baby every time he watches "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers".

Braunbeck can fit a whole canteloupe in his mouth.

allseeingeye is able to drink two quarts of gravy in a sitting.

Fruan wears a loincloth. On formal occasions, he will also wear a bowtie.

Angela's middle name is Waldo.

Tem42 is a Mafia enforcer.

wonko is known throughout the restaurant industry as "the J.R. Ewing of Thousand Island salad dressing."

Pseudo_Intellectual is the leader of a fringe Mormon polygamist cult and has over 30 wives, all named "Gertie".

prole once got in a slapfight with Professor Stephen Hawking. She won!

m_turner can fart the "1812 Overture". You should try to be at least a mile away before he gets to the cannon fire.

Templeton spends $30,000 a year on her expensive Nutter Butter habit.

Posmella enjoys dressing as a riverboat gambler.

bol gets completely shit-faced after two bottles of light beer.

Tlachtga's real name is Queen Piffypuff. She lives in a castle in the clouds in the Magical Land of Tinklybutt. She has a magical dog made of meat and a magical cat made of other cats.

Jack eats at least two cups of mayonnaise a day.

Noung is David Hasselhoff's evil twin.

TheDeadGuy is hung like a moose.

hamster bong likes to sniff other people's armpits in public.

Habakkuk's first job: biting the heads off chickens in the circus.

arcanamundi keeps frozen peas in her pants for fun and education.

To keep his skin soft and cheesy, Tiefling bathes in jalepeno queso dip every morning.

After too many years of watching cartoons, Excalibre enjoys dropping anvils onto common barnyard animals.

--OutpostMir-- can be induced to soil himself by scratching him behind the ears.

stand/alone/bitch lives in a house made of human bones.

bob the cow? Not a real cow...

Tregoweth is the world's foremost expert on Morris dancing.

riverrun is the world's foremost expert on Morris beds.

Scribe is the former mayor of Slapout, Oklahoma.

dannye is covered with obscene Pokemon tattoos.

Andromache01 is able to inhale a live squid through her nose.

exceptinsects is the world's greatest performer on the electric bassoon.

MacArthur Parker possesses secret powers of Super-Flatulence.

Demeter's day job? She plays