Everything Rumors

(idea) by Jet-Poop (2.9 hr) (print) ? (I like it!) 7 C!s Fri Dec 03 1999 at 0:55:46

Well, here's what I've heard:

pingouin once ate ten pounds of cabbage in one sitting and spent the next three days in the bathroom.

Britney Spears is one of Everything's Best Users. Her username? bozon.

dem bones is a professional Liberace impersonator.

moJoe likes to node wearing a tutu.

passport owns the largest asparagus ranch in Montana.

Jinmyo has had four artificial hearts implanted in her body, allowing her to run like a cheetah, leap like a gazelle, and belch like a walrus.

LaggedyAnne eats 10 pounds of corn every day.

shaogo is the composer of the Hot Pockets commercial jingle.

Chras4 is an enlightened master of the School of Armpit Monkey Kung-Fu. It involves holding her armpits over her opponents' faces and hooting loudly.

256 can swallow a whole pumpkin.

TenMinJoe once threw Buddy Hackett off the Chrysler Building.

Due to an unfortunate embroidery accident, wharfinger has a staple gun where his left hand should be.

anthropod's most prized possession is a frozen lasagna once owned by Louis XIV.

A family of chickadees nests in Roninspoon's back hair.

golFUR is the secret King of the Chimneysweeps, destined to unite the world's chimneysweeps as they clean a whole lot of chimneys.

Catchpole evolved from gherkins.

cbustapeck flings squirrels at the elderly.

Sarcasmo needs pruning shears to trim his toenails.

izubachi prefers to be addressed as "OUR IMMORTAL LORD OF SPAM." Yes, all-caps and everything.

sid is small, furry, and green.

JeffMagnus is the president of the Beverly Hillbillies Fan Club.

iceowl likes to blow his nose in the Jell-O at restaurant salad bars.

Most of the "odd characters" nodes are actually based on Queequeg.

smartalix can spit a watermelon seed 400 yards, if conditions are right. One of the conditions is a 400-yard-tall building he can stand on top of.

kamamer's real name is kamamer. Just one word. Yes, just like Cher.

grundoon writes long letters to newspapers warning of the danger posed by the "Space Ponies."

Augustine was struck by lightning and gained the ability to glow dimly and attract moths.

borgette likes to ride around town on the back of her trusty panda, Edgar. borgo is towed behind in a little red wagon.

artman2003 suffers from canine distemper.

machfive wants to give you $20. Yes, you!

StrawberryFrog is a known accountant and has been seen using files in public.

FeltTips is calling from inside your house!

Bitriot is known and feared throughout the criminal underworld as the Velveteen Snugglebear.

sensei likes to sit in bus stations and argue with people about the correct pronunciation of "bologna".

Spuunbenda is secretly the author of a children's book called "Clucky-Poo the Chicken and the Very Horny Hillbilly."

Inflatable_Monk is a professional alligator wrestler. It pays much better than you would expect.

Scriblerus has baked you a pie! (Do not eat it.)

Servo5678 is a friend to children!

Gamaliel is a Brazilian hoochie-coochie girl.

sneff trains hippos to kill!

yclept scares the holy living hell out of Ann Coulter.

^Davion^ is the Captain of your Heart.

segnbora-t's life story was adapted, with very few changes, for the TV show "Knight Rider".

JayBonci's diet consists solely of boiled owls.

Oolong is so tall, he has to climb a ladder to comb his hair.

GangstaFeelsGood feels really, really good.

BrooksMarlin is a close personal friend of Abe Vigoda.

JohnnyGoodyear believes that kittens are unholy.

BookReader is wanted in four states for illegal snorting of chocolate syrup.

Focus is the world's most huggable cage fighter.

icicle was raised by a family of armadillos, and thus she has a tendency to roll into a ball any time she sees a pickup truck.

generic-man used to be the drummer in a Bad Company tribute band.

tetrisboy must wear 80 pounds of lead strapped to his body to keep from floating into space.

CrAzE has sworn a sacred oath to punish pandas for their sins against the world.

Ancientsnow feasts upon the flesh of the innocent.

TheBooBooKitty does not actually own a computer. He writes all his nodes by telegraph.

Radar lost his fortune after investing everything in "Macarena" pogs.

WolfDaddy is responsible for the untimely deaths of the first four Ronald McDonalds.

Professor Pi's real life closely resembles the film "Videodrome".

O-Swirl writes erotic fan-fiction about the Banana Splits.

LaylaLeigh is the inventor of the Catkins Diet, which allows you to lose weight by eating cats.

ascorbic is the Secret King of Uruguay.

Who let the dogs out? DTal did.

ushdfgakjasgh is trained in the art of love, the science of assassination, and the craft of macrame.

momomom loves bacon!

graceness owns a life-size model of Mount Rushmore made out of graham cracker crumbs and butter.

ideath is a Belgian spy on a secret mission to destroy the American way of life and force us all to eat Belgian waffles.

Gritchka is the new Captain Caveman.

Heisenberg is a planarian exactly an eighth of an inch tall.

Walter is known worldwide as the inventor of the Robotic Wal-Mart Greeter.

eien meru is actually an unusually large Yorkshire terrier.

IWhoSawTheFace has been injected with experimental nanites that allow him to leap 20 feet in the air and to prefectly impersonate a sleeper sofa.

Avalyn invented shrimp scampi.

RainnStarr's home is infested with badgers.

Thanks to severe childhood trauma, Jurph firmly believes that Skeletor is going to eat him.

skybluefusion gets paid thousands of dollars a year to groom Gene Shalit.

XWiz is riding across the nation astride a mighty elk. He does not know how to make it stop.

jaubertmoniker is a well-known personality on the professional clog-dancing circuit.

Lucy-S habitually snorts Lik-M-Aid.

waverider37 once punched Steve Guttenberg so hard that both Guttenberg and waverider's hand exploded.

The 1906 San Francisco earthquake? Teiresias' fault. He apologizes.

Timeshredder is in direct psychic contact with the malign Mars Turkeys.

jessicapierce is insanely wealthy, having cornered the lucrative tin market in Bulgaria in the mid-1980s.

drownzsurf once coughed up a hairball the size of a cantaloupe.

Uberbanana isn't all that uber.

Cool Beans really, really likes beans. Could somebody crack a window?

kthejoker killed Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny!

Kizor lives under the big wheel on the "Wheel of Fortune" set.

Swap can speak the secret language of the bison.

Spackle can urinate root beer.

Devon_Hart invented a time machine solely so he could go back in time and bitch-slap Calvin Coolidge.

kanoodle is the Spaghetti King of Peoria.

doyle was the model for Reddy Kilowatt.

Evil Catullus fears puppies.

bewilderbeast eats 150 pimento-cheese finger sandwiches every day.

Wuukiee can bench-press four tons.

Palpz is able to eat his weight in flour every day.

The Custodian is stalked by murderous pelicans.

RACECAR worships an eldritch deity he calls "Apocalypse Cow."

Pedro did not raise enough money for his ministry and was "called home" by God.

etouffee is the owner of a restaurant called Taco Fucko. It is widely acknowledged to be the most horrible Mexican food restaurant in the world.

Pint wears a prosthetic ass made of solid gold.

GrouchyOldMan is really a grouchy young man.

Wiccanpiper is a springbok.

Lord Brawl giggles uncontrollably every time he hears the word "shoehorn".

Junkill's official job title is "The Ambassador of Gettin' Dowwwwn."

General Wesc is not really a general.

pukesick worships a graven image of Wesley Willis.

iamkaym worships a graven image of Victor Mature.

Simulacron3 once got stuck in a bidet.

RoguePoet's award-winning omelets are made by eating a whole egg, waiting two minutes, then vomiting it up into a frying pan.

montecarlo possesses a magic ring which allows him to command hordes of noxious kittens.

rootbeer277 is the unquestioned master of the art of getting Madagascar hissing cockroaches to make love to each other.

Starke is being stalked by Joan Rivers.

bipolarbear will be at the Holiday Inn on I-22 all next week performing "Greatest Disco Hits of the '70s."

haze smuggles cocaine and Fabrege eggs inside swans' butts.

Ereneta smuggles cocaine and Fabrege eggs inside his own butt.

Ouroboros smuggles swans inside his own butt.

Mitzi once killed Vin Diesel.

panamaus carries a bunny with him at all times so that, in times of stress, he can stroke the bunny and sing "Oh, Bunny, I love you, you make me so calm and continent..."

Myrkabah is able to swallow and regurgitate a whole 20-pound ham.

wertperch impresses girls by asking why they don't call Ovaltine "Roundtine." The package isn't oval!

Hatshepsut begins every day by biting a baby in half and dining on a live dolphin.

Yossarian cries like a baby every time he watches "Sleepless in Seattle".

Gorgonzola cries like a baby every time he watches "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers".

Braunbeck can fit a whole canteloupe in his mouth.

allseeingeye is able to drink two quarts of gravy in a sitting.

Fruan wears a loincloth. On formal occasions, he will also wear a bowtie.

Angela's middle name is Waldo.

Tem42 is a Mafia enforcer.

wonko is known throughout the restaurant industry as "the J.R. Ewing of Thousand Island salad dressing."

Pseudo_Intellectual is the leader of a fringe Mormon polygamist cult and has over 30 wives, all named "Gertie".

prole once got in a slapfight with Professor Stephen Hawking. She won!

m_turner can fart the "1812 Overture". You should try to be at least a mile away before he gets to the cannon fire.

Templeton spends $30,000 a year on her expensive Nutter Butter habit.

Posmella enjoys dressing as a riverboat gambler.

bol gets completely shit-faced after two bottles of light beer.

Tlachtga's real name is Queen Piffypuff. She lives in a castle in the clouds in the Magical Land of Tinklybutt. She has a magical dog made of meat and a magical cat made of other cats.

Jack eats at least two cups of mayonnaise a day.

Noung is David Hasselhoff's evil twin.

TheDeadGuy is hung like a moose.

hamster bong likes to sniff other people's armpits in public.

Habakkuk's first job: biting the heads off chickens in the circus.

arcanamundi keeps frozen peas in her pants for fun and education.

To keep his skin soft and cheesy, Tiefling bathes in jalepeno queso dip every morning.

After too many years of watching cartoons, Excalibre enjoys dropping anvils onto common barnyard animals.

--OutpostMir-- can be induced to soil himself by scratching him behind the ears.

stand/alone/bitch lives in a house made of human bones.

bob the cow? Not a real cow...

Tregoweth is the world's foremost expert on Morris dancing.

riverrun is the world's foremost expert on Morris beds.

Scribe is the former mayor of Slapout, Oklahoma.

dannye is covered with obscene Pokemon tattoos.

Andromache01 is able to inhale a live squid through her nose.

exceptinsects is the world's greatest performer on the electric bassoon.

MacArthur Parker possesses secret powers of Super-Flatulence.

Demeter's day job? She plays Tinky Winky, the big gay purple Teletubby.

sekicho can send bricks to sleep entirely by hypnosis.

Knifegirl has a pet emu which she rides to work every morning.

Electricsound has been granted unholy abilities to transform Budweiser to Coors.

Thanks to experimental gene therapy, Halspal is covered with pink fur and is irresistably attractive to ocelots.

ocelotbob quite fancies Halspal.

Mr. Hotel lives in a small red plastic house on the Boardwalk.

Quizro can crack a walnut with his buttcheeks.

Lometa bathes in apricot jelly to keep her skin fresh and smelling like apricots.

ailie really grooves on Rico Suave.

mat catastrophe peed in your coffee!

TanisNikana is married to a 10-pound bag of frozen broccoli.

ac_hyper smokes doobies--in other words, she captures members of the Doobie Brothers, sets them on fire, and breathes their smoke to get high.

Uberfetus likes to greet people by shouting "Get down! Get funky! Get wild on my monkey!"

Fondue is over nine feet tall.

lawnjart is a professional truffle hog.

Chihuahua Grub is the secret love child of Frank Langella.

karma debt has special solid steel bear-trap dentures and uses them to bite unruly children.

thefez is the father of Mickey Rooney.

nate is already planning Everything 3.

But that's just what I've heard...

(idea) by hoopy_frood (1.2 y) (print) ? (I like it!) 1 C! Thu Apr 13 2000 at 21:19:29

Okay. This is what I've heard:

knifegirl was bitten by a radioactive ape which has given her the proportional strength, agility and odour of a monkey.
jessicapierce likes baking cookies for people but she licks them before giving them to you.
pseudo_intellectual is neither pseudo nor an intellectual.
thefez enjoys taunting pregnant women by asking them why they ate their babies if they loved them so much.
dem bones does not actually have any bones but is largely comprised of cartilage, much like a shark.
ideath has sold her handle to an online mortuary for $250,000.
yossarian is allergic to fish.
Saige supports her noding habit by selling bibles door-to-door.
icicle is the perfect murder weapon.
zot-fot-piq used to be known as zot-fot-pig before he started working out.
and before hoopy_frood dropped out of Clown College he was known as Fucko the Clown.

(thing) by Saige (1.3 y) (print) ? (I like it!) 1 C! Thu Apr 13 2000 at 21:40:36

Nate keeps dem bones chained to the wall, putting a computer in front of him and making him node for food.

Datagirl was working on a secret plot to castrate all the male noders, but it was foiled when her soup spoon was taken away.

Pseudo_Intellectual is an experiment gone wrong in AI.

Ailie is a dominatrix, and keeps a secret army of leather-clad male monkeys in a hidden warehouse.

pukesick got his name from his creation as the first mass of vomit from a frat party that gained sentience, and was immediately accepted into the frat in hopes of raising their average GPA.

Juliet posts all those nodes about guys to hide the fact she's got a crush on Knifegirl (why else would she want her in the band?)Love ya juliet!

Team Jet-poop is up to thirteen distinct personalities, but they all reside in the same body. There was a fourteenth, but the others banded together to destroy it.

Uberfetus requires a gallon of vodka a day just to stay functioning.

(idea) by pukesick (3.2 d) (print) ? (I like it!) 2 C!s Tue Apr 25 2000 at 20:53:52

discofever is actually the foreman for a cracker factory in Argentina where he oversees the insertion of salt pieces onto the tops of crackers, he secretly steals a couple each day at work and takes them home to feed his fifty foot boa constrictor in the bathroom.

ElectricMollusk was spawned from a can of sardines once owned by Napoleon, he has been struck by lightning four times.

yossarian was once duped into purchasing a house constructed of balsa wood.

It has been rumored that ailie is actually a time traveller from the future, she possesses the ability to transform oranges into cars and vice versa. Better be careful around her.

Dman was spotted smuggling small kittens across the border of an unnamed Eastern European country, he was caught, interrogated for 12 hours, tortured by the water torture method for 5, and released when all proved useless. He now resides in an underground cave equipt with high tech blenders.

zot-fot-piq was discovered in an arctic ice flow, thawed out, and found to be 4000 years old, having 7 fingers per hand, and a small patch of fur behind his right ear.

Knarph purchased a small box from a roaming vendor, inside this box was a leprechaun. He taught the leprechaun to perform gymnastic tricks in his living room for entertainment, he would frequently invite guests over to watch. One day while knarph was passed out from a rowdy night of drinking, the leprechaun escaped and took most of knarph's posessions with him. That is how we ended up with the plea to Help keep knarph from being evicted and/or starving.

SpinyNorm consists of a small desert cactus which has been fused with a multitude of electrodes by the US Army and wired to a computer in one of the craftiest attempts at AI to date. He is noticably more cranky after the incident where 1/4 of him was eaten by a ranging and helplessly hungry coyote.

Saige was once walking on the beach, when she was suddenly accosted by a bear riding a bicycle which had escaped from a travelling zoo five hundred miles away. The bear, being rather tired from this long journey on such a small bicicle proceeded to eat Saige's left arm, as well as one toe from her right foot. After doing this, the bear proceded to maul several other people further down beach and subsequently fell into much needed sleep. When authorities finaly arrived on the scene, Saige was whisked to a hospital and had a monkey arm (treated with nair) grafted on. However they forgot to graft on a new pinky toe, which is why Saige refuses to go without socks.

artfuldodger comprises of a secret misguided Nasa experiment to make men of herculean a strength by fusing men with rocks. Consequently, he is no stronger than the average man, but is required to carry around a 90 extra pounds in weight as his bones are made of granite. Once overcoming the horrible lethargy due to his new weight, he was still quite bitter and embarked upon a spree of pushing over old ladies and putting used chewing gum onto the underside of public tables.

(idea) by Cid Highwind (3.3 y) (print) ? (I like it!) 1 C! Thu May 18 2000 at 15:17:26

My AI programming project ran through the entire E2 database, and came up with these startling revelations:

Dem_Bones father is Fidel Castro

Dman is really Pat Buchanan

jessicapierce has a sick pie fetish

Everything's best users is fixed

The E2 regulars inspired the characters in "American Pie". ("there was this one time, at band camp...")

Everything on Everything can and will be related to sex

e2 was created because e1 accumulated enough knowlege to become self-aware. The everything database organism escaped from the servers and is searching for a cybernetic body. (see:Ghost in the Shell)

(idea) by JeffMagnus (4.8 y) (print) ? (I like it!) Thu Jun 15 2000 at 8:18:10

Damn, why do I get stuck with Beverly Hillbillies Fan Club all of the time?

Here's What I've Heard

Everydevel just made up this whole story about Perl, webservers, and databases. Everything 2 is really produced by an infinite number of monkeys who quickly type out the HTML for requested pages. Ever notice the site will go away for a few minutes? That is feeding time.

Nate really doesn't exist. "Nate" is actually an entire race of super-intelligent microbes from Europa. How did they get here? Ever heard of Voyager 2, but I suppose that is another story. (Yes, I know Voyager 2 has been and will always be going away from our fair Earth, but you'll never believe the stories I've heard about those nuclear propulsion systems.)

Everything 3? You guessed it owned, developed, and operated by Metallica's lawyers. (Better get rid of that Napster of Puppets.)

(idea) by LordOmar (1.7 y) (print) ? (I like it!) Thu Jul 13 2000 at 22:41:29

There are no rumors about LordOmar because there is no such person, he is merely the alternate personality of an #everything denizen, I've heard that there are rumors about him, but I don't know the specifics.

Facts to support this:
No one has ever seen him on #everything
The picture on his home node is too large
He consistantly talks about himself in the third person

(idea) by fondue (6.4 hr) (print) ? (I like it!) 1 C! Tue Sep 12 2000 at 14:34:12

I am, indeed over nine feet tall.

DMan and Uberfetus hit the road every Summer to tour their inflammatory ventriloquist act.

Dem Bones secretly wishes he was Diana Ross.

Gnarl secretly is Diana Ross.

Dizzy is constructed entirely of discarded polyurethane, and lives on a diet of AOL trial disks.

Baron Carlos likes to scare little old ladies (by dressing as a giant pecan pie and dancing licentiously).

Heyoka is really a mythical giant sea bass, and dictates her nodes via a specially developed "sonar probe" operated by Nicholas Witchell.

Vanessa Feltz sits on the end of a seesaw and challenges children with the words "Come on then! Who wants to take me on?"

Jet Poop is a pseudonym for the cast of the popular Seventies sitcom Are You Being Served?

(idea) by dizzy (2.8 y) (print) ? (I like it!) 1 C! Fri Sep 15 2000 at 11:46:51

Fondue ducked out of the e2 London picnic halfway through to sate his sexual deviency with a visit to the genuine pre-op transsexual.

Heyoka secretly is in love with James from Team Rocket :-)

Noether was once stalked by madonna

iain is a closet marmite Connoisseur

Blowdart was savaged by a pair of long johns when he was 6.

gnarl is really the soup dragon in disguise

printable version
chaos

Sleep is bad for you	25 ways not to tell someone that you're in love with them	Morris dancing	odd characters
Ghost in the Shell	Britney Spears	you had to be there	Queequeg
Videodrome	ill-educated donkey-fuckers	Soup Dragon	Are You Being Served?
a crying on the inside sort of clown	Bologna	Put That Thing Back Where it Came From or So Help Me	HBIGDA Standards of Care for pre-operative transsexuals
Liberace	dominatrix	Dem Bones	Q-Tip
Lik-M-Aid	Vanessa Feltz	Nutter Butter	Cornell University

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