The science of teaching bacteria to speak, as described by Stanislaw Lem in his sci-fi book Imaginary Magnitude. It is done in steps:

  1. Get some bacteria and a bunch of Petri dishes.
  2. Grow some bacteria colonies.
  3. Cull those colonies that don't grow in either dots or straight lines. Now breed the rest.
  4. Cull those colonies that don't grow in dot-dash formations along a single axis. Now breed the rest.
  5. Cull those colonies that don't grow in formations that correspond to Morse Code. Now breed the rest.
  6. Cull those colonies that don't grow in Morse Code strings of words. Now breed the rest.
  7. Cull those colonies that don't grow in proper sentences. What you have left is bacteria that speak.

In the book, these bacteria were able to predict the future. But it was usually only about stuff that mattered to bacteria.

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