I've noticed a link
between my processing of emotion
. I thought it might be wise to share this, in case it helps anyone.
It's currently 3am and the doctor's prescribed sleeping pills are sitting in my bedroom, right beside my bed. Also much much higher up in the room, on the ceiling in fact two spiders are making webs. There's a small one, and a big one further along. I'm not scared of spiders, never have been really. I have a plan for dealing with the spiders, it involves throwing a roll of kitchen paper to knock them down and using a couple of spare pieces to sweep them up and out the window. It is an excellent plan, however I have done nothing about it. Just like the sleeping pills..
I know I'm depressed. The logic is there. I tried the sleeping pills, they work. They really do. But they're pointless if you're too depressed to take them at 11pm each night because your mind is on other things. Well, more precisely it's delaying being on other things.
I had a coke today, it was over nine hours ago, I don't think it's the caffiene keeping me up. I can think fine. I just can't write poetry. It's like there's glass over my soul. I cried a little a few moments ago, about things that are well beyond my control. There are things within my control, that I can do something about. But I can't. No motivation. Like the spiders. Like the sleeping pills. Like the fact I've so much work to do that I can't think about it otherwise it will bury me. Or that I have to go around the world soon, and I'm miles away from finishing my Phd. That the smartest guy I know who's closest to me in my field is drowning near the end of his PhD. etc etc..
I could go on.
There is a point. However.
Depression is a disease. It's like diabetes, or even cancer. You wouldn't apologize for having them, so you shouldn't apologize for it either; there is a chemical component as well as an emotional one that subverts the normal logical process, or, more precisely, renders it largely irrelevant in the decision making process. I know logically it is futile to make long lasting decisions right now. I also knew it emotionally before I became depressed tonight, and hence I know with a fair degree of certainty that I won't kill myself, or do anything silly like call someone just because I need to talk. It's 3.45am for goodness sake. People need sleep.
There is a deeper point also. Depression is dissociative consciousness, it's a detached frame of mind. And this detachment is often a naturalised state which occurs after a series of emotional decisions which involve distancing, repressing, or delaying processing of emotional realities. I guess I'm saying I'm a coward. If you feel what I feel right now, you'd be astonished I could call myself that. There are things I know it's best I not deal with right away, so I put them off. I want to be afraid. To worry properly. To feel frustrated. It doesn't matter though, I don't really have a choice. If I stop to dwell on things I'll drown in the tide of work that must be done.
And I can't afford to drown just now.
So tonight I'll sleep, but in a while.