It's not that my family doesn't love me. It's just that, well, they're on the other side of the country. Naturally, this means frozen turkey TV dinners and plenty of homemade beer during this festive holiday, but it also means something very special and dear to my heart:

DRUNKEN BACHELOR THANKSGIVING CRANBERRY SAUCE

(a mild experiment in culinary terror)

Components:
24 oz. fresh cranberries, washed
1 cup sugar
3 shots vodka (I prefer Stolichnaya)
one 5 year AA chip for irony

Preparation:

  1. In a medium saucepan stolen from a previous roommate, place cranberries, one cup of water, and two shots of vodka. Place cheap-ass electric stove on "low" and watch The Simpsons for a half-an-hour or so. Contain your giddiness as the cranberries release their delicate juices and soak up that sweet sweet vodka. Stir during commercials.
  2. While the credits are rolling and before you pop in Dead Alive, add the sugar, stir, and bring to a boil. Keep over a rolling boil for five minutes, stirring and giggling all the while.
  3. Remove from heat, place in barely washed serving bowl "borrowed" from ex-girlfriend. As the sauce cools, add the last shot of alcohol and stir. Chill sauce in fridge for a few minutes.
  4. Secure funnel to mouth and chug.
You can also do this a quick prep way and eliminate the thirty minute soak time, but be warned that most of the vodka will likely cook off, and the cranberries won't be quite so soft as one would hope.

This is the side dish of choice for lazy bastards and people who just plain hate family gatherings. Of course, it's been known to liven up more than one dreary collection of obscure cousins.

Recipe makes four cups and many rosy cheeks.

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