I met god in a dream. Well kind of a dream. It was really one of those hallucinations you have when you are really really sick. He took the form of a disembodied voice and then a goldfish in a goldfish bowl and then some things I don't remember. I can't sleep now.

He said to me,

As Job, yourself, yes?
me: Huh? What? god? (For some reason I intrinsically knew I was talking to god)
So I made a bet huh?
me: Yes?
Ever wonder why I give you almost every thing you ever ask me for?
me: Yes. It was concidence though wasn't it?
Isn't everything concidence?
me: No.
It's all what you make of it.
me: I hate to put you on the spot but what did you make of me?
A bet.
me: Yes?
No.
me: huh? This is a hallucination right?
Yes but then so are all visions right?
me: right..... so does that make me a prophet?
no, it makes you a head case.
me: right.....
A bet.
me: Yes?
No.
me: huh?
I made a bet with myself against you and on you.
me: huh?
Understand?
me: ... no
Didn't you always wonder why I give you almost every thing you ever ask me for?
me: Yes?
Because I bet.
me: bet?
As Job, yourself, yes?
me: huh?
You get everything you ask me for but you are never happy.
me: ..... Maybe
You are never happy even with everything I give you.
me: ..... Maybe
But this is natural.
me: It is?
Because you'll never get close to what you need the most.
me: Huh?
You are successful at almost everything you do.
me: ... Maybe
But you are alone.
me: .........
Because if you survive I win and if you don't I win.
me: Does that make you a monster?
It makes me a teacher. If your parents love you, why do they send you to kindergarden?
me: So i'm doomed?
Condemned to the internal yes?
me: no.
Yes.
me: .......
Because you live with everything you want but not with that you need because this is the way things are and its the way things must be.
me: .......
see?
me: .......
see?

The voice repeats see for a long long time until I see a flash and i'm in a gigantic goldfish bowl and there is a gigantic goldfish larger than moby-dick and he says to me

Yes?
me: Huh?
Because you're within yourself in your own little place away from everything you need but with everything you want.
me: But I don't want to be alone
You always have yourself.
me: I don't like myself.
Inevitabilities.
me: huh?
Inevitabilities.
me: So this is punishment?
This is for learning, yes?
me: No. Learn someone else, I don't want to be alone.
You aren't capable of not. yes?
me: no.....
Yes.

It was a scary dream because it was true.
K-18 - may contain sexually offensive material

There are five or six of us sitting in a flat. There are three girls who are more like my brothers' buddies but I know them quite well too (in reality, I know only one of them). Then there's Iwonka sitting next to me in a sofa and couple of guys I don't know - they're friends of these girls. I can't help but I start to stare a pimple on the upper lip of one girl. I think it's very freaky because I have one exactly in the same place.

One girl makes a radical initiative taking one boy upstairs and we all know what for. I distract myself from the girl's pimple and we start kissing with Iwonka. This pleasure goes on for several minutes until a guy sits between us telling that it is time to leave. We all leave from the flat.

Our bunch walks towards a swimming hall but we are not going get in. I walk hand in hand with Iwonka in front and suddenly I see a person I know quite well but whom I don't particularly want to see at the moment. He leads his own mob but he is very cheerful and when I notice this I don't mind meeting him anymore. Then I decide to make him, Humppi is the name, a wee prank: For some reason I have a wet soap in my hand and I take few step forward to shake hands with him. We haven't met for a long time and it's a good reason to be happy by the coincidence. Humppi is of course very surprised by the soap in my hand but he doesn't mind. He just lets me cover his arms with soap and he spills some over me too, all laughing. We separate and continue walking happy for the meeting.

Instead of the swimming hall we go to showers and sauna in the basement of some flat (that's how shared saunas are located in Finnish flats). I don't know how we get in because none of us lives here but there's no trouble at all. Guys take their own changing room (or actually we just get our cloths off and that's it - pretty normal sauna protocol in Finland) and gals theirs. Before entering the sauna I collect all soaps in a nice little pile, mastering the soap balance.

But I cannot enter the sauna because Eki wants to have wee chat with me. I notice he has an erection. I sit down next to him. (In reality, Eki has become a gay after his twenties.) Soon I get a boner too but it's not sexually related, merely due to fact I haven't pee for a while. Eki starts to talk me seriously about his dick's size. He says he has measured it carefully: 18 centimeters. I approximate it's gotta be quite near the truth. I take a look on my own weenie and it's only one or two centimeters shorter. I ask him, smirking, if he measured below or above his cock - it makes a difference, you know. He doesn't answer put takes a pencil drawing numbers on his penis: "18 cm. Do you understand? Eighteen centimeters." He seems to be very serious about the number and I cannot help but start laughing: "Hahhaa, at least I don't have to draw the fuckin numbers on my dick, you cunt!" Eki, likesay, wakes up from his thoughts, blushes a bit and starts rubbing the numbers away. Laughing out loud, I enter the sauna.

I'm there only for a while and when I come out I see Iwonka sitting there and some guy between her legs licking down there. I feel bit offended by the act but not too bad because it's not my duty to tell her what to do and control her life in a totalitarian fashion. Anyway, quiet "Oh" escapes from my lips and Iwonka turns her cute head. The guy disappears and I realize it was only my hallucination: Iwonka is fully clothed and all. She's happy I came out and she jumps up hugging me. I'm still bit confused by the hallucination but soon I get my head straight and we start snogging enthuastically.

Why the hell I had to wake up few seconds too early!?!

It was a pleasant summer's day in Centenery Square, Birmingham (the one in england) and everyone was out sunning themselves. A pretty girl in her teens walked around the fountain, and a young man approached her from behind and wrapped his arms around her. Nobody thought anything of it, he was probably her boyfriend. But something was not right; he had his hand over her mouth and before anyone knew anything was wrong he had pushed a hidden knife into her abdomen and let her collapse into the fountain.

The girl floated face-down in the water, a growing cloud of dark red forming beneath her. She was drowning and slowly sinking to the bottom of the pool, until another young man came along and waded in to pull her out, lying her down on the warm concrete. She was not breathing, but he worked frantically to revive her until she coughed up water and gasped for breath in a pitiful wheeze. She once again lost consciousness, and the young man held her limp body and tried to stem the profuse bleeding until an ambulance arrived to take her away.

The girl lay in bed, still unconscious. Emergency surgery had stopped her bleeding, but she lay pale and struggling for breath, unaware of her distrought parents sitting by her. They watched helpless as their daughter, a girl so young who should be full of life, grew weaker and weaker before them.

Eventually she opened her eyes and looked at them one last time. Her breathing slowed and became shallower, and finally stopped. Her eyes glazed over and closed, and her heart beat for the very last time.

Taking a nap during the day has yielded the strangest dreams. I realize that so much flows through my mind during the day that if I fall asleep thinking the slightest thing it tends to end up in a strange dream. Especially while listening to music(which in this case was Foo Fighters- -Walking after you). This normally doesn't bother me unless the dream is too real. This one was quite painful. Memories of day dreams never realized is a painful painful reality.

We were slowly dancing.

Tonight im tangled in my blanket of clouds - dreaming aloud.

I could smell him.
I could feel him.
This wasn't a memory - we've never really danced together.
We were older, he was still so handsome.

If you'd accept surrender I'll give up some more , weren't you adored.

The song was playing in the backround.
We fell together, just like before; but different in a way.

Another heart is cracked in two.

He lifts my chin with his hand the way he did when he first kissed me.
The slow, sweet guitar plays in the background as we kiss.
Then I woke up.

I wasn't sad. I wasn't relieved. I didn't want to see him, but I didn't want to be alone. It has been a truly strange month, so much going on. I don't understand it at all.

That greasy old man who sells used books was on campus again, in front of Doherty Hall. I checked his wares for a copy of The Moon is a Harsh Mistress, as always. But then I realized I had already bought it from him last Monday. So I pulled out a pistol and shot him dead. Of course nobody noticed. I mean, you would expect the hordes on their way to class not to notice, but the people going through the books didn't even look up. (The other day Dave DeAngelis had mentioned that he was afraid the old guy was gonna pull out a sawed-off shotgun if anyone tried to steal a book. And now everybody is systematically stealing the books they would have bought anyway. Economic Irony?)

I head for home, rather frazzled by the whole incident, and run into Dave Howard and Indrani after several yards. I explain my predicament and they help me hide the body. Not move the body, mind you, but just hide it under a carpet in the exact spot where it fell. His head was even sticking out past the end of the carpet.


It's Jurassic Park at my childhood home, up in the mountains, and my friend Ian Malcolm gets eaten by a velociraptor right outside the tree fort. All the geometry of the landscape is in accordance with my actual memory.
Kermit the Frog is a priest and drives one of the new beetles. A yellow one.

He pulls up beside me and tells me to get in. I do. I know this hasn't happened to me before. I've never hung out with Kermit before, let alone ridden shot gun in his yellow beetle. I didn't even know he was a priest, but his clothing, by which I mean his collar, makes it obvious. Nevertheless, as if this were a Tarantino flick, I take these extremely unusual and exciting events totally in stride. As if, although I'd never met Father Kermit before, Fozzie Bear and I used to get shitfaced back a few years ago.

Father Kermit takes off down the street. The good Father is a little depressed. It seems the state of the world and recent events have even Holy Servents as devoted as he questioning their faith.

"A faith unquestioned..." I start, but let it trail because I've forgotten the rest of the quote.

Father Kermit is an utterly normal person. He has doubts and fears and hopes and dreams and sometimes questions his choice to take up the cloth. The Kermit the Frog of my memory always seemed like some sort of superheroic leader, able to solve bitter disputes with a single speech of brotherhood and unity. Perhaps this is what lead him to the Priesthood in the first place.

He takes me to his "house," which is actually a parish, connected to the church he serves. This makes it look like a complex of some sort. The complex is on the side of a steep hill, covered in tall pine trees. It looks like a nice place. His seems to be built a little like a ranch house, almost entirely one level. In some parts, the bottom of the parish is supported by giant wooden columns, so if there is a basement that goes into the hill, it is probably pretty small compared to the main floor.

Father Kermit shifts his yellow beetle into park, and gets out. Implicitly, I know to get out too. Father Kermit wants to show me something, I think. We enter his house. It's nice. Smells like pine. Looks kind of like a lodge in the north woods, right down to the giant stone fireplace.

I never got to find out what it was that Father Kermit knew.

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