I Am Alive

  • At an airport with my dad, step-mom and step-siblings. We're waiting for our departing flight to board. We're standing near a bar and I decide to get a drink. My dad comes with me and we peruse the selection. Dad takes a look at a bottle of a very expensive liquor. I realize I don't want a drink but I would like a smoke. Since cannabis was recently decriminalized, I buy a bowl of Northern Lights from the bartender who hands me a large, wooden pipe that has a curious folding mechanism. Dad and I sit a bit and smoke. We both get a little twisted and he makes some ambiguous comments about the "big surprise" I'm in for when he passes away. He referred to dying as "waking up from the dream", though I knew what he meant. I return the pipe to the bar and overhear snippets of conversation from my step-siblings behind me: "...Terence McKenna...necronomicon...eschaton..."

  • Between dreams -- hearing a voice. My own? "Alive. I am alive."

  • I visit my friend Thomas after buying a new jazz cd. His father has recently added a second story to the house and I go up the new stairs to check it out. There's a couch, a bedroom and a refrigerator. I suggest listening to some music as I pull my new cd out of the bag. Thomas agrees and puts on Red Hot Chili Peppers. Oh well. Thomas asks me if I've visited a website he told me about. I say no and asked him if he got the /msg I sent him on Everything2. Nope.

  • Between dreaming and waking -- my voice clearly repeating like a man practicing speech -- "...alive. I am alive...."
I am in Alan's room, for some reason neither Alan nor Dan, his roommate, are there. I am on alan's computer, which is a curious blend of windows PC and SparcStation. I am conversing with Nailbunny over AIM, but am having trouble reading what she types due to her horrible choice of colors. In addition, she is saying the strangest things. I tire of this and shutdown the computer. I start walking down the hall, toward nailbunny's room, but my path is blocked. It seems as though a girl whom I was infatuated with has decided to move into her ex-boyfriend's room, and has all of her things in the hallway. I climb over her things, still on my path to Nailbunny's room. I pass the elveators, Oscar is standing there. Oscar lived across the street from me when I was just a little boy. I pass by him without a second glance, and continue to Nailbunny's. Finally, I reach my destination. I walk through the open doorway, and Nailbunny and her roommate are sitting there. Her roommate says "Stop coming by our room."

I woke up.. I woke up from the first bad dream I had about Nailbunny's roommmate..

i have a big test at 8 am tommorow, and i am having one of those weird dreams where I keep thinking I can't fall asleep and how I need to get sleep and how I should'be be awake and then I wake up.

I get so stressed about not getting enough sleep on the night i need t, that I actually dream it...... Stress stinks, Xenax works...

I was at some kind of rave or club in what seemed to be Japan. The weird thing was that every time I would open my mouth, I would wake up. Maybye all the caffeine from the Excedrin kept me from going into a deep sleep, or maybe I just had the music in my room too loud. Anyways, was quite weird, as I would go to talk to someone and I would wake up lying in my bed at 2:30am the next moment.

We were going to New York City for a school trip. Our bus pulled up to this humongous hotel, and we all lined up to check in.

As I came to hand in my ticket, I noticed it said "This ticket has been lost or stolen". I was suitably alarmed, until I noticed that wasn't the part of the ticket you turned in. (Maybe it's there for your safety in some bizarre way.) I ripped off the perforated "ticket" part of the ticket, handed it in, got my key, and carried all my stuff to the elevator.

The elevator was small, but the ride was short. Arriving on the relevant floor, I noticed that it too was rather small for what you'd expect in a big hotel like this. There were about four doors in a hallway shorter than any in my dorm. I set down all my stuff and looked for my key--and couldn't find it. Rrr.

It didn't help that I didn't know what number my room was. I was pretty sure it was printed on the key, but of course the key was missing. I went and I tried knocking on the left door at one end of the hall. Before I could touch it, a strange man opened it up and told me that no, this wasn't it. Looking inside the room, I saw that it was some odd cross between a room and a bathroom, all tiled with sinks. Hmm. He went across to the door across the hall, where another man received him.

Then someone from my school came out the elevator, and asked me if I was lost. I guess about now I was. He left, and I picked up all my stuff and got ready to get back on the elevator but ah!--there was my key, right under my bag. I put it on my keychain so I wouldn't lose it, and I looked at it... Apparently it did not have my room printed on it, at least not clearly: There was a different number on each side of it. Then the stranger from the other room called out the date--17 February--and I noticed the number on one side was 17 2. So I decided that no, this was the wrong floor, and went to the floor indicated by the number on the other side.

I got up there, and it was even weirder. It wasn't rooms on this floor. It wasn't even cubicles. It was just a set of tables or desks in a large pattern of rows. I walked to my place and used my key, I don't know where, to get in and sit down. There was a TV showing some stuff, but some joker went and replaced it with some gay sex video. The police came in and shut off the TV and carried him away.

I don't remember what happened next, until I'm at a big modern house. A precious little girl lives here. She is very smart for her age--maybe six or seven--and loves to invent things. For example, she invented her family's dog.

I forget the details of this part... but her inventions had started developing bad quirks... the second dog she built was a bit vicious... they wouldn't tell me about the third one... I was sure it wasn't her fault; dogs go bad all the time on their own, don't they? (I hate dogs.)

A friend of mine told me this wasn't natural, she shouldn't be able to do things like that at all, she must be evil. I was yelling at him--You think all genius is evil? What about people like Mozart, who was composing before he was five?. I don't think I convinced him--the movie "Amadeus" kept popping up--but there was an argument about how old Mozart actually was. Feh. I always get sidetracked arguing with him.

I had gone back to the little girl's house, and they had all gotten out of the pool and were heading to the showers. I waited in the living room, and she came out. Do you hate me? she said. No, I said, and hugged her.

My French prof was chasing me, trying to explain why I was failing her class. We ran through the halls of my cousin's house in New Zealand, with all of my graded compositions and tests laying on the dining room table. She managed to catch my sleeve once, and drag me over to the table. She pointed to a red mark on one of the essays. I screamed. She tried her best to calm me down, but I was hysterical. She had no choice but to leave me alone in my misery.

The entire dream was in French.

I was Félicie from Un Papillon dans la Cité, floating on my back in a river of blood, staring at the sky and relaxing. Man Ya, my grandmother in the dream, was calling from the bank "Félicie! Félicie! Ta mère est morte!" And then she jumped into the river to pull me out. Being an old woman, she was unable to swim. She sank into the dark red water, only her hands remaining above the surface. I could still hear her screaming that my mother had died.


I was Trinity from The Matrix, except I still looked like me. Neo, who looked like Aaron, was trapped inside a glass jar slowly filling up with sand. I knew I had to get him out, because too much sand caused death by insanity. I remember thinking "well, at least he's tall, so I've got time to make it home."

The dream never finished itself.

I was on the most bizarre camping trip ever. My family was there, including my dad who was alive, as was my roommate and her family, and quite possibly other people. The landscape was beautifully devoid of trees and there was a huge hill as big as a mountain but not rocky or steep, a hill that you could roll down forever it seemed, on one side of it. The other side was where we were camping and there was an ocean or large lake on that side. This was quite a popular campsite because many people camping. Guys were trying to pick up on me but my dad kept scaring them off. There was a museum at the campsite but it was only accessibly via an extremely narrow walkway over water. The walkway apparently free standing and was made out of straw. There was another building over the water that was accessible by the walkway, but there was a huge gap between where I was standing and the building. My dad and Kim had gone to the museum and I was supposed to meet them there, however when I tried to cross the walkway alone it started to shake violently and I had to grab onto the walkway and crouch down low and it finally stopped. I sat there crying until my dad and Kim came out of the museum and took me back to the campsite.

Paypal was going nuts.

Every few minutes, a new transaction would come in, informing me that You've got a pumpkin, or some such similar nonsense. This is bad.

I fall over, and wake up. The room is filled with woodchips; I have to dig my way out of them, constantly fighting gravity, trying to get to a ladder leading up and out through a hole in the ceiling of a grain elevator.

The phone rings; I wake again. Tarzan-style, I'm swinging from the cat5 that's strung across the ceiling. I fall, and keep falling.

I wake up.

I was flying again.
I hate flying.

I was moving down Canal St, heads bobbing underneath me, I had to keep grabbing at awnings and store signs to keep me from rising too high. I broke all my nails. I don't even have nails, I bite them. There was blood all over my hands, not streaks but in little trails where it dripped, dried and not hurting at all. The trees kept snapping, I kept rising, above the park now, grasping for branches to hold on to. They snapped and fell away, I was way too high, holding shreds of leaves.

I knew I'd never get home, I was too far out of my atmosphere, and the clouds weren't helping, I couldn't see which way to steer and they kept dissipating when I tried to hold on and I lost all the leaves and the world dropped away.

A rather scary dream...scary that I dreamt it and scary that it was so vivid.

I dreamt that somebody had found out my E2 password and started doing insane things with my account. Seriously! My God, E2 has ground in my dreams now! Anyways, it was a very real dream. In fact, it was so real that when I woke up, I quickly went to check E2 to see if it were true...luckily not.

I don't know what the "hacker" did exactly, but I remember him writing this on my home node:


That's what I remember from the dream. And in the dream, when I went to log on to check my account, all the E2 editors were after me, threatening me of banning me from E2...because I had incessantly made millions of nodes that were titled: "IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!" And everybody /msg'ed me saying how much I suck and that I should go back to the country I came from...

Definitely a paranoiac dream. But in the dream, I actually triumph: I create another account...but all the nodes I had made...were lost. Lost forever in a happy crowd.

I am a crack commando.

Lots of dreams last night. I fought with the snooze button for a solid three hours this morning, which always seems to induce dreams. Unfortunately, it always wakes me up from them at the wrong moments.

  • Alfred Stud: I visit Alfred University, and while in the computer lab, I hit on a girl I know, who is a cross between this girl I like and this girl that sorta broke up with a friend of mine recently. Anyway, she invites me to her room, but then this other girl comes along. The other girl is a girl I actually met at Alfred, and was supposed to have a fling with, but it never got off the ground. She seemed disapproving, but didn't say anything while I made out with the first girl. It was very erotic, even though the second girl was busy playing video games in the room with us. I kept trying to turn it into a threesome, saying, "Let's make the beast with three backs!" It didn't work. I'm not sure what happened after that.

I had a bunch of other dreams, but I don't really remember them. I'm pretty sure I flew in a couple of them, which is always the classic "throw yourself at the ground and miss" kind of flying in my dreams.
I'm back in college, taking a biblical literature class with my sister. I have a notepad full of notes that I can't read, and it's seconds before the first exam begins.

The first answer is easy. I know that one. For some reason, a Peter Gabriel song is playing over the intercom singing it: "Harrian".

I write it down, but can't read my own penmanship. The more I look at it, the more the word looks like a pencil sketch of mount rushmore.

Later there's a field trip to a museum, and it's gigantic. Inside the restaurant, people are drinking orange juice from red wine goblets. I accidentally brush a fellow who drops the OJ onto his lap. When I back up to apologize to him, I bump someone else, and their drink goes as well.

I go to the counter to buy these unfortunate patrons more orange juice, and I'm handed goblets and a latex-rubber drink cover. I can't figure out how to put the cover on the goblet, so I forget the OJ and run into the museum.

Once in the museum, I see a computer terminal, which I use (naturally) to log into everything2. When I log in there are 200 users in the "Other Users" nodelet. My first notion is panic that the server is melting down, or that the site's being attacked somehow.


I had a really lame, messed up dream this morning.

I woke up at 3:15 for some reason, then went back to sleep. I dreamed that I was at a restaurant in a forest with my sister, my grandmother, my great-grandmother, and some random dinner guest. My grandmother ordered applesauce for her, my great-grandmother, and the dinner guest, then put some drugs in each dish. They all ate the applesauce, then started choking.

My sister watched them do this and didn't react at all. I was shocked and asked them what they were doing. My grandma said something like, "Leave me be - I'm ready to go." I turned to my sister and yelled at her to call 911. She said, "No, its their choice to go.". I freaked out and went running around looking for a phone to call 911.

I came back to the table, and they were collapsed on the floor dying, and my sister was just watching it happen. I yelled something at her about how horrified I was that she could just sit there, and she looked at me without any expression on her face. The paramedics still hadn't arrived, and everyone on the floor looked dead and blue in the face. Then, my sister stood up, and started covering their faces with black cloths. It was like the cult suicide that involved Marshall Applewhite.

I woke up, feeling sick to my stomach. I'm not against assisted suicide at all, and my grandmother isn't even sick. My great-grandmother passed away 5 years ago. I don't know the meaning of this dream - it just disturbs me.

Just before waking up, I was walking on some uneven street when I fell and skinned my hand. The wound didn't bleed, but instead opened up a flap of skin. At first, I said, "Ow!" and then realized that for some reason, it didn't hurt.

I pushed aside the flap of skin and noticed a small brown string sticking out of my palm. It made perfect sense to me: a long time ago, I had stiches in the same spot, and this must be one of those, somehow left behind under my skin for years and years. I sat on the ground, looking at my palm, staring at this little brown strand that had somehow survived being absorbed into my body for all this time.

Naturally, I pulled on it.

The string dislodged itself surprisingly easily, travelling up my arm, against my ulna. Underneath everything was pure light and truth and warmth. It was up to my elbow in seconds. I was transfixed.

I opened my eyes. Somehow, the window shade had come open. Afternoon light was streaming in.

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