Dream Log: May 14, 2000

• It wasn't until Eric scuttled forward like a land crab to "apprehend" an innocent man that I realized how much like Barney Fife he had always been. Overly fond of his supposed authority, quick to accuse people of shoplifting, good at giving mean glares. The uniform was baggy on his rickety frame.

  It made me nervous, though, and I kept a sharp watch to make sure they hadn't installed any new cameras. At my desk I pretended to be cleaning while I shoved things into my purse. I especially wanted the new calculator that could do anything, anything, and came with six mechanical pencils.

  I saw James' car outside before he came in, which was good, it gave me a little warning. We can finally have a normal conversation relief. But he was still angry and stone-faced, he was there to get the girl who had created the calculator. I couldn't blame him; it was a brilliant machine.

• Talking, not paying attention as I put on blush, I discovered I'd created a scarlet oval which covered half my face.

• Norm MacDonald wore lavender chaps and introduced his horse as his wife. Everybody always worried about that cowboy.

The thin man sucked on his fag and blew smoke in my face. As he leaned forward to sink the 8-ball he said, "This city is gonna go up in a mushroom. You need to go west. Take the train." The streets kept changing places--I couldn't find the station.

Then I was bound up on a couch in someone's basement. There were people seated all around, trying to decide what to do with me. I recognized a girl from high school who hated me, the ringleader. She was going to kill me. I kept trying to explain that the city was going to be destroyed but no one listened.

The room began to fill with water--eveything was floating about, including me on the couch. I looked up and saw a graceful arm drooped over me.

It was Jim Morrison--young and messy and leather-clad.

I gave him a blow job looking up from underwater. Then he let me go.