Dear Ms Kroes

We regret to inform you that your application has failed to garner our members' vote of acceptance. Consequently, we are unable to approve your membership. We wish you all the best in your professional and romantic endeavours.

Yours sincerely,

Darwin Dating

Dear Darwin Dating

What?! You've got to be kidding me. Do you even know who I am? I'm a freaking supermodel! I want in!

Yours sincerely,

Doutzen

Dear Ms Kroes

In order to ensure underlying fairness of the selection process, we leave the decision to our members (80% weighting) and to the public at large (20% weighting). Most (if not all) of our applicants have a very high (and understandably skewed) opinion of their physical assets, and we feel neither obliged nor willing to let their self-appraisal cloud our judgement. In order to gain admittance into our highly select ranks, one has to secure approval from those who have already done so — it's as simple (or demanding) as that.

Yours sincerely,

Darwin Dating

Dear Dating

This is ridiculous. I've seen some of the pics on your website and let me put it this way: your highly select girls wouldn't be allowed to clean the offices of DNA Models (that's my agency, by the way) without paper bags on their heads. And it's not some metaphor, but like, for real. Are those member chicks on your website jealous of me or what? Afraid of competition? (Not that I consider any of those uglies competition.) Anyways, I want in.

Doutzen

Dear Ms Kroes

While we appreciate our ongoing correspondence, we feel compelled to stress that Darwin Dating members' approval is a staple of our exceedingly high standards. Since Darwin Dating is functionally a dating site, it is in the interest of our members to adjust the quality of the breeding pool by incorporating superior genes at the expense of those deemed subpar. If it is any consolation, having perused — and not without certain enjoyment — your extensive portfolio, we are indeed somewhat saddened and puzzled as to why your genetic makeup has been deemed unworthy of inclusion, and we sincerely regret being unable to accept you into our elite ranks. However, we feel there is little we can do but respect our members' decision, be their motives straightforward or, as you seem to insinuate, ulterior.

Yours sincerely,

Darwin Dating

Dear Darwin

First off, who are you calling subpar, you little twerp? Also, you must be on some freaking mushrooms if you think I might want to breed with any of the non-entities from your site. Guys of this sort, I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole! I mean, some of them seem to be living in freaking flats! The whole idea of joining your site was basically a joke, we were at this party and I was a bit drunk and somebody suggested I DO YOU A FAVOUR and join. Do you seriously believe I need any of this online dating shit? I mean, you rejecting me is like some high school rejecting Einstein. Or, I don't know, if Shakespeare wasn't let into a bookshop. Chew on that!

Doutzen

Dear Ms Kroes

While we value the barrage of visual evidence you feel compelled to submit, we feel a sense of pointlessness creeping in. Our members have had their say and it's final. Goodbye.

Yours sincerely,

Darwin Dating

Dear Dating

OK, this is really starting to get on my nerves. I even made a rational analysis. It says on your website (here I quote) "Online dating minus ugly people" (end of quote). Are you calling me ugly? I can assure you I DON'T have (the stuff in inverted commas are all quotes, by the way) "saggy boobs", "fat rolls", "acne", "pasty skin", "teeth that aren't white", "teeth that aren't straight", "bald patches", "out of proportion noses", "weird pubic hair" (hell, I don't have any pubic hair). Are you, by rejecting me, trying to imply I have any of these things, because if you are, then my lawyer (at DNA Models, and that's in New York freaking City) is telling me to tell you he will (quote) "sue the shit out of this shitty little website to high heaven and beyond" (end of quote). So what's it gonna be? Do I have to reapply or what? Also, I speak West Frisian!

Dear Ms Kroes

With all due respect, we kindly ask you to terminate your correspondence. The decision is, as we have repeatedly stressed, final.

Yours sincerely,

Darwin Dating

P.S. Linguistic ability of our applicants is irrelevant.

Listen, "Darwin", and listen carefully, cause you've brought this on yourself: I promise I will never EVER have sex with you and/or any of your ugly buddies, and I've talked to Natalia (that's Ms Vodianova to you, you fucking twerp) and I made her swear on her mother's eternal soul she would never fuck any of you either! Also, I hope you die some day.

...

Dear Mr Dating

My business representatives have contacted the owners of your pathetic site and guess what? I've bought it! Hereby I fire you and all your shit-ugly members (i.e. everybody). From now on it will be called "Doutzen Kroes minus ugly people". How's that for linguistic ability, you twerp?