Don't tell her she's beautiful

EVIL, VENGEFUL, PSYCHOTIC COW : "Darling, am I pretty?"
ME : "No comment."
EVPC : "Eh?"
ME : "By commenting on your beauty I would be perpetuating a set of standards that are designed to keep you enslaved and undermine your ability to develop as an individual."
EVPC : "Fine. Cool. But am I pretty?"
ME : "You are a nice person. That's all I'm saying."
EVPC : "Well, may I say that that's a very mature and enlightened attitude. May I also say, that your testicles are chains that forever bind you to a patriarchal society and stopping you getting in touch with your true feelings. By removing them thus -"
ME : "Eeep!"
EVPC : "- I am liberating you and allowing you to develop as an individual."
ME : {insert sound of person bleeding to death}

If both you and said girl are mature enough to appreciate true beauty there should be no problem. The comment is just what it means: "I looked at you just now and thought that God must be a fucking genius to have created you and placed you on this Earth." No more, no less.

If you are with a woman but you are afraid to tell her you think she is beautiful, perhaps you are not with the one you should be. If she cannot appreciate the fact that you think she is pretty, and rather automatically believes that you are with her solely for this reason, then this isn't a relationship that needs any more of your attention.

That being said, it does make the girl very concious of herself, and perhaps start to question her own beauty later. Which has been mentioned above. This is bad, obviously, and it is wise in those cases to hang around, change the subject, and talk of other things. Its a good way to get to know her anyway.

Friendships, and girlfriends are a bit different. The person you are complimenting is obviously more than a two dimensional image on the street, on in the bar. For this reason if you mention beauty often as something you admire in them, it will make them incredibly self-concious, and also wonder why, in light of all their other qualities, you only fix on their beauty? This is something women do wonder about occasionally and guys as far as I can tell, don't. A genuine compliment, repeated from the heart, once every few days, can seem very shallow, and fixated to a woman if it becomes predictable. It makes her feel painted into a corner, boxed in. Caged...

I speak of course from the personal experience of losing several girlfriends this way. Time, and wounded hearts, lead to sophistication, and also to better climes. I learned if not to make the same mistake twice, at least to know when I was making a mistake and stop, and backtrack. Then later not to make it at all. Which was another mistake, because if you don't mention beauty at all, a girl starts wondering what the matter is with her. Then after a few more years, I realised that you only bring beauty up when she draws attention to it, compliment her, when she dresses up, changes hairstyles, or even when the light changes considerably. women love to be adored. At least that's what I think. Beauty is a part of that, we shouldn't make her feel ashamed of her beauty, but accept it as part of herself. It may not last long, so enjoy it. Both of you, while it lasts.

As a girl myself, I would re-title this whole node "don't only tell a girl she's beautiful" because I think that's where the problem lies. It's a matter of what really matters, and if all we emphasize is beauty, the results can be very destabilizing.

I'll even provide an example, and I'll even admit it's about me, as much as I hate to. I have a friend that I've known for a whole bunch of years, a friend who is very talented and who I really respect. The possibility of us dating has always been non-existent since I've been happily committed to someone else since before we met. He's a poet, and a particularly good one whose work I really admire, and whose company I cherish. But invariably, when we get together, he tells me how beautiful he thinks I am.

Yes, everyone here is right, it does make me smile, and it does make me blush, but it also makes me wonder. He has heard my poetry too, which although nowhere near on par with his, is sometimes quite good, and we've had long philosophical and political debates that stretch into the wee hours of dawn, but he has never told me that he like my writing, or that he thinks I'm intelligent, interesting, anything but beautiful.

I tell him these things. I tell him how much I enjoy our long conversations, his company, and these are more fitting with the kind of person he is. He writes over and over again about how our beauty-obsessed society has made him feel like he was never good enough. He writes about escaping from a world that values us based only on the way we look, but he always tells me I'm beautiful.

Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful friend, but he does remind me of how rarely we emphasize the things that matter. I'm training to be a secondary school teacher right now, and when my peers give me feedback on presentations I give, I keep hearing about how I'll make a good teacher because of my voice. My voice. Not my passion for working with young people, not my carefully thought out pedagogical foundations, not my ability to provoke critical thought, but my voice.

It's just all a matter of emphasis, and although it's easier to glance at someone and respond to how they look, I'm going to make a point of listening to someone today, and responding to what they have to say. I'm going to spend my attention on what I think is important.