I've come to cut cupid's heart out... I've come to take your breath AWAY.
Sun-dripped devil scratched out my eyes...
Break the door down! Knock the door down!

Angel, I can't let you in.

  • The Dillinger Escape Plan - "Destro's Secret"
  • ________________________________________________________________________________________

    Destro, born James McCullen Destro XXIV, is a character in Hasbro's G.I. Joe franchise of cartoons, action figures and soon-to-be released motion picture.

    Destro is generally thought to be a villain, as he and twenty three forefathers have designed and sold weaponry in the perpetual G.I. Joe vs. COBRA schism; however, he is an equal opportunity distributor, indiscriminately supplying each side with taylor-made tools of destruction.

    Due to his abetting the ongoing war, he is relegated to wearing a mask of beryllium steel as punishment. Over time, this "punishment" has ironically become a symbol of pride. All things considered, who would fuck with a daunting shiny dude with an untold arsenal of highly advanced weapons? Common sense would dictate the answer to be "nobody."

    Moreover, ancillary to general unfuckwithability, one must not discount the inherent cognitive dissonance of his work. He has clearly manifested feelings of love towards Baroness, the COBRA faction's second-in-command. Meanwhile, he is a relative of Lady Jaye, a member of G.I. Joe and the occasional love interest of Flint - one of G.I. Joe's most powerful and respected soldiers.

    Staying neutral in the face of love vs. family is undoubtedly a matter of debate; however, one cannot discount the fact that G.I. Joe and COBRA have been in conflict for (at least) twenty four generations. Being a third party in an omnipresent battle has undoubtedly taken a mental toll on Destro. During sporadic periods in the 1990's, Destro went "Pimp Daddy," having his steel mask anodized gold and even adding leopard print to his uniform around 1996-1997. It is a common assumption that the latter is a response to the influx of Brit-pop acts into Western pop culture during that period.

    Transcending these existential dilemmas, Destro has remained a cunning businessman. By forming a monopolistic venture that supplies the only two competing factions within his realm of power firepower, he is essentially God. But, is he a benevolent God in that he is merely an indiscriminate entrepreneur catering to his own personal interests? Or is he bad because he's the veritable axle of a gyroscopic war-machine?

    This is clearly a subjective conundrum, but my theory is that he is just a conduit of fortuitous circumstance. Sure, he has a familial legacy to uphold. But "why keep feeding the war machine?," one might ask. I can only pontificate it comes down to a matter of boredom in the face of an irrational, yet innocuous fight.

    In conclusion, Destro has no enemies because nobody can afford to be without his services. His Harrison Bergeron-esque handicap has actually made him all the more intimidating, and he can just hang out in his palatial Scottish estate designing aesthetically amazing weapons which never seem to ever kill any of the warring factions. This manifests both a humanistic nature and a most cunning business technique of intimidation, respect, an unending chain of demand... plus something to do while everyone else he knows is engaged in a battle where nobody ever wins or loses.

    In the realm of G.I. Joe, it's Destro's world... everyone else just lives there.

    Log in or registerto write something here or to contact authors.