Hah.. I thought I wasn't depressed.. well I found out my stupid cancer thing has progressed.. oh yay.. i go in for
surgery in end of jan. I have about a million balls to juggle right now.. I know I will drop at least half of them.. so I am just sitting
in the corner smoking a cigarette.. not touching a damn ball.. I've also realized that I am so busy trying to make everyione else
happy.. that their being upset with me scares me so much.. i have no clue what i want.. i know what they want.. i know what my
friends and my family and people who i dont even like want.. but i have no idea of my dreams and desires.. all i know is that there
is ia lot i don't want.. from past experience.. i was really sick earlier.. about two weeks ago.. it sucked. coughing and such.. is it
better to just hole myself up in a room alone.. or leave myself open to be hurt by others.. personally i KNOW i am not strong
enough to deal with being hurt right now.. it would probably send me over the edge.. although i seem to be the strongest when i
think i will die.. i dont know.. its a 50/50 shot i guess..

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