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Time: Fri, 22 Dec 2000 00:21:06 GMT
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JeffMagnus node count: 4064 (1 new since December 21, 2000)
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JeffMagnus node of the day: Everything 2 Civil War

Today was an overall success. But at the same time, there really wasn’t anything special going on that needed succeeding at. Perhaps making it through the day was enough; after all, today was the last day of school before Christmas break. Most people skipped the last couple hours, including our “holiday assembly” in the gym. It was extremely tempting – I went to the Alpine Rose with Adam, where we ate breakfast for two hours and talked about all sorts of stuff. His boyfriend works there, so we were all hanging out. Right next to our table, there was a cloth swan. I accidentally broke its head off, and Adam accidentally threw it into the Christmas tree sitting in the corner of the café area. Then he accidentally put the decapitated body of the swan under the tree as if it were a present. And absolutely no one noticed. Not one person. I continued to eat my pancakes and Adam casually sipped coffee while gnawing on countless strips of bacon.

The waitress had brought a huge cup of butter squares to the table for Adam’s toast, but I refused her offer of syrup and extra butter for my pancakes. Food is best when naked. I bet Adam that he wouldn’t be able to finish all the butter. Although he put up a valiant effort, in the end the butter had him whipped. I told him about the time I was in the hospital, and I accidentally wiped the butter that was supposed to be on my bread onto a napkin in my lap. Not only was I forced to eat a completely new mini-tub full of butter, but I was publicly humiliated in front of all the other patients for not holding to my meal plan. Now whenever I see butter left untouched on the table, I feel the urge to hide it, even when it’s not mine. Strange? Definitely. But so were the circumstances in which I was conditioned.

While drinking a sip of water, it went down the wrong pipe. This caused me to choke and splutter the following phrase without thought:

”My epiglottis is broken!”

Guess that’s what happens when you’ve got an anatomy test to take and pigeons to dissect.

I made it back to school in time for sixth hour. We played several new pieces of music, including Mayflower Overture and an incredibly cheesy march called “The Bond of Friendship.” I was gagging throughout the entire rehearsal.

Next was seminar. I transferred to Mrs. Propst’s room and worked on one of my many unfinished art projects I must have done by next year. Sat by Pannha, listened to some Crystal Method, and then it was time to get to the assembly. I saw my brother on the way to the bathroom, and graciously offered him a ride home. He refused at first, but then I brought up the fact that Sheena, his girlfriend, gets mad if he gets a ride home from anyone other than me. He reluctantly conceded.

The assembly involved the typical lecture from Mr. P., warning us to stay away from alcohol over break, and not to make any bad decisions. And then two of the most prominent figures of our Student Senate took over. Both had been busted on campus for possession of illegal substances earlier this year, and yet they proceeded to tell us to behave during vacation, and not to go to any parties where “stuff” would be available. Right.

Went straight home after we were dismissed and went to bed until just recently. Had a chicken pot pie from D&W for dinner, and I consumed the entire thing. I impressed even my dad, who couldn’t finish his.

I spent about half an hour out in the garage, spray painting my art sculpture. I chose royal blue and aluminum, which looks pretty cool so far. The cold eventually chased me back inside, where I spent ages trying to wash the spray paint from my hands with the goo kept under the sink for such purposes.

As I lounge here feeling the chicken and carrots digest in my stomach, I can only sit back and wait for Aaron to get home from Ann Arbor. Maybe I’ll take another nap.

The beautiful woman asked the young boy, "What is it?"

The boy, flexing his muscles and pretending he were older replied, "I'm too strong for my own good."

The woman let out a small chuckle as the boy noticed the movement caused her hair to shimmer.

The TV droned on in the background: "... foreign relations are rocky as either side has their guard up. I am told that we are prepared to use war if necessary."

Yeah, yeah, yeah....

Flew into Baltimore tonight. Hardly standing, much booze. Heading out to Arizona with kanrph and Big Frank tomorrow.....any bets on how many people will still be breathing when we get there Christmas night? My guess is maybe two...I am one of my mother-in-law's Christmas presents...she doesn't know I made it up here or that I'm coming.

Baltimore/ Northern Virginia crew...sorry I didn't call, I'm just passing through.

Much love to you all and happy hedonistic pleasures on your pagan holy days....-stain.

My love life has been confusing lately, to say the least.

I am in love with a woman I can't have, and who, although she has feelings for me, will probably never be mine.

I wake in the morning with thoughts of her. Sometimes I cry, because I will never know the taste of her lips. Sometimes I just try to make it through a day without thinking of her. I don't think I have succeeded. Sometimes, I just don't know what to do.

This evening an old lover called me, the only other woman I have ever loved, the person who knows me better than anyone else. She gave me the advice I have been giving myself for months, told me to look inside myself and find out why the hell I am doing this to me. Why am I keeping myself in a situation, wanting a woman already in love? What is it about this woman that has pulled me in so? What reflection of my needs do I see within her soul?

And then she asked me what it was I wanted in a relationship. If relationships, be they friend or lover, are what is truly the most important thing to me right now, then what do I really want in one? And, as I write this, the thoughts begin to come together, thoughts that have been there are along, and some that I have been afraid to look at. Because, even though I love her with every pore of my being, I sometimes wonder if she could really share with me everything I want.

And what scares me even more, is that sometimes... I think she could.

At work, in the morning

Last day at work before holidays. And what am I doing? Browsing the E2, of course. There's nobody else around right now, so who cares - and there's currently any work to be done.

Anyway, i slept a bit longer than usual this morning as I was reading E2 quite late last night.. (I added Robert Hood, Drama and Drexciya:) and I knew that today wouldn't be important day at work. We just get here, do something for few hours and the go home, to prepare the Christmas that's knocking on the door.

Couple of hours later

I have browsed E2 for two hours, as I have nothing better to do right now. I am still amazed by the sheer amount stuff in this place. It doesn't matter how much time I spend wandering around here, I seem to find something that I have not yet seen.

Sometime in the afternoon

Finally at home. On the way home, i visited bookstore, fully loaded with people in Christmas frenzy - but i managed to find myself something to read. All five parts of Douglas Adams' Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy in one book. Great! I have read three first parts, and now I get to read parts 4 and 5. I'm gonna like this Christmas for sure!

16.38 Local time

I'm looking for a good place to start reading the book I bought earlier. That means i'm offline for few hours. I think my bed looks quite good place for reading now..

In the evening

I didn't remember how funny the book was. Well, there's plenty of pages left for me to enjoy. My reading was interrupted as I was asked to help in cleaning the house; but I managed to read some 50 pages anyway.

Getting up within 5 minutes of of the alarm is a novelty for me. I was actually concious at 8:27. Woohoo!

I had opened the door at about 8:55 to meet a local cat on the doorstep. Not that I'd mind, but she'd managed to sneak in the other day and I had to run around catching her and kick her out. Today, I was onto her tricks. I just put on my best angry cat growl and widened my eyes at her(they don't like that very much at all). She soon got the idea and strolled away. It was safe to put my bike outside and lock the door behind me.

In work 10 minutes later, waiting for the other guys in the office to roll in. A couple of mince pies and a little skiving and I'm set for the day.

back | days | forth

So, the house is approaching a semblance of cleanliness, the garden... well, the less said about the garden the better. The presents still need to be wrapped, and I need to do something with my clothes other than stack them on my bedroom floor. Mostly things are going OK, but I still would like to do more; I don't know why, of course. Maybe I am subconsciously still in first date mode and I am still trying to impress the girl who has given her heart to me. Or maybe I just want this to be the best Christmas ever? If I had a choice, if I could choose my reasons, that would be it.

I still need to buy groceries, I still need to brave the pre christmas food shoppers with their trolleys overfull with biscuits and cola. If I could, I would go tonight, but I need to buy wrapping paper as well, ribbons and bows, sticky tag thingies that remind me which present goes to which person. I thank whoever is in charge that I am not cooking or organising christmas dinner - My little brain is hardly coping with presents and cleaning, anything else and I fear my head would explode. Or maybe implode. Into a black hole of bah humbugness. Or something.

I slept for 4 hours last night, and I went christmas shopping this morning - I am shattered, crazy tired.

So I take pro-plus to wake me up, and I am noding as I gather my strength and confidence to tackle the supermarket...

18 hours...


Well, the stupid supermarket had run out of nice hologram christmas wrap, and they had no tags left. boohoo. But I have stuff, christmas stuff that will make things go well :-)


8 hours to go...

Kitchen clean, bedroom messy again after a belated attempt to sort things out. Presents wrapped in el cheapo wrapping paper, with no tags and marker pen names. Flowers here and there, other little surprises waiting for smiles and kisses.

I believe I am excited. How about that?

Oh, and to all a merry christmas, and to all a good night!

worked until 3:30am last night, got home, slept till 8:00am and came back to work. i am exceedingly tired, but noticeably less cranky than when i left here last night.

it's snowing again. looks to be sticking, but forcasters are saying it'll stop soon. good. Man is flying home in the wee hours of the morning tomorrow. hopefully i won't have to work tomorrow. hopefully i won't miss christmas dinner with his family.

i am so physically tired and i feel so beat up, but thank goodness for merle. she has the office next to mine. i don't know her title, but she's a director of something... she works a lot with contracts and pricing and such. she has an ability to give me perspectives i had not seen. it's very helpful. she listens to anyone about anything and really offers good advice and words of wisdom. this is my anonymous thanks to her, and i hope the vibe reaches her.

anyhoo, time to go to a meeting. more later. i'll probably be at work all day and all night again, with some free blocks of time to update. adios for now.
despite working 8am - 9pm, it has been an fairly exciting day. high stress. pressure. i love it. i am doing my job exceedingly well. i feel fired up in my head... but my body is giving out. my calves are killing me. my legs tingle when i walk. i have been living on coffee and cigarettes. i am dehydrated, i can feel it in my lips and skin, and my urine is dark and is pungent. my stomach is crawling with hunger like bunches of spiders. i feel skeletal. but i am ready for tomorrow, and even sunday. i am confident and strong where it matters most.

although i will be busy during much of the weekend, i am pleased as punch that the man is on an airplane heading back home. i don't have to sleep alone tomorrow night. but shining like the star of bethlehem is monday. mmmmmmmonday. monday i am guaranteed off. monday will be chill, relaxing with my lover and my loved ones, drinking wine and being silly. snuggling with the man, fuzzy drunk under the electric blanket. mmmmmmmonday.
I got up at 7:30. I hate the morning!

Today was the last day of school before the winter brake. I went for computers mostly. I programmed all morning (E-test is doing well). I then went and played (with about 8 other friends) one of my teachers trivial pursuit. We almost came closes to tying him.

The winter brake is here two weeks were I can sleep in. All I am going to do is sleep, bladed, noded and if I have time eat.


On a completely different train of thought:
I hate that there are things that I don't want to talk or write about. I try but I can't. I real wish I could write about them. But I can't.
Hmm.

I'm now an IT Project Manager. Have been for a couple of months. Hopefully, I'm a good one.

It's a change from programming but really just another part of the development life cycle. What's rewarding is I can now waffle on at people about things like information hiding with authority. The less rewarding side is how little notice people still take... :-)

Ho ho hum...

10:54pm

I noticed fewer daylog entries here today. I guess many people are busy this time of year. I'm really not too thrilled about this whole holiday season myself. As always, I have managed to get sick right as the time off from work begins. I seem to have a cold that's keeping me coughing all of the time. I sometimes think I'm exaggerating when I tell people that I always get sick during the holiday break , either back in the days of school, or even now in the workforce. But here I am again, sick the day the break starts.

It seems like everyone at work has something to do this weekend except me. Since I don't have any good excuse not to, I'm going up to my parents for christmas, and I'm strongly considering not getting any gifts for anyone.

I'm so sick of this commercialism, as well as the whole overhyped, superstitious, religious, corporate, mind-fucking people are happily spoon-fed or have shat upon them. This happens all year around, but it is especially nausiating right before christmas. We're bombarded with psychologically perfected memes that tell us who (not even what) we should be. We should all be Calvin Klein and Tommy Hilfiger. We should all be happy this time of year. We should all spend money this time of year. We should all be nice little corporate-republic slaves.

Fuck christmas.


Ok, so I was in a bad mood earlier... I take it back (but I won't edit it, becuase I want a record of how and what I was thinking at the time). Read tomorrow's daylog to find out why.

Today I had lunch with my ex-stepdaughter, Iana. (Family relationships are so complicated these days!) I hadn't seen her in ages, even though she lives only 6 or 7 blocks from my office. I'm trying to think... was it last Christmas that I saw her last? She moved out, and in with her mom, in May of 1999. In October, 1999, her dad, my husband of nine years, left me. I still see him all the time. Despite the fact that, truly, he done me wrong, we are still close, but only in a fellow traveller sort of sense. Iana has kept her distance.

I was afraid it would be awkward. I was afraid she would bring a friend, and use her friend's presence as a way to avoid interacting with me. With dread, I saw her walking up with her mom. I get along OK with her mom (after all, we're members of the same club), but when she's around she controls the interaction.

Mom was just here for handoff. Whew!

I forked over the Christmas present -- Massive Attack's Mezzanine and a dramatic little cloth purse I saw in St. John that I thought she would like. We talked about friends, relationships, learning to drive; we ate pizza. It was only 30 minutes, but it was just me and her, shooting the shit, not much awkwardness, and even a fair amount of eye contact. More than you might expect from a 15-year-old.

I am glad to get to see her. I miss her. And it makes me happy to see that she is doing well.

Today marks a year, for Jessica and I. I love her. She’s my world, my everything.

Tonight, the stars shine only for us.

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