December 15, 2006

From the edge of the stage I become aware of his hungry glances. His eyes look volcanic, almost electric.

When he finishes playing his numbing melody, he is approached by a woman with ivory skin and smart eyes. She strikes metallic kisses to his forehead and cheeks before leaving.

With the blades of moonlight orbiting us, he taunts me with his coral tongue: "I can make you melt, I can make your eyes convulse amongst your intestines, I can make your nipples dance erratically across your shins. I will make you dissolve and crumble. I will saturate and devour you."

Skin begins to liquify as he poisons my blood. His body pressed against mine is like salve on a burn I never knew I had; it is relieving, yet his gospel screams "you shouldn't be able to do that at your age," but it doesn't matter - I'm naive, I'm too young to understand. I'm awarded with a hot, sugary prize. My tongue laps at my teeth; they feel gluey, dangerous.

But now, I am engulfed by promises that I had never realised I would have to deal with - promise never to love me, promise that I'll never have to see you cry or hold your hand, promise it now.

It's uncovered as emotional anaesthesia and it doesn't seem so fun.

I leave without saying goodbye.
It was drunken debauchery, I hope you can understand.

Here it is

I hate everyone, you know. Read that twice.

This is my life. There won't be another one, not this time around. I'm feeling a little angsty lately. Am I satisfied?

I am still, and empty, naturally. My parents found God shortly before I was born. They were passionate, and I was named for their religion. That is where it started.

I was smart in the unusual way, but while other prodigies read greek philosophy or caught up on their Baroque, I read the NKJIV. So it went, and at the age of independence I lost my religion. In retrospect, I think I lost everything.

When the mind empties, what is left? If you believe the various Eastern traditions, this is the time of greatest clarity. I don't know much of real use, but I see the world as it is.

I cannot control everyone, but I see how wrong everyone really is. I can see how wrong I am, and how right I am. I am tired of encountering the same ignorance time and again. Sometimes I feel as if the weight of it all is just too much and I would rather go to sleep.

When I see how much others accomplish, I find myself feeling very self-dissatisfied. Apathy is encroaching on my ability to function consciously. I need rest.

I look back on what I have written here and I know just how addled it is. I am not even bothering to link anymore. I am too lazy to go back and fix it, therefore many apologies. But furthermore, I want to make one more point for your perusal.

The evolution of our species has gone awry. The incredible safety we live in has preserved loads of redundant and obsolete genetic material. The isolated mutations that result in individuals with elevated consciousness arrive on a stage for which someone neglected to change the set. Ignorance is bliss, and this world is blissful for the ignorant. We have no place.