Crunchy peanut butter is for the strongest of the strong. The meek may inherit the earth, but the strongest are taking their crunchy peanut butter with them when they go. Crunchy peanut butter is for MEN! and WOMEN! who like to taste their food, to feel it submit to the raw power of their mastication. Crunchy peanut butter is for people who like texture, who like to feel food when they eat it. True cuisine is not just a pleasure for one sense, but all senses. Crunchy peanut butter is truly a feast for the senses; the rocky interplay between the butter and the crunchy, the smell of roasted peanut wafting through the air, the resounding crunch when you sink your teeth into that triple-decker Ultimate PB & J, the feel of all those bits of awesome between your teeth as you struggle mightily to crush the sandwich in your chiseled, aquiline jaws, and the ultimately pleasing sensation you get when you wash that peanut butter down with your drink of choice. When the Japanese were trying to come up with a word for that fifth sense of taste, they were using crunchy peanut butter as the supreme example, because crunchy peanut butter is a taste unlike any other tastes you will ever taste in your entire life. Pity those who lack taste buds, for they shall never know glory; scorn those who reject crunchy peanut butter, for they shall never realize their potential.
"Hell is creamy peanut butter."
-Jean-Paul Sartre, Closed Door
People who prefer creamy peanut butter over crunchy peanut butter are doily-crafting, khaki-wearing, tchotchke-collecting pansies with no spine and poor taste. They can handle crunchy peanut butter, but do not because they are weak. They lack strength. They lack discipline. They wax poetic about pretty-ass streams and foothills and loons and shit because they cannot handle intense situations. Crunchy peanut butter is an intense situation like you wouldn't believe. Eating creamy peanut butter instead of crunchy peanut butter is like drinking tap water from a dixie cup when you could be drinking the best water in the entire world from a chalice made of the finest crystal, hand-crafted by Michaelangelo after he finished the Sistine Chapel and said, "it was just okay, but I need to make something way cooler and also the best."
"If something anticipated arrives too late it finds us numb, wrung out from waiting, and we feel - like creamy peanut butter. The best things arrive on crunchy peanut butter."
-Dorothy Gilman, A New Kind of Country
People who enjoy crunchy peanut butter wax epic about rivers and mountains and fuckin' explosions and swords because they know what's up. They know what people like. People who like crunchy peanut butter are people of action, people of decision and gravity, leaders of men and movers of mountains. It is said that when Caesar was finally laid to rest, his favorite amphora of crunchy peanut butter made from the finest of peanuts from the greatest peanut valley in the Roman Empire was buried with him. When Charlemagne was afflicted with pleurisy and lay on his deathbed, he cursed his enemies for exchanging his crunchy peanut butter for creamy. When Gandhi finished a hunger strike, the first thing he ate was crunchy peanut butter. When Churchill, FDR, and Stalin met in February of 1945 for the Yalta Conference, they ate crunchy peanut butter.
"The great can protect themselves, but the poor and humble require the arm and shield of crunchy peanut butter."
-Andrew Jackson, 1821
Do you know what Caligula liked to spread on the faces of his enemies, just before he maimed and humiliated them? Creamy peanut butter. What did Vlad the Impaler put on each and every one of his stakes before he impaled someone with it? Creamy peanut butter. You know what Hitler ate before he committed suicide in his underground bunker? Creamy peanut butter. Even you frilly prancing slackjaw types ought to be able to see the pattern I'm presenting here. It's even in the Bible:
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not crunchy peanut butter, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not crunchy peanut butter, I am nothing.
If I give away all I have, and if I deliver my body to be burned, but have not crunchy peanut butter, I gain nothing.
crunchy peanut butter is patient and kind; crunchy peanut butter is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude.
crunchy peanut butter does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.
crunchy peanut butter bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
crunchy peanut butter never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.
For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is imperfect;but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away.
When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways.
For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall understand fully, even as I have been fully understood.
So faith, hope, crunchy peanut butter abide, these three; but the greatest of these is crunchy peanut butter.
-1st Corinthians, Chapter 13
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides with the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and crunchy peanut butter shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon those with great vengeance and with furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my crunchy peanut butter. And you will know that my name is the LORD when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
-Ezekiel, Chapter 25
Creamy peanut butter is an inferior product compared not only to crunchy peanut butter but pretty much everything else on a store shelf, ever. I would rather eat a tub of grossjelly made from the castoff rinds of grapefruits and stale pork rinds than consume even a pinch of creamy peanut butter. Creamy peanut butter is kept on store shelves because if we didn't have creamy peanut butter, then we wouldn't know how good crunchy peanut butter is, and thus we would never come to appreciate crunchy peanut butter. Creamy peanut butter is for babies, especially colicky ones that grow up to do drugs and engage in unprotected sex with lots of partners and not appreciate everything their parents did for them. Everyone I have ever known in my entire life who preferred creamy peanut butter over The One True Peanut Butter was a retarded gibbering lily-livered luser who never had their own opinions and swallowed everything they were told without being told to do it so they could suck up to their superiors (who consume crunchy peanut butter).
"A friend is, as it were, crunchy peanut butter."
-Cicero, De Amicitia
Creamy peanut butter is at the core of every single one of our societal evils. Creamy peanut butter causes the homeless to get drunk and not get jobs. Creamy peanut butter makes our teens get plastered and then get naked and do things to each other that their parents wouldn't try in a million years. Creamy peanut butter is what cocaine and methamphetamine were derived from. Creamy peanut butter is what makes a man shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Creamy peanut butter is responsible for the overcrowding in our jails. Ever hear those stories about housewives in South America finding the face of Jesus in their toasted cheese sandwich? You never hear about the reports of housewives finding the face of Satan in their jars of creamy peanut butter, because the creamy peanut butter-influenced mass media suppresses that sort of thing so they can perpetrate their evil message throughout our homes and our lives. Creamy peanut butter is responsible for the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.
"No legacy is so rich as crunchy peanut butter."
-William Shakespeare, All's Well That Ends Well, Act 3 Scene 5
Real men and women get crunchy peanut butter. They understand that real peanut butter is so damn good they can't even wait for it all to turn into some weaksauce creamy soup. They want it now, and they want it with bits of the peanuts still in it. In fact, they want it with extra chunks of peanut in it. Crunchy peanut butter is so ridiculously good I can't even begin to describe how delicious it is. A substance as divine, as lovingly crafted as crunchy peanut butter is beyond the ability of any single one man to describe. Whole epics, spanning thousands of pages and several novels, could be written in praise to crunchy peanut butter, the most sublime of sandwich toppings.
"Crunchy peanut butter is incontrovertible, ignorance can deride it, panic may resent it, malice may destroy it, but there it is."
"Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of crunchy peanut butter."
-John F. Kennedy