http://www.coincidencedesign.com
"Providers of Good Fortune"

Since October of 1999, Coincidence Design has provided 37 clients with a service that no other company has had the foresight (or perhaps audacity) to provide: the opportunity to find the perfect wife. (Yes, wife—Coincidence Design serves male clients only.) After submitting the name of the woman (or "subject," as she is referred to on their website) in whom you've taken an interest, Coincidence Design subjects her to an extensive background check, investigating "criminal records, excessive debt, physical diseases, psychological abnormalities, narcotics addiction, or any other dependency" that would mar her status as The Perfect Woman.

And that's just Phase I.

Having established that the woman you "noticed in a restaurant, or in the lobby of a hotel... [or] passed on the sidewalk a few months ago" is physically and mentally fit, a team of around twelve Coincidence Design agents begin to probe every aspect of her life. The agents will find out "what she likes, what she cares about... what frightens her, what does she hate? What kind of women did she make friends with, and what kind of men did she date? How has she benefited from her attractiveness, and how has she suffered?" They describe their exact methods as "a trade secret," but they do tell us that they will interview her co-workers, her ex-boyfriends, her friends from college. They'll tap her phone and read her mail. They'll search her apartment. They'll investigate her relatives.

Don't worry, it gets better.

After the hassle of getting to know her has been taken care of—no pesky socializing for our customers!—Coincidence Design breaks the mold of your traditional P.I. and sets up your coincidence. They'll "arrange for the two of you to first meet at a convention, and then—a few weeks later—end up, coincidentally, seated next to each other on a trans-Atlantic flight. Or find yourselves, coincidentally, trapped in an elevator together." When this "chance" meeting occurs, you'll be sure to wow her with your carefully memorized profile of her music preferences and favorite TV shows—and she'll never be the wiser, thanks to Coincidence Design's "on-site operational management and client training."

The next question on your mind, no doubt, is "How much?" According to the company's website, expected operating cost for all three phases of operation is $78,000, plus any necessary airfare for Phase III and miscellaneous expenses. Initial retainer is $10,000, plus demonstrable evidence of financial stability—no installment plan is available, for "a need to rely on [installments] would imply that you are not wealthy enough to be a suitable suitor for the lady of your dreams."

Not everyone, of course, is eligible for Coincidence Design's services. Besides having the wherewithal, you must also be "free of addiction to narcotics, alcohol, or gambling," and cannot be "lazy in terms of making [yourself] attractive to the opposite sex." Your application will also be rejected if you work for the press or have any relation to the journalism business, for reasons that should be obvious due to Coincidence Design's unique business methods.

Some "subjects," too, will be disqualified. Anyone with "more than average media exposure—celebrities, athletes, news anchors, etc." are off-limits, because "their private lives are in the public domain to begin with, and research into their lives will not ensure a successful completion of our mission." Also, their missions are strictly boy-meets-girl; gay males are out because "we do not have sufficient experience or expertise regarding the psychology of homosexual individuals," and women seeking to arrange "coincidences" with men are out of luck because "the male-female dynamic doesn't work that way."

Coincidence Design is hiring! If you have a private investigator's license, hop on over and fill out their Field Agent Registration form. Remember, "a career with Coincidence Design entails hard work and some risk, but is rewarded by superb compensation and unrivaled job satisfaction.

Coincidence Design: "You can't stalk her... but we can!"

All quoted material from http://www.coincidencedesign.com unless otherwise specified.

Log in or registerto write something here or to contact authors.