A Simple and Concise Guide to
Successfully Executing the "Coffee Shop Date"
No Matter What Age or Sex Bracket You Belong To
(In very clear and nearly flawless English)
Always remember that there will be a certain amount of refraction in the window glass that will obscure everything you are doing and allow you to get away with murder.
Choose well. Because you are about to undertake great evil, you must be careful to situate yourself just right and to order just the right things. You will want to be sure that the coffee shop in question has a full liquor bar. You'll want some juice in your coffee because otherwise it could become too bitter. This is where your plan begins.
Now, the first thing that you will want to ask your date after alcohol spirited coffee drinks arrive is whether or not he or she can acquire missiles. The second question, naturally, is whether or not he or she can acquire them quietly and without drawing a lot of attention. Acquiring missiles is futile if you are going to end up being surrounded by law enforcement, military personnel and government operatives.
Now, sip your coffee drinks and mull over the possibility of ordering any food items that may be available. Then compliment your date on their eyes, their hair or their shoulders in order to draw them into your web of deceit. Then casually ask about their amount of credit card debt. If they respond defensively, laugh it off and pretend you were so nervous that you didn't realize what you were asking. Don't go back to the missiles immediately. This is time for getting to know each other. Attempt physical contact. Gently stroke an arm, a leg or a foot. Pause momentarily, then grab the body part you were stroking roughly and twist. Show them who is boss here. Yeah, thats it. You're in charge.
If you are a woman, this is the opportunity to bare your breasts for both your date and the other patrons of the restaurant. If you are a man, choke down the rest of your coffee drink quickly, remove your shoes and yell to the wait staff to bring you another. Quickly. This will prove your manliness to your date.
Look for reading material. A newspaper or magazine is a good choice, but a crappy novel will also suffice. Immediately kick back and begin reading, intently. Ignore your date. After at least fifteen minutes have passed, throw your reading material onto the floor and make a lot of random, jerky movements. Lean forward and stare into your date's eyes.
"Yeah. The missiles. How soon?"
Once you secure that information, and know how to attain the missiles, you will want to torture your date. Spare no expense and never consider their feelings. Choose appropriate means of torture based on the evaluations you have made during the conversational period of the coffee shop date. Afterwards, prepare to dump your date somewhere. Rivers and lakes are excellent choices, but don't forget to weigh the body down.
In the end, you will have the missiles you were after and everything will work out in your favor. It is simple. Most people think dating is difficult, but it really isn't, provided you think ahead and have a good game plan. Good luck!