What many people fail to realize is that smoking is actually quite good for you in many ways. It also carries far more benefits than not smoking.

  1. SMOKING WILL HELP YOU MAKE FRIENDS: Thanks to the banishment from the world of non-smokers, smokers must now congregate in very small areas, in the cold/heat, rain/snow/150mph winds... This sort of adversity breeds a certain amount of cameraderie between them. Stories are exchanged, enriching lives. News is exchanged, enriching knowledge. Sometimes numbers are exchanged, enriching sex lives or friendships. No matter how different you are, smokers all have something in common. They are discriminated against, and thusly quickly band together. You will always have a ready group of friends, just outside the fire-escape.

  2. SMOKING WILL BUILD YOUR TOLERANCE TO TOXINS: Ever see a non-smoker in a bar that allows smoking? They're eyes are bloodshot, they cough, they sneeze, they complain about the smoke and the smell. Rarely will you ever make such a fool of yourself if you smoke. By being a proud smoker, you can survive these mildly adverse conditions, or you can choose to avoid them altogether. The poor non-smoker, however, apparently has no choice but to go to smoking establishments and complain, rather than go somewhere else and leave the smokers alone. This is because there is a certain toxin called Whineyness that has permeated America. It infects everyone at some point, but generally the more niccotine you take in, the less room there is for the toxin Whineyness to take hold. Non-smokers, however, do not have the neccesary chemicals to protect them from the Whineyness Toxin, and as such become infected with it far more frequently.

  3. SMOKING WILL REDUCE STRESS AND ANXIETY: Rarely will you see a smoker lose their temper unless they've been drinking. However, the calming effects of a constant niccotine supply in the bloodstream reduce the amount of stress and anxiety that can cause serious heart conditions and ulcers. Why risk a heart attack or an ulcer? Smoke today!

  4. SMOKING HELPS SUPPORT THE ECONOMY: It's no secret that the recent recession is due to less and less people smoking. The less people that smoke, the less the demand for cigarettes. The less demand for cigarettes, the less demand there are for convenience stores and trucks to deliver them. The less demand there are for tobacco farmers, for fuel stations to fuel the trucks that transport it to the manufacturer... It's trickle-down economics that eventually come full circle and bite you on the ass. Is it really worth putting all those people out of work?

  5. YOU ALWAYS HAVE AN EXCUSE TO LEAVE: Bored to tears at the Family Reunion? Your kids 7th grade Christmas play putting you to sleep? Thanksgiving Dinner at Grandma's has you wishing to be anywhere else?... No worries! If you're a smoker you can always step outside and have a cigarette! Or even better, you can claim you're out and have to buy more, then leave and smoke in peace. Non-Smokers do not have such a luxury. They must remain and suffer, or be brutally honest and hurt the feelings of their family and children. So if you want to see the light in a child's eyes, smoke today!

  6. SMOKING EXCERCISES YOUR LUNGS AND ARMS, BUILDS MANUAL DEXTERITY: Breathing smoke is no easy task and isn't for wimps. It takes good strong lungs to smoke well. But with just one pack a day you can go from being a weak-lunged sissy to having lungs like SuperMan! Your arms are continuously worked out by the up and down movement. Impress your friends with your new biceps from smoking! Lastly, lighting a cigarette requires a certain amount of skill and finesse if you don't want to look a fool. But along with smoking comes certain cool tricks, like snapping open a Zippo and having it lit, with one hand, in one quick motion. Non-smokers, like non-jugglers, will never know this joy.


With so much hypocracy in the world, and pain and suffering, you should do your part to take care of yourself. And one of the ways to take the best care of yourself possible is to start smoking today!
Recently, the Philip Morris company released a report on the economics of cigarettes. Not surprisingly, the cigarette company favored the use of cigarettes to improve the economy.

Since smokers die sooner than non-smokers, the national government pays less in terms of social security and medicare.

The release of this report was met with harsh feelings. The media slammed Philip Morris for favoring cigarettes so people will die earlier thus helping the economy.

Cigarettes as a Tool for Perpetuating Human Evolution in First World Countries.
OR
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Deathstick

People don't like cigarettes. At least most people don't. Even the vast majority of smokers will tell you that they want to quit, but can't. Or will later, when they have the time, or a vast plethora of other excuses.

Why are cigarettes bad? Well, that seems easy enough. They stink - first and foremost, they are expensive, and they aren't very good for you. Unless lung cancer is your idea of fun, of course.

That covered the "cigarettes" part. What about evolution? Thing is, survival of the fittest doesn't really apply to a big part of the human population. Success, maybe, but not survival. Social services and the relative abundance of food in first world countries took care of that. Couple that with the fact that families with a low social-economic status tend to have more children, and evolution is almost reversed.

So smoking can be used as tool. People paying hard-earned money for the chance to develop a painful and potentially fatal disease, not to mention lower their lung capacity and fitness? What better example of members of our species who are not worthy to pass on their genes?

The problem is that people are now smoking less and less, as they realize what cigarettes do to you. The solution? Teach smoking in schools! Instead of telling the children that they shouldn't smoke, tell them about all the horrible things smoking does to you, but tell them that it is "cool", and "hip". Get 'em while they're young, as it were. The sooner they start smoking, the sooner they die, and the lower the chance of them having children - thus removing their unfit chromosomes from the human genepool.

This brilliant thesis was developed over a few weeks of working part-time at a convinience store. I have never felt right about taking money from people to let them pollute their own lungs with nictoince and tar.
NOTE: I do not hate smokers. I don't like people who smoke in general, but there are many individuals I know and like who smoke. Like my Father, for example. As I've said, this is a semi-humourous excuse for me to sell deathsticks to people, some of whom clearly don't realize what they do to them.
Moved from its own node, because it doesn't deserve one.

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