チ〇コ音頭

Chinko Ondo, literally "The Penis March," is a Flash animation/song made by some sick Japanese mofo. It features, in brilliant asciimation, a catlike character who sings about the various shortcomings of his sex life. You can view the original at http://www7.ocn.ne.jp/~helpme/flash/chinko.swf (WARNING: NOT SAFE FOR WORK, OR HUMAN CONSUMPTION FOR THAT MATTER), and follow along with the following lyrics translation (done by my brilliant RYE friend zomahon, italicized translations of the animation are my own):

While it loads, the character says "Hang on and drink some tea or something." Then it says "OK, (we) borrow your hands!"

ONE First sex of the year I was all alone
A happy new year to you, my right hand.
Squeeze the penis, squeeze it real gooood
Squeeze the penis, squeeeeze it real goood

TWO the male mark of the exposed penis
big kanji for "man"
Touch it, touch it, touch it more!
Squeeze the penis, squeeze it real gooood
Squeeze the penis, squeeeeze it real goood

THREE look at my penis!
pointing to the big guy's censored groin: "Mosaic"
Long black, yet unused
little guy in the box: "It's not really that big!"
Squeeze the penis, squeeze it real gooood
Squeeze the penis, squeeeeze it real goood
"He's impotent?" "Yup."

FOUR nice to meet you young lady,
Sign: "Massage, 2000 yen"
"Please, Mona." "Okay!"
Wrap your hands around my dick and stand by!
"Uh, uh, Mona?"
Squeeze the penis, squeeze it real gooood
Squeeze the penis, squeeeeze it real goood
"That'll be 2000 yen." "You're only gonna rub it?!"

FIVE at my favorite porn site
In my right hand is a giant steel rod
Squeeze the penis, squeeze it real gooood
Squeeze the penis, squeeeeze it real goood

SIX Sometimes I want to plug it up
The Marijuana deep with my wang
Squeeze the penis, squeeze it real gooood
Squeeze the penis, squeeeeze it real goood

SEVEN I think I’ll give to that girl Nanashi
throb throb
My penis tied up in a ribbon!
Squeeze the penis, squeeze it real gooood
"Huh... nobody's here... squeezing time!"
Squeeze the penis, squeeeeze it real goood

EIGHT Ew I hate it, these marks of disease
Urologist's Office - "I'm having some pain urinating." "Ah, yes, it must be chlamydia."
"WHAT?!" "Don't worry, I'll give you some medicine..."
Loneliness, herpes, and chlamydia
"Welcome back!" "Um, a... actually..."
Squeeze the penis, squeeze it real gooood
"Goodbye." "W... WAIT!"
Squeeze the penis, squeeeeze it real goood
Condom man briefly flashes across the screen: "Always wear a rubber!"

NINE Tonight is also a battle!
Come and get it, erotic pictures!
"We deeply apologize for the preceding inappropriate images."
Squeeze the penis, squeeze it real gooood
Squeeze the penis, squeeeeze it real goood

TEN Well, I finally jizzed
Fly, semen, fly! Get to the moon!
Squeeze the penis, squeeze it real gooood
Squeeze the penis, squeeeeze it real goood


God, I feel so impure now. And to think, if All your base are belong to us weren't already noded, I wouldn't feel justified in putting this up.

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