Being a fairly small, lanky kid in school, there weren't many opportunities to date. I mean, girls generally didnt go after the weedy looking guys with any sort of gusto. Not like the big, tall, blonde guys with beach tans and the model looks. And those guys knew it, and played it to their advantage.
At the end of school, we had what we call our 'leavers dinner' (some people would call that a "prom" across the pond from us) and I went alone. There was just no want for a guy such as myself. It was a hard lesson in life to take, but it reaffirmed the fact that the good looking guys get the girls.
When I was 17, I lost my virginity. And having not listened to anyone about the rituals around it, the experience was nothing special. In fact, I dont even remember her name. It was that long ago and that rushed, I just dont remember enough about it. I tend to think back on it and regret it every time it comes into my mind. Its one of many regrets, and I cant change it now.
When I was 19, I started going to technical college. A few blocks away in the middle of the city, was a Mc Donalds storefront. Not the kind you can sit down at, but just a hole in the wall really, that fast food was served out of. Being generally pretty poor on a students income (nothing) I went there a lot. Every time I went to this Mc Donalds, it seemed like I'd be served by the same girl. You should have seen her too. Maybe a little bit chubby, she had platinum blonde hair down to her shoulders, very Swedish looking. Almost had some sort of natural tan too. Perfect nose, and these blue eyes which had a lot of clarity and detail to them. She was a natural stunner. But didnt seem to be able to speak very well. Severe lisp, and the words just never came out clearly.
I'd go to this Mc Donalds every day, clutching a note in my hand. I'd order food and try to get the courage up to give her the note, with my number on it. This went on every week day for a whole 18 months. Until one day I pushed the note across the counter, mumbled something, and then turned and ran for my life. Forgot the big mac, just turned and bolted out of fear and embarrassment.
Later that night, I got a message from the girl. We started texting. But never called each other. Then met up for coffee one day. She was gorgeous. And as it turned out, very deaf too. Born that way. Suddenly I knew why she never called on the phone. She was engaged to be married to some guy who worked the Myer catalogues as an underwear model. But he was pretty abusive towards her. We had coffee a lot more, and slowly we fell for each other. She cheated with me, a weedy little nerdy kid, over her model fiancee. Then she left him for me. We dated for the next 7 months. Life couldnt have been any better. I had a gorgeous blonde girl in my life, and this was the high point of my life I think.
It went downhill abruptly. We were sitting in Starbucks one day and she reached out for my hand and told me she wasnt ready for a relationship. It broke my heart on the spot. Because I loved her. We didnt talk much for the next week, and then things went really sour. Walking to work one morning, a week after she had dumped me, I saw her standing at the bus stop, with her tongue down another guy's throat, making out like animals. They saw me and she pulled him down an alley in order to avoid a confrontation. I arrived at work and just broke down. As it turned out, she was seeing this guy during the last 3 months of us being together, and chose him over me. It took me a year to get past this emotionally, and there were some very dark days down that road. While she was off having fun with this guy, I had to deal with being emotionally trainwrecked almost every day.
So 2 years passed, and out of stupidity, in January 2010 I met another girl. Short, with a pale complexion, dark auburn hair down past her shoulders, very much the same complexion and look as Lindsey Lohan. The daughter of a prominent politician. And with a 3 month old baby to some other guy who apparently had run off. I cant say I fell for her instantly. It was more like she slowly grew on me. We dated for nearly 9 months. I grew fond of her, in her heavy drinking, alcoholic way. (I dont drink, which she always found to be suspicious) everywhere we went, people would ask if I was the baby's father. She would cut me off and reply "yes, he's the dad!" which at first was a big deal to me. Being 23, nobody had ever called me a father before, and this was a big thing. We continued to date for 8 or so months. She would get drunk on weekends, and vomit all over me, the bed and the baby. I stuck it out and tried to be supportive. Even when she got drunk and angry and used to shout at me that she hated me. I still told her I loved her, through the tears, as I showered the vomit off her crumpled body in the shower cubicle at 2am, while being verbally set upon.
One night, she asked to be driven to a party. I drove her there. The details are not worth explaining, but she had a half bottle of vodka and slept with 4 guys (I have the photos, names and addresses) while I stayed back to look after her house. In the morning I returned to her house, and knocked on the door. A naked guy from the night before answered the door. Then my girlfriend stumbled to the doorstep and told me to piss off. She loved Chris now, and they were going to be together forever. She threw my possessions out of the doorway at my head, and slammed it shut. I gathered myself and my belongings from the ground, and got into my car. I hammered the V8 to its 6500rpm rev limit, and left my final piece of writing to her, in the form of two fat black rubber lines outside her house.
The next week she cut off her long auburn hair and dyed what was left, raven black. I lost the feeling of being a 'father' to her child, who I'd seen grow up over 6 months. I had bonded. And she'd just ripped that away from me, when she slammed the door. Having that taken away, plus the sting of being cheated on, just drove me back to the pits of hell and loathing all over again. It had taken 12 months to pull myself out of the hole, and in an instant this girl had pushed me back in, for God knows how long.
I've been cheated on a lot, as I told a friend at the bar later that week. In fact, I've never been in a relationship where I havent been cheated on. I've learnt to build up walls around myself, as a defense mechanism- if I dont let people in, they cant hurt me anymore. And thats been the mantra up to now, because its the only way to protect myself from these sorts of people. I'm happier without the stress of them in my life. No I dont want to be single, but I'd rather be single than be hurt.