Bailiff
Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Me
By my balls, I do swear.

Judge
What?! And get your hands out of your pants!

Me
Your honor, the origins of the word testimony and testify are closely related to that of testis (or balls or nads for those who weren't forced to take Latin in school). Some historians believe that the Romans placed their right hands on their testicles and swore by them before giving a testimony. This is part of the reasons that eunuchs and women weren't allowed to testify in in court. Yes, I will certainly admit to there being controversy over this, but hey - its nice to be able to stick your hands down your pants and have some fun in court without being held in contempt. It is documented Roman law though that no man could bear witness unless he possessed both testes. Whatever the case, testify and testicle are from the same origin, and my certainly do give witness to my virility, wouldn't you agree consol?

Judge
I was under the understanding that this goes back to the Indo-European word for 'three', the witness being a third party.

Me
That is certainly possible too. There is some mention of it in Genesis, but it is subject to some dispute. "And Abraham said unto his eldest servant of his house, that ruled over all that he had, Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh: And I will make thee swear by the LORD the God of heaven, and the God of the earth" and so on. You can read about it in Genesis 24 if you want. Some scholars use this as evidence of swearing by your balls, others counter that this is swearing by the testicles of the ruler or king. Your honor, do you really want me swearing by the balls of Bush?

Bailiff
(if it was a year ago, I'm certain it would have been quite acceptable - I wonder if that is what Monica swore by?)

Judge
Bailiff! She was never questioned and didn't testify.

Bailiff
(she didn't have the balls?)

Judge
Back to the issue at hand - I said at not in hand. Mr. Turner, will you please get yours out of your pants. In the case of the state against Mr. Turner for indecent exposure...

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