.

once upon a time I was born. then I lived. then I grew up and became a student. there is nothing I can put here that will make me any more interesting than I am already. somewhere in this mess is my mailing address. send me things. visit me.

someday I will add bits here that will make you love me. but not today.

what is below this line is somewhat outdated, but i will leave it here because it takes up space.

so I've paid a deposit so that I can move and now I wake up to panic attacks every morning. I fear change, except for the bus or the laundry.

There's a club, if you'd like to go
You could meet somebody who really loves you
So you go, and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home, and you cry
And you want to die

When you say it's gonna happen "now"
Well, [when exactly do you mean?
See I've already waited too long
And all my hope is gone

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way?
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

June 25...This morning I confided to my diary that certain things in my life aren't just right. specifically, "I long for something more
adventure, excitement, art,
connection, bliss, inspiration.
melting on the inside
shivers -> magic.

This evening, I realised that there are things that make me melt on the inside. But for all the wrong reasons.

everyone i know, goes away, in the end....and you could have it all, my empire of dirt, i will let you down, i will make you hurt...if i could start again...

i'm so lonely, i wish i was the moon tonight

how deep is the ocean?, how high is the sky...

Somebody wanted to know who i was...so here it all is...beware.<p>

1)Starting time: 6:16pm...though I plan to finish this tommorrow.
2)Your Name: bus ridin' fool.
3)Nicknames:
4)School: UBC
5)Email: ask me
6)Eyes: blue-grey
7)Height:5'10"
8)Pets: I have a dog that lives with my dad. and algae where my sea monkies used to be. and many spiders that roam free.
9)Siblings: a younger brother and younger sister, names withheld.
10)Been so drunk you blacked out: i don't remember, and that should tell you something.
11)Taken any illegal substances: yes
12)Gone out in public in your pajamas?: yes. but girls get away with that kind of thing.
13)Missed school because it was raining: once
14) Set any body part on fire for amusement: not my own body, but I have ignited both leg hair and a handfull of magnesium shavings.
15)Kept a secret from everyone: not everyone. secrets are meant to be told.
16)Run down a street naked (or almost naked)?: no. I am ugly naken.
17)Wanted to hook up with a friend: once or twice
18)Cried during a Flick: Yes. White Fang and Mrs. Doubtfire and You've Got Mail and Life is Beautiful.
19)Had a crush on a teacher: no I don't think so.
20)Ever thought an animated character was hot?: no
21)Ever at anytime owned a New Kids on the Block tape?: I still have two of the three I once owned
22)Planned your week based on the TV Guide: Just my Monday nights.
23)Done a Happy Dance (literally, none of this "inner" happy-dancing): all the time.
24)Been on stage: yes - for lil girl ballet recitals, during a drag-talent-show, and an academy award speech.

FAVORITES------------------

25)Shampoo: Avalon brand - peppermint smell.
26)Song: today I like Mack the Knife.
27)Colours: I like things that are red.
28)Day/Night: sunny days and starry nights
29)Summer/Winter: it would have to be the summertime, when the living is easy.
30)Online Smiley:
31)Lace or satin: lace undies
32)Cartoon Character: the roadrunner.
33)Animal?: humans. but i quite like most creatures.

OTHER STUFF . . .


34)Like anyone?: I like /everyone/. I also have a secret crush.
35)Who have you known the longest of your friends: I have known the girl who is my roommate for thirteen years now.
36)Who's the loudest friend: that is a toss-up. names withheld.
37)Who's the shyest: Me
38)Who do you go to for advice:
39)Who do you get the most surveys from:
40)Who do you cry with: Ben and Jerry.

IN THE LAST 2 Weeks ------------

41)Cried: no
42)Cut your hair: no
43)Worn a skirt: yes. I made it myself out of corduroy pants that the crotch ripped in.
44)Met someone new: I have. a large group of scary-dorky-first aiders.
45)Talked to someone you have a crush on: I have not. Does email count?
46)Lied?: hahaha...all my life is a lie.
47)Done something nice for someone else?: I must have. Yes, I did. I put change in a parking meter when I saw it had run out and that the campus cowboys were on their way...but that wasn't really nice, it was just to thwart the campus cowboys.
48)Missed someone: yes. a few people.
49)Hugged someone: yes. i did. and i am not a huggy-person. even when drunk.
50)Fought with your parents: I have not fought with my parents since I moved out. Before I moved out I fought with them on a weekly basis.
51)Wished upon a star: on every star.
52)Laughed until you cried: no. but I must share the quote that someone else said: "Though I figure (my name here) will make me laugh until I cry one of these days on our long treks on the bus. She's funny."
53)Played Truth or Dare: not in the past two weeks.
54)Watched a sunrise/sunset: no.
55)Went to the beach at night: No.
56)Spent quality time alone: is it quality time when you're studying you ass off? if so, then yes. most of this week.
57)Read a book for fun: I am not allowed to read books for fun until school is out. But I did buy some!

MORE STUFF . . .

58)what is the last Restaurant you went to?: The Austin Heights Diner. I had steamed rice and Chinese tea. my bill was under $2. the waitress looked at me funny.
59)Are you lonely: yes.
60)Are you happy: at times.
61)Are you talking to someone online: no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN-------

62)God/Devil: I do, but not by those names.
63)Love: actually, yes I do. If you put a baby monkey in a cage, with two robot mommies, one that is made of wire and gives food pellets and the other that is made of terrycloth and is warm and soft but does not give food, it will spend more time cuddling with the terrycloth mommy, and if you scare the baby monkey (experimenters have been known to dress up like bears), it will run to the terrycloth monkey. this is evidence against human infants forming attachments to their parents because of food, indicating that there are some needs that instinctually outweigh even food.
64)The Closet Monster: my closet has no door. and so no monsters.

66)Heaven/Hell: I know what Hell looks like. It is a long white hallway, with many locked doors lining it. And in one of these doors is a storage locker with all of my possessions in it, and all of my memories. And I have to leave it here.
67)Superstitions: what some call superstition, i call something else altogether.
68)What is your full name? bus ridin' fool, the girl who lives downstairs. if i knew you in real life and knew you wouldn't hurt me, i would tell you the real answer to this question.
69)Who named you?: my mom and dad...my first name comes from a baby book, my middle name is for my grandmother.
70)Backstreet Boys or NSync?: i like NKOTB
71)When was the last time you showered? please don't make me answer. i think it may have been the night before last.
72)What color pants do you have on right now? navy blue corduroy.
73)What song are u listening to right now?: it's eeriely quite here right now.
74)What was the the last thing that you said online?: "I hate you and hope you die"
75)What is your computer desk made of?: Ikeastuff
76)Where was your shirt made? assembled in Mexico of US components. and there are blue meanies on it.
77)What is your favourite number? 3,4 and 9.
78)What was the last thing you ate? Pizza.
79)Where do you want to go on your honeymoon? Although I do not believe in marriage, I do believe in trips backpacking across Canada and Europe.
80)Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with: that's a really long time.
81)Got milk?: I do.
82)How's the weather right now?: it's rainy and sunny and cold and warm. it's springtime in vancouver
83)Have you ever smoked pot? yes
84)What did you do last night? crammed for my developmental psych exam.
85)What's the worst thing that you find about the opposite sex?: they can pee standing up and do so all over the place and it makes me green with envy.
86)how are you today? procrastinative.
87)How do you eat an Oreo? with a spoon from a bowl of milk.
88)What makes you happy? shiny objects. ella fitzgerald and nate king cole. ice cream. poesie. being told i am loved. sunshine. baby daffodils. blowing bubbles. good hair days. camping. spending time with children. pretty nail polish.

91)have you ever won any awards? yes. I have a ribbon because I can dress myself.

93)What are your future goals? I'd like to finish the paper i have due tommorrow. I'd like to go out dancing the night after. I'd like to have a lucid dream. I'd like to get a job and not be homeless this summer. I'd like to make my father proud of me.

94)My fave music? jazz, ska, punk, canadian geek humour, rock, country, angsty chick singers, 80's pop, disco, 50's sodashop classics, anything i can dance to in my living room.
95)Favorite Food? my other X chromosome makes me like chocolate.
96)Favorite movies: The Princess Bride, Robin Hood - Men in Tights, Billy Madison, A Wind from Wyoming...
97)Fave day of last year (2002)? 2002 kind of sucked for me.
98)Fav guys/girls cologne? elvis sweat.
99)Do you like to dance?: I do. and do so badly. but it does not matter.
100)Fast or slow?: I'm not so big on the slow songs.
101)Are you too shy to ask someone out? I suppose I must be.

103)If you could change your name, what would it be? I can change my name, yet I haven't. What does that say?
104)Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? sometimes, but then in the morning they are on the floor and I feel bad. I have many stuffed penguins suspended in flight from my ceiling. They prefer that to cuddling with me.
105)Have you ever been in love?: Utterly and profoundly. for about a week.
106)What is the stupidest thing you have ever done? the stupidest? of all the stupid things...oh, that would make me sad to talk about.
107)What will your first son's name be?
108)First daughter?
109)What colour is your underwear?: kind of a snot green. but they came that way - it's not because i don't do laundry.
110)Do you like scary or happy movies better? I like movies that change my life.
111)On the phone or in person? in person or online. i do not like the telephone, i do not like cell phones. and yet i have both. one to keep my roommate happy, one to keep my mother happy. one day, i will not have a phone at all, and then where will we be?
112)Lust or Love?: it can't always be love. sometimes you just have to lust over attractive and unfriendly people.

113)If you could change something about yourself what would
it be?: it would be the desire to change myself.

114)Do you consider cheerleading a sport? hell yes. I couldn't do that.

115)Do you want your friends to write back: I have no friends.

116)End time: 7:01. crap. i need to go do things.

no one can hear me screaming.
not even me.

                                              if you can't fuck 'em, stalk 'em
































































                                                          it's like nothing i do matters
























    

















    teenage angst is supposed to clear up after puberty



























































































                                                                            isn't it?



































                                  hmm... watch out for slugs.

single, white female seeks job and new digs. i need change



What could we say...we're only 25 years old? 
With 25 sweet summers, and hot fires in the cold 
This kind of life makes that violence unthinkable 
We'd like to play hockey, have kids and grow old 


He's just a peacenik and she's just a warhawk 
That's where the beach was, that's where the sea 
What could we say...we're only 25 years old? 
And history seems to agree 
that I would fight you for me 
That us would fight them for we

Is that how it always will be? 


The world today seems absolutely crackers,
With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky high.
There's fools and idiots sitting on the trigger.
It's depressing, and it's senseless, and that's why... 

• getting caught when i masturbate
• tea tree oil in the eyeballs
• needles
• crease lines on my face when I wake up
• caulk
• pointless vandalism
• nuclear bombs
• destruction of all kinds
• when leonard cohen sings
• margaret atwood novels, poetry and interpretative dance
• when people put things in "quotations for emphasis", rather than quoting
• litter
• huge gobs of spit on the ground
• ......

Don't worry, the more you cry the less you have to pee

---

Did you ever listen to the sound of street cats making love
And guess from their cries you were listening to a fight
Well you know, hate's just the last thing they're thinking of
They're only trying to make it through the night

It's alright, 'cause I love you.
And that's not gonna change.
Run me round, make me hurt again and again.
But I'll still sing you love songs
Written in the letters of your name.
And brave the storm to come,
For it surely looks like rain.



      Dressed up to the eyes,
             it's a wonderful surprise
                  to see your shoes and your spirits rise.
            Throwing out your frown 
                   and just smiling at the sound
      and as sleek as a shriek 
              spinning round and round. 
      Always take a big bite. 
              It's such a gorgeous sight
                    to see you eat in the middle of the night. 
              You can never get enough; 
        Enough of this stuff 
            It's friday
                    I'm in love. 

2003.1.23@4:02 jessicapierce says re cinnamon toast house: BRILLIANT!



i'm on a hovercraft to Paris with my former best friend
we have to get to the cinematheque
we're not alone but no one speaks english, so we're free
to look into each other's minds
and see what we're thinking like we always used to
i miss talking to you
but you never draw me out so
cast off the ego scars and let's go hit the bars

My life is a stereo
How loud does it go
What songs do I know
What happened to my plans
What ever happened to the life I thought I'd have
My life is a stereo
Kind of cheaply made, though
How bad does it show
What ever did become of all my friends
What ever happened to the likes of all of them
My life is a stereo
Turn me on and let's go
Turn me up louder
I'll scream as loud and clear as I can scream
If you like what you're hearing, please hang on to me
I like being here
And I'm hooked up all wrong
Hang on to me
Though I'm one of a million
And my lights are like candles
I'm so afraid of new technology
I'm in the race and I don't wanna be
I'm so afraid of what's to come to me
I'm in the race

Life ends in a stereo
Pack me up and let's go
Put me anywhere
Please don't think of leaving me behind
Whatever happens to you, I'll get on just fine



"Chiclitz's nickname will seem mysterious to those readers not familiar with the threatening question, "Do you want a mouthful of bloody Chiclets?" (p. 66 A Companion to The Crying of Lot 49, J. Kerry Grant, The University of Georgia Press 1994). The bloody Chiclets refer, of course, to teeth of the person who is being threatened.

Why is it that blowing bubbles in chocolate milk is so much fun? maybe it's because you can make the half-filled glass full of chocolately bubbly goodness. Skim milk is best for bubbles, it frothes the best. but you can't get chocolate skim milk here, so you have to make it yourself. and i always make it extra chocolately. one day i will learn how to spell.

I kind of want to break into Pseudo_intellectual's house, steal one of his possessions and send it back to him as a christmas present, just to see if he really will shit in an envelope.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the


Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an
effort to cut back.
From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.


 Albert, I have a clarinetist friend who can't stand Benny Goodman.
 Aren't people exceedingly odd?

Time to play another game of good idea, bad idea.
Good Idea - playing catch with Grandpa
Bad Idea - playing catch, with Grandpa

I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey...

So let's sink another drink/ 'Cause it'll give me time to think/ If I had a chance, I'd ask one to dance/ And I'll be dancing with myself

what can I say? talk about me. I am a stereotype. I have low self esteem (i scored 36 on the Rosenburg scale). I call myself a writer but I don't write anymore. I am an arts student who is seeking education for education's sake. I can't draw, yet I have created many wax crayon masterpieces. All of my front teeth are fake. I don't clean my bathroom. I am 20. I don't like it. I was supposed to be cool by now.

go somewhere mapless, into the unknown. to launch yourself into fright, to really find things out

my nodeshells: why are you so mean to her? you know she has depression.
Dental Implants
the longest unzipping of my life

"I took advantage of being at the seaside to lay in a store of sucking-stones. They were pebbles but I call them stones. Yes, on this occasion I laid in a considerable store. I distributed them equally among my four pockets, and sucked them turn and turn about. This raised a problem which I first solved in the following way. I had say sixteen stones, four in each of my four pockets these being the two pockets of my trousers and the two pockets of my greatcoat. Taking a stone from the right pocket of my greatcoat, and putting it in my mouth, I replaced it in the right pocket of my greatcoat by a stone from the right pocket of my trousers, which I replased by a stone from the left pocekt of my trousers, which I replaced by a stone from the left pocket of my greatcoat, which I replaced by the stone which was in my mouth, as soon as I had finished sucking it. Thus there were still four stones in each of my four pockets, but not quite the same stones. And when the desire to suck took hold of me again, I drew again on the right pocket of my greatcoat, certain of not taking the same stone as the last time. And while I sucked it I rearranged the other stones in the way I have just described. And so on. But this solution did not satisfy me fully. For it did not escape me that, by an extraordinary hazard, the four stones circulating thus might always be the same four. In which case, far from sucking the sixteen stones turn and turn about, I was really only sucking four, always the same, turn and turn about. But I shuffled them well in my pockets, before I began to suck, and again, while I sucked, before transferring them, in the hope of obtaining a more general circulation of the stones from pocket to pocket. But this was only a makeshift that could not long content a man like me. So I began to look for something else. And the first thing that I hit upon was that I might do better to transfer the stones four by four, instead of one by one, that is to say, during the sucking, to take the three stones remaining in the right pocket of my greatcoat and replace them by the four in the right pocket of my trousers, and these by the four in the left pocket of my trousers, and these by the four in the left pocket of my greatcoat, and finally these by the three from the right pocket of my greatcoat, plus the one, as soon as I had finished sucking it, which was in my mouth. Yes, it seemed to me at first that by doing so I would arrive at a better result. But on further reflection I had to change my mind and confess that the circulation of the stones four by four came to exactly the same thing as their circulation one by one. For if I was certain of finding each time, in the right pocket of my greatcoat, four stones totally different from their immediate predecessors, the possibility nevertheless remained of my always chancing on the same stone, within each group of four, and consequently my sucking, not the sixteen turn and turn about as I wished, but in fact four only, always the same, turn and turn about. So I had to seek elsewhere than in the mode of circulation. For no matter how I caused the stones to circulate, I always ran the same risk. It was obvious that by increasing the number of my pockets I was bound to increase my chances of enjoying my stones in the way I planned, that is to say one after another until their number was exhausted. Had I had eight pockets, for example, instead of the four I did have, then evenb the most diabolical hazard could not have prevented me sucking at least eight of my sixteen stones, turn and turn about. The truth is I should have needed sixteen pockets in order to be quite easy in my mind. And for a long time I could see no other conclusion than this, that short of having sixteen pockets, each with its stone, I could never reach the goal I had set myself, short of an extraordinary hazard. And if at a pitch I could double the number of my pockets, were it only by dividing each pocket in two, with the help of a few safety pins let us say, to quadruple them seemed to be more than I could manage. And I did not feel inclined to take all that trouble for a half-measure. For I was beginning to lose all sense of measure, after all this wrestling and wrangling, and to say, All or nothing. And if I was tempted for an instant to establish a more equitable proportion between my stones and my pockets, by reducing the former to the number of the latter, it was only for an istant. For it would have been an admission of defeat. And sitting on the shore, before the sea, the sixteen stones spread out before my eyes, I gazed at them in anger and perplexity." (Molloy, Beckett, 1955)

good god, sam, try starting a new paragraph once in a while.

------------

from Monty Python's Meaning of Life

Maitre D: And finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint.

Mr Creosote: No.

Maitre D: Oh sir! It's only a tiny little thin one.

Mr Creosote: No. Fuck off - I'm full... (Belches)

Maitre D: Oh sir... it's only *wafer* thin.

Mr Creosote: Look - I couldn't eat another thing. I'm absolutely stuffed. Bugger off.

Maitre D: Oh sir, just... just *one*...

Mr Creosote: Oh all right. Just one.

Maitre D: Just the one, sir... voila... bon appetit...

(Mr Creosote somehow manages to stuff the wafer-thin mint into his mouth and then swallows. The Maitre D takes a flying leap and cowers behind some potted plants. There is an ominous splitting sound. Mr Creosote looks rather helpless and then he explodes, covering waiters, diners, and technicians in a truly horrendous mix of half digested food, entrails and parts of his body. People start vomiting.)

Maitre D: (returns to Mr Creosote's table) Thank you, sir, and now the check.

----

I am only here for the food.

                         OFFICER ALLEN 
          Will he be okay, Doc? 

                         PSYCHOLOGIST 
          The years in spent isolation have not equipped 
          him with the tools necessary to judge right 
          from wrong. He's had no context. He's been 
          completely without guidance. Furthermore his 
          work, the garden sculptures, hair styles, and 
          so forth. Indicate that he's a highly 
          imaginative... 

                         OFFICER ALLEN 
          Character. 

                         PSYCHOLOGIST 
          It seems clear that his awareness of what we 
          call reality is radically underdeveloped. 

                         OFFICER ALLEN 
          But will he be all right out there? 

                         PSYCHOLOGIST 
          Oh, yeah. He'll be fine. 

p.s. i have decided to start mailing random things to random people. if you'd like to be a random person, drop me a line. I might randomly choose you.

so get out/don't just sit there and decompose/go throw on some summer clothes/it's a beautiful day outside/life's passing you by/and there's no way of knowing/no way to know/know/how long it will last

i'm so lonely i could scream

I'm so bored i could rip out my eyes

ahhhh, look at all the lonely people...

If I get drunk well, I'll pass out
On the floor now baby
You won't bother me no more
If you're drinkin' well,
You know that you're my friend and I say
I think I'll have myself a beer

happiness can be found in three simple words. lower your standards.

------------


               An incredible loneliness has settled inside me. 
             I've never felt anything like this before.
                    We've all experienced a cold wind now and then 
             but once or twice in your life you may have known a
             wind over seventy below. It cuts right through you.
             Your clothes feel like they were made of tissue, your
             lips cracking, eyes tearing, lashes instantly
             freezing-pay no mind to the salt. You know you have
             to get out of there fast, get inside, or there's no
             question, you will not last.
                   But where do I go for shelter? What
             internationally recognized haven exists for this kind
             of emptiness? Where is that Youth Hostel? On what
             street?
                  Not here. That's for sure.
                  Maybe I should just drain a glass, load a bong,
             shake hands with the unemployed. Who am I kidding?
             No place can keep me from this. Can't even keep you.
                  And so I sit with myself just listening,
             listening to the creaking floor boards, the hammering
             water pipes, and masked in each breath, syncopated to 
             every heartbeat, the shudders of time itself, there
             all along to accompany my fellow residents as they
             continue to yell, fight and of course scream. I'm
             surrounded. 

                                            - Mark Danielewski, House of Leaves.

happy?

Sit around and watch the tube but, nothings on
Change the channels for an hour of two
Twiddle my thumbs just for a bit
I'm sick of all the same old shit
In a house with unlocked doors
And I'm fucking lazy

Bite my lip and close my eyes
Take me away to paradise
I'm so damn bored I'm going BLIND!!!
And I smell like shit

Peel me off this velcro seat and get me moving
I sure as hell can't do it by myself
I'm feeling like a DOG IN HEAT
Barred indoors from the summer street 
I locked the door to MY OWN CELL
And I lost the key

I GOT NO MOTIVATION
WHERE IS MY MOTIVATION
NO TIME FOR INSPIRATION

Sit around and watch the phone, but no one's calling
Call me pathetic, call me WHAT YOU WILL
My mother says to get a job
But she don't like the one SHE'S got
When masturbation's lost its fun
You're fucking breaking

Bite my lip and close my eyes
Take me away to paradise
I'm so damn BORED
I'm going blind 
And loneliness has to suffice 
Bite my lip and close my eyes
Slipping away to paradise
Some say, "Quit or I'll go BLIND."
But it's just a myth

---

i am a textbook scorpio.

i like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. which is what i do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities

i'm yawning like a kid in a carpet store

too bad dark languages rarely survive

send things to :
Ms. Ashley
283 EAST 45TH AVE
VANCOUVER BC V5W 1X2
CANADA
the creepier the better.