Upon reading the articles under the heading Bovine Selective Visual Impairment I was confronted with several questions in my own mind. Now, being one to never leave a good (or even bad) question unmolested, I went in search of answers.
Most of my searches for knowledge or information find me turning to my good friend Google. Google and I have an ongoing relationship that has endured longer than at least 2 of my marriages, and with far more satisfactory results. I've never had Google turn me down for requests that I considered reasonable, or fix me with an icy stare. In fairness I must add however that I've made few requests of Google of a conjugal nature. Google is my friend, and like any good friend is only too happy to comply with my simple requests.
A multi-layered problem
Looking into the nature of BSVI reveals that the disorder is not a simple one but part of a complex array of allied presentations. Sufferers of this disorder have been noted to possess the inability to view bovines, associated products, and artwork and/or graphic representations of the aforementioned quadrupeds. In the most severe case I was able to research a victim of the disorder couldn't even bring himself to ask the eternal question "Who cut the cheese?" The question to that individual simply dangled off into a vaguely smelly nothingness.
Other persons saddled with this peculiar inability find difficulty shopping for certain brands of desktop computers which are usually packaged in a characteristic black and white patterned corrugated container. If that were the only problem it would be quite innocuous, but sufferers have been known to stumble over unseen boxes containing these electronic devices. Several have required visits to emergency rooms for treatment as a result. Treatment of these individuals has resulted in a backlash from the undocumented alien or 'guest worker' population found at any hospital emergency room. The situation is exacerbated by the inability to speak Spanish shown by the majority of BSVI patients. Grants are being offered by the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) to investigate whether this linguistic failing is in fact part of the entire BSVI complex. Until answers are found the gridlock seems unbreakable. Many hospital emergency departments are advising patients to schedule their accidents at least 6 weeks in advance of anticipated need for services.
The BSVI problem extends throughout society. It not only presents a medical and safety issue but extends into the body politic as well. It is well realized that the President is a lame duck. Both major US political parties have the opportunity to pursue the presidency without the built in advantage (or disadvantage)of running against an incumbent.
The Democratic front runner has been generally regarded to be Hillary Clinton. Imagine her frustration at finding that many potential voters cannot see her in the televised debates, campaign ads, and similar visual aids to her campaign. To make matters even worse for her, endorsements by Rosie O'Donnell, Maya Angelou, and (strangely enough) Barney Frank are totally invisible to the BSVI afflicted.
Senator Clinton has recently introduced emergency funding legislation to be made available through the Department of Health and Human Services to find a solution to the malady. Sadly, and especially in light of her heroic efforts to help BSVI afflicted persons, the funding has been bottled up in committee by fellow Senator Edward Kennedy, who has never had any problem seeing cows or alcohol. Ted Kennedy has stonewalled the funding unless agreement is reached regarding funding for highway improvements, including a series of large rubber bumpers to be installed on the bridge to Chappaquiddick Island in his own state of Massachusetts.
Call to action!
My research has turned into a harrowing quest, a gaze into the face of a pandemic of historic proportions. Initially I was prepared to laugh the whole matter off as scare mongering by a special interest group seeking funding for their pet cause. That is not the case. I have found that BSVI could be no less than the end of democratic government in the western hemisphere. If left to its inevitable and frightening conclusion, in half a century the only vestiges of democracy could exist in certain backwater areas such as Iraq, Iran, and possibly France.
I would like to enlist each of you in an effort to move our legislators to act immediately to stop this malady before it brings an end to western society. Only with your concerted help can we hope to evade certain destruction. Let your representatives know in vivid detail that now is the time for us all to have free and unfettered access to cows!