Bitchin’fast!3D 2000 was a fake video card published in the glitch section of Maximum PC magazine in the September 99 issue, on page 112. The fake ad was written by Jon Phillips.

The fake add claimed that the card had all 5 of the day’s top video chips, including TNT2, G400, Rage128, Voodoo3, and Savage4. The card also contained 256MB of curiously high-bandwidth LMNOPRAM. The card is the official beta board for Quake XI: Murder Simulator, Quake XII: The rage of Timmy Master, and Quake XIII: It’s Hammer Time.

The picture in the ad shows a very long PCI card with five large chips labeled as the five accelerators, and 64 of smaller chips that look like ram. This means that each small RAM chip contained 4 MB of Ram. The thing that bothered me about the card was that it was PCI. The card's three competitors(Oscar-Meyer 3dFrenzy, Bausch & Lomb 3D Weltenshuang, and Frobischer & Gleason 3D-Flavored Ice Lolly) in the ad where AGP.

The card’s catch phrase was “Livin’la Video Loca can Puerta Para Graficas, Aceleradas, Gigante!” On the bottom of the page it said “Video Loca is fully owned subsidiary of Apple Computers. Bitchin’fast!3D2000 supports neither OpenGl nor Direct3D, nor does it fit in any case known to man.”

PS. The September and May 99 issues of Maximum PC have tag lines “PC’s that don’t wimp out” and “extreme home computing” respectively. The other 36 issues of Maximum PC, in my possession, all have tag line “Minimum BS.”

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