It was early morning in Lord Sphinxbutt's Tower. The part of the Earth visible through the office window was still sleeping as daylight hadn't arrived there yet.
Hmm. Much better.
It wasn't easy being evil. Still, he took great pride in his work and he enjoyed it immensely. The black cape, the deep voice, the dramatic entrances. And of course, the standard issue Evil Cat™, which sat beside Lord Sphinxbutt as he practiced his speech.
"I'd say that was purrr-fect for our broadcast this afternoon, wouldn't you?"
"The evil laughter was OK, the 'purrr-fect' thing... Was predictable."
He'd always thought he'd gotten a bit of a raw deal with the talking cat. Sure, it was unusual. And he was complicitous enough, as evil sidekicks go. It's just that the sarcasm annoyed him sometimes.
"No matter! Today will be a good day. My technicians have finished the Binary Oppoisitotron, and with it I will Take Over The World!"
"... Have you finished? You know, Lunacy is perhaps the wrong term, living as we do, on the Moon. Nevertheless, you my friend are a lunatic."
"And you, my furry sidekick, are nothing but an embittered ex-circus attraction. What do you know about being an Evil Lord? You call yourself an Evil Cat but you won't even change your name..."
"You're not so evil yourself you know. Your last Evil Scheme was funny, I'll grant you that, but not really evil. And besides, I like my name. Fwuffy sounds Evil to me. It's just a matter of interpretation."
Lord Sphinxbutt paused for a second to consider the backhanded compliment. He was actually quite proud of his whole "Sell Soy to Earthlings and See If They Eat It" plan. Come to think of it, it WAS pretty funny and they fell for it so easily.
"Heh... But you don't understand- They're actually eating soy down there! MMWuhahaha-haaaa!"
But he knew, deep down, that the cat was right. No amount of enthusiasm could hide the fact that actually, he wasn't very good at being evil.
"Look, I enjoy what I do. The results aren't important. It's all about quality."
"Ha! You read that in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, didn't you? Admit it!"
He turned quickly to face the door to get the maximum visual effect from his black cape.
"We have wasted enough time. To the lab!"
You had to admit, the Lab appeared to have everything an evil lab required. It had been zealously decorated with all kinds of evil-looking apparatus. Rows of benches containted hundreds of test tubes filled with Green bubbling liquid. Of course, Fwuffy would no doubt point out that boiling E142 in sparkling spring water doesn't serve any scientific purpose, evil or otherwise.
Sphinxbutt stood before the lab's double doors for a second before charging through them in the most dramatic way he could manage.
The head technician hurriedly tried to conceal the uneaten pizza that sat beside a drinking glass filled with the harmless green water before turning around.
"Is the device ready?"
"Yes sir, the final test report has just finished printing and everything is in place."
"Excellent. Let the testing begin, for this afternoon I must address the people of Earth."
It wasn't really an impressive looking device at first sight. Large enough to look imposing, it certainly had exquisite detail in the form of massive over-complexity. Where a single wire would do the job, ten wires of varying lengths were used. Were one cooling pipe would suffice, three were used along with heat sinks and extractor fans. However, it wasn't coordinated. It looked like the random collection of electronic devices that it was. He would have to go to the DIY store and pick up some silver and black paint before he went on air and threatened a planet with it.
The technician pressed the open button on the door labelled 'Source'. A refrigerator lamp lit up inside the device, though clearly it wasn't quite up to the job of illuminating a space large enough for a man to stand upright in.
Sphinxbutt began to get excited. "Prepare test subject Alpha!"
A trainee technician picked up a freshly made cup of tea, placed it inside the device and closed the door. He then picked up his own glass of green liquid and took a sip.
Sphinxbutt turned to face the trainee, his face glowing scarlet.
"WHAT.. Did I.. Tell you.. About.. Drinking.. The green fluid?!"
"Sorry Sir. You said it was un-pro-fess-io-nal Sir."
"AND WHAT do you think visitors would think if they saw you drinking the Evil Green Liquid?"
He shuffled his feet and put the glass down
"They... Might think that maybe it wasn't all that evil after all, Sir."
"That's right. THEN they might think that maybe I'M not all that evil either. THEN where would we be?"
The technician had no answer, but Fwuffy wouldn't let the opportunity pass- "We would be here. Now. Nobody thinks you're Evil."
"Don't push me, cat. I am an Evil Lord and soon I will Rule The World! Now, begin the test!"
Fwuffy rolled around on the floor laughing.
The technician pulled the activation lever, which Sphinxbutt noticed was reassuringly large and important looking. The noise from the 'source' side of the device was not unlike that of a microwave oven, which probably explained where the glass turntable in that side of the device came from.
The destination side was far more interesting. It sparked and crackled like an Evil Device should, emitting a bright blue glow around the edge of the solid metal door.
Thirty seconds passed, and the 'completion' gauge on the front of the device displayed 100% although clearly it's work was not yet done. Another ten seconds later, the microwave-like source side went "Ding!" and the destination side fell silent as it's door began to slide open.
The head technician removed the object from the device and placed it on the bench.
"Erm. First analysis would indicate that... It's a glass of coffee sir."
"MMWuhahaha-haaaa! IT WORKS!"
"Truly you are the Evil Master of the Universe", Fluffy observed.
Sphinxbutt pulled a gun from beneath his cape and glared at Fwuffy - "SILENCE! Or you will feel my wraith!"
"Erm. Is it my imagination or did you just shoot me with a Nerf gun? And besides, it's wrath. Feel my wrath."
"For (boink!) fuck's sake, (boink!) DO SOMETHING EVIL! (boink!)", fwuffy added inbetween nerf-shots.
"Very well. I will. Technican, insert test subject Beta."
"Erm, no I didn't necessarily mean, right now...", fwuffy mumbled as the technician carried him to the source side of the device.
Again, ten seconds after the device claimed to have finished, the destination door slid open, and a small cute puppy emerged, bearing the name-tag "Lucifer"
The trainee bent down to touch the puppy but a few nerf-shots made him reconsider.
"MMWuhahaha-haaaa! Truly, chaos will reign and I will rule the world! Goverments will become useful. Presidents will become honest. McDonalds Value Meals will become healthy and good value! "
The puppy shook his head
"Change him back, but keep the name tag. He will want to keep it as a souvenir"
With that, Sphinxbutt made his way back to the office to finish his speech.