and I are in Barcelona
, and during our travels through the city, we've noticed an inordinate amount of little children
, ranging in age from newborns
to pre-schoolers. Not only do these children range in age, but they also range in cuteness. Not all babies are cute, though, therefore David and I have devised a system whereupon a child can be given a rank, based upon age and relative cuteness. The process is as follows:
- How old is the child in question?
Take the child's approximated age and subtract it from 10. This will give you the base number. This particular test only applies to children five and under, or else their base number will be to low for them ever to redeem themselves.
- Is the child screaming or whinning?
This is never a cute thing for a kid to do. Subtract points in relation to the volume and duration of these outburts.
- Is this child making any noise whatsoever?
Everyone likes a quiet child. Add two points for absolute silence. Keep in mind, some noises have a high cuteness factor. Examples of cute noises: a baby attempting to say ''mama'', a small child murmuring softly to herself while playing quietly, and a baby gurgling. Not cute noises: ''GIMME
GIMME GIMME!'', ''MINE MINE MINE!'', and just any general harassing of parents, siblings, and/or innocent bystanders.
There is only a short period in a persons life where being a bit pudgy is considered cute. Since this period generally ends around 5, let them enjoy it while they can. Give extra points for that cute layer of baby fat! I'm not suggesting that the infant should be morbidly obese (a la my nephew Sam, who was so heavy as a child that passerbys would stop and stare. This was not a result of nature, but rather of an overindulgent mother who almost smothered her son with sweets).
Does this baby have hair? Add some points for baldness. Does this baby have incredibly thin hair? As long as it fits the head, add some more points. Thin hair with bows or headbands can add at least a point or two. Does this baby have curls galore? Add some more points. The only way a baby can really lose points in this section is if the baby has such a full head of hair that it can barely hold its own head up. Especially if it is knotted and icky.
In the immortal words of David - ''Big eyes
on skinny faces - good. Big eyes on chubby faces - bad.''
If this baby is making terrifically futile attempts to walk, give it points. If he or she falls on her little rear end, give her extra points, especially if he or she starts giggling. If the baby bursts into tears, subtract.
Give or subtract points at your discresion. Maybe the child is doing something incredibly adorable. Give 'em points. Maybe the child is becoming so annoying and obnoxious that you could just smack 'em. Down vote them into oblivion.