Today is:

New style (Gregorian): 9 August 2000
Old style (Julian): 27 July 2000 C.E.
Fixed:
730341 R.D.
Astronomical (at noon):
2451766 j.d.
ISO:
Wednesday, Week 32, Year 2000
Coptic:
3 Misra 1716 A.M.
Ethiopic:
3 Nahase 1992 E.E.
Islamic (until sunset):
8 Jumada I 1421 A.H.
Persian:
19 Mordad 1379 A.P.
Baha'i (until sunset):
Asm'a'  Kam'al, B'ab of V'ahid 9, Kull-i-Shay 1 B.E.
Hebrew (until sunset):
8 Av 5760 A.M.
Chinese:
cycle 78, year Geng-chen, month 7, day 10
Hindu Lunar (from sunrise):
10 Sravana 2057 V.E.
Hindu Solar (from sunrise):
24 Karka 1922 S.E.
French:
Decade III, Duodi de Thermidor de l'Annee 208 de la Revolution
Mayan (long count):
12.19.7.8.8

Everything Day Logs
Yesterday | Tomorrow

Everything Snapshot

Time: Wed, 9 Aug 2000 00:02:58 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) Debian/GNU mod_perl/1.21_03-dev
Number of nodes: 644330 (1471 new since August 8, 2000)
Number of users: 17676 (56 new since August 8, 2000)
Number of links: 2853338 (27734 new since August 8, 2000)

Node to user ratio: 36.452 nodes per user
Link to node ratio: 4.428 links per node
Link to user ratio: 161.424 links per user

New Nodes: [Killing A Vampire: A Cross-Cultural Survey of Methodology] [When Will Linux be a Good Gaming Platform?] [Size Matters Not] [Dream Log: July 18, 2000] [tv is a drug] [the worst feeling in the world] [YOU CANT FIGHT EVIL WITH A MACARONI DUCK!] [E2 nuke request] [When Will Linux be a Good Gaming Platform?] [odd characters: The Boy Who Cried Censorship] [Kraft Macaroni & Cheese] [Koko] [odd characters: movie expert] [why can't I express myself?] [Isotherm]

Users Online (47): [tregoweth] [Deborah909] [knifegirl] [Jet-Poop] [Uberfetus] [hatless] [coffy] [Electricsound] [Kit Lo] [Soberty] [MasterYoshi] [gnarl] [robwicks] [transform] [trega] [Jeeves] [NaNaKat] [proj2501] [SB5] [Zorin] [briiiiian] [id1984] [ScottMan] [skid] [no comply] [stand/alone/bitch] [Gorgonzola] [Sudderth] [urbanmisfit] [StopTheViolins] [Doremus] [WickerNipple] [Kailen] [RST] [jes04] [ferrouslepidoptera] [chrisjh] [Azound] [swifticus] [blukens] [heckley] [876] [Nobody Beats The Wiz] [dakkar] [morgandorf] [Jeff Duntemann]

JeffMagnus node count: 4020 (1 new since August 8, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience: 9285 (8 more since August 8, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 2.310 XP per node
JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.624%
JeffMagnus node of the day: The 106th Congress

I've got a lot to say, but little time to say it in, I fear; I've ingested a Badwich (it be bad!) and two Sominex, so I must say, I'm not long for this world.

Good news! I can finally node naked! And, boy, does it feel good. You see, I just dived for a Sega Dreamcast Keyboard. And, for the first time in my life, I can reach the web from home. That's right, boys and girls, the entirety of my nodal output (all six-hundred-and-twenty-odd ones of them) have been noded from work or collge computer labs. Of course, the Dreamcast if far from the perfect noding mechanism; the old TV I own tends to fuzz out letters, eliminating the differeces between, say, an 'f' and a 't', or an 'm' and an 'n'. But if p_i can become a Godhead by using an old scrounged-up terminal running Lynx, then I can certainly use this plastic technological marvel before me.

By the way, it's impossible to use the chatterbox on a Dreamcast. Pity.

It's tomorrow. I'll update there.

Yikes! This was one of those days, I guess.

Just spent over three hours looking for a bug in a MySQL backend I'm writing for the new Per User IP Accounting package. Please forgive me if this is getting too technical... Anyway all of a sudden the darn thing started to crash with SIGSEGV's, and upon closer inspection it turned out that some entries of the hash that I created earlier got overwritten with garbage whenever I did a calloc or a malloc.

My first hint was that the garbage wasn't so random as I thought, it seemed to contain pointers. Hmmm. After what seemed like a hell of a long time - and I can't smoke at work :( - it hit me full in the frontside of the brain: I was freeing pointers that weren't supposed to be free'd. Go figure!

Moral of the story: know what you're doing with your pointers, and go to bed when you're tired! :)

Anyways, it's 4 am in Belgium right now, so I'm going to hit the sack.

Wonder what the rest of the day will bring...


Well, you might've guessed it but I overslept today, so I arrived late at work. This isn't that much of a problem because I'm one of the owners of the place. Talk about irresponsible management and proletarian extortion...

Did manage to get a lot of work done, so I guess all's well that ends well. See you tomorrow, I gotta go: it's food time!
The day entailed many strange things.

Had to meet with a customer today. Of course, I wasn't hired to EVER have to deal with the public (thank you, most of our customers don't even know what typography/graphic design is, let alone how much of it is done on their books). However, because one of our key book people quit a couple of weeks ago, I suddenly get to pick up all of her projects and clients, as well as my own.

Sad thing is, I really liked her and I understand why she quit. So I can't even hate her. Bitch ...

I have a final tomorrow. Gotta love summer school. However, if by taking this one class, I can get out of college one semester early (three left ...), then I guess its worth the blood, sweat and tears that I put into it. Ok, so there wasn't much of any of those. Actually, I haven't quite read the material yet. But, not to fear ... I'm remarkably good at pulling essays out of my ass and getting an "A" in a class that I never studied for. Thank God for a fairly photographic memory.

After studying at the park for a bit, I ran home today to call Circut City and find out if they had fixed my damn phone, as well as to call Safeco to try to arrange the estimate guy to come out to check up on my car. When I get here, my roommate has flaked on meeting the cable guy who was hooking us up today (digital cable ... ahhhh ... and I don't even really watch TV. The music channels are pretty cool, though).

So, I am talking to Safeco, directing the cable guy, talking to Circut City, contesting a charge on our phone bill, and then studying. This was, more or less, all at the same time (well, the Circut City, Safeco, and phone company calls were a series of calls).

Then, the cable guy asks if he can call me sometime ...

Who lives like this?

I was sitting by myself one afternoon on my lunch break and paused to contemplate. I've always felt this deep sense of loneliness.. but why? As I took another bite out of my sandwich, it hit me. No, not the ultimate answer to all of life's questions. A French Fry. I turned around and rolled my eyes at the child who was launching food items at me.

I went back to thinking, and I realized: Maybe I'm just a loner.. I've never really depended on other people. I've always preferred to do stuff by myself rather than with the help/hinderance of others. Who needs them? That feeling of complete emptiness rushed over me again. I do...

Sometimes the desire to change your personality can be overwhelming. Your mind is overflowing with various what ifs. Do I really want this? What great people am I missing the opportunity to get to know? Is this how I'm going to spend the rest of my life? Will I die alone?

The musings of such things during lunch hour are inappropriate, however. I'll take some time to think about it later. But, for now It's the loner's life for me..

Good morning...

Today, I'm back in Oulu!

As the first thing today, I moved Linux entirely on my second 6.5 gig hard drive (/dev/hdb) so I'll just move that baby to the new machine. Yes, it involved nuking a half-gig Win95 partition from the said drive. No, I didn't make any backups 'cuz my home directory takes up 1.2 gigs and my Jaz can only take 1.0. Me tough guy. Me brutal. Grrr. Well, it works. =)

12:11: Well, the damned thing works... X11 fired up fine... in 1024x768x16bpp mode! (Insert naughty word here!) With some "rain" too and flickering when scrolling... I hope I'll get the accelerated server working properly.

Horrible headache. And I'm so yiffy I could explode. *gruntle* But you don't want to know details like that, right?

Gotta set up the BIOS to recognise the other port - I need to make the graphics tablet to work...

Oh yeah: it took almost half an hour to unscrew the last screw of the first HD on the new computer. Installation of second hard disk involved removal of processor module because some bonehead at the Works had not apparently thought of benefits of having a hole on the front side of the machine...

17:39: X11 now works at 1280x1024x16bpp, with only slight "snow" when I move the windows around. GoodEnoughForMe™. Half-Life runs like a dream. I also installed Counter Strike for it but didn't play it yet. Got the tablet configured. Cool. Compiled kernel, too. Sound isn't responding yet (DAMN!) but I noticed the kernel I compiled was 2.2.14 so I'll recompile it soon anyway =)

21:57: I spent some good time writing a webcam program. bttvgrab and some mod_perl crap - it's easy to make a webcam that doesn't just dumbly update its picture all the time - my hack refreshes image when request comes. Learned some wonderful secrets about Apache::Log, too.


Other day logs o' mine...

Yesterday | Dizzy->Day_Logs() | Tomorrow


8:15 BST

I'm a sucker for punishment

I still can't hear much due to blocked ears/infected/inflamed ear canals. This is going to be an interesting day.

My novitiate into The Order of the Rackmount continues today; I will be building 2 racks full of TV/broadcast equipment, ready to be shipped to Amsterdam for a trade show.

13:10 BST

How is it possible to paint and polish two racks yet leave the tops covered in dirt?

I want to know who designed those Cage Nuts that go in racks. I want to feed every single cage nut in the world to this person, one by one. I don't understand how something so small can ping so far across the lab when you try to remove it.


The neverending daylog!

12:17 EET

Looks like it's going to be a workday dedicated to noding. My client is having an internal meeting on the project, which means I just have to sit around and wait for the judgement.
Well, I seem to be lucky today. I was just cursing on forgetting to grab any snacks to work, and found a chocolate bar I bought yesterday and forgot in my backpack. It's not a luxurious banquet by any means, but a lot better than nothing.

Great! If my measuring is correct, a 19" Samsung monitor (900SL+) can just barely fit a new into my desk/shelf/cabinet-system at home. I couldn't really afford one, but I have no choice with my current screen approaching the end of its road. Too bad a new TV is really away from my financial reach, since I wouldn't go with anything less than a nice-sized 100Hz widescreen television. The money is even not the only issue, that kind of monster would need a reasonable amount of space, which I don't possess.

Ok, although I don't have any work to speak of today, I should go easy on the noding. Last night I started feeling the symptoms of an E2 Overdose already. Apparently I haven't built much tolerance for this drug yet.


14:32 EET

Speaking of last night, I made an another attempt at producing "piripolkka" for my friend. It came a bit closer, but I still don't feel "at home" creating that kind of material. I have to play a raw version of the track to my friend to see if it's anything like what he is looking for.

What's going on with my neck? It has felt welded shut all day. I should get a new pillow or try to change my typical sleeping position. Or could it be I just sit in front of a computer too much? No, impossible..
The company should hire a pretty secretary with above-average massaging skills. Yes, that would be something.

Wow, apparently I'm not the only one thinking there is something wrong with the day log upvote dumping (see my entry yesterday). While I still feel quilty for getting the same reputation for boring and uninteresting entries than I do with the noteworthy ones (if there are any). But still, dumping by upvoting is better than downvoting us all.
Come to think of it, maybe all these entries somehow deserve the votes? At least I myself enjoy reading everybody's thoughts and accounts of daily events, even those which aren't earthshattering. Still, pure mindless dumping isn't good. At least I'm balancing out the books by spewing out tons of synth nodes which never get more than +1.
Blah, this is the last you'll hear from me on the subject. What use is there to whine for this? Haven't I got anything better to do? (ok, let's not go there)
Vote what you like, how you like and for what reasons you think it's appropriate.
It's not all about the XP anyway, you know.


Today's Writeups
Korg Lambda ES-50 | Korg MaxiKorg 800dv | Korg M500 Micro-Preset


Record of the Day
Gas - Köningsforst
One of the best albums from 1999.

Snapshot? Cooled? Huh?

Was listening to BBC Radio 4 on the drive to work today. Suddenly I feel more aware of my world an 10 times more informed. It may not play any music, but Radio 4 rocks for in-depth news.

So, University project going well. Some cool automatic testing stuff. Now I just need a good writeup. 4 keeks to go. My Degree is in Computer Science, and although I have a job lined up regardless of the result, I would be happier to do well.

It seems that my monitor as reported yesterday was playing a cruel trick on me for nefarious purposes of getting me to go to bed early.

Needless to say, that wasn't the end result of its non-functionality, as I instead found myself drawn to the dumb terminal to read up on the 20 worst nintendo games ever made (despite never having owned such a system) until my eyes could no longer focus on the amber blur and remained in bed, despondant at my lack of computage-ability, until approximately noon, whereupon I awoke, took a spiteful swat at the dysfunctional screen, thought it was worth giving another go, and it went.

Problems that go away by themselves come back by themselves, but I like the notion of a bit of randomness in my life. The free will pill is a bit easier to swallow if I can project its effects on to inanimate objects as well as merely-mostly-inanimate ones like myself. I don't feel like shooting electrons today - lemme alone!

To further the change of pace, I squirmed out of tonight's Living Closet meeting to help a new friend mount an effort attacking a massive mailout and was presented with a vaguely disarming spectacle: a picture of myself in crayon on the wall in a place I'd never been before. With a bit of prodding the hamster started running in its wheel and I figured out the context behind the text (that is, the source of drawing) though its motivation remains unclear at best.

That was complemented well with my whim on the way home to stop at my favorite diner the Templeton for a nice cool 11 pm apple milkshake to restore my body into the shape it had been before the post-mailout DDR orgy. As I poked my head in the door and asked if it would be open long enough for the consumption of such (negligible - I suck them down almost faster than they're prepared, brain freeze be damned!) the waitress asked me how the poetry was going. Aroo? It turns out that she'd seen me a couple weeks previously performing possibly my best set all year at the new venue (the Brickhouse) that opened mere blocks from my house. It's so easy to assume that no one's listening while you're up on stage, but this is terrifying proof to the contrary.

Pair the recollection (to be fair, in my median couture, I am rarely forgotten) with the discovery of the crayon drawing of me and we have proof that the notion of me is out there in the popular consciousness! Read the part past "The performance persona and paradigm" to see just how I feel about being a successful meme and as my closing words on my history of crushes suggest, this is re-introducing me to interesting and dangerous places, both mentally and hopefully physically.

Just finished don marquis' archy and mehitabel; was so delighted by it that I have entered into a compact with Quizro to node it in its entirety. Apparently Doubleday is still defending its copyright, but given that most of the individual poems are ~85 years old, we reserve the right to not respect it. Now reading: (picked up while in an inport / foreign-language bookstore with ex-roommate thext in town for a week as a summer surprise) Japanese Death Poems: Written by Zen Monks and Haiku Poets on the Verge of Death. I am more than willing to read anything they had to say. Also got the opportunity to advise thext on purchases: got him interested in some Patrick Suskind and on my word he bought a copy of Camus' La Peste.

Am slowly furthering the art of communicating with Maxwell through the application of a slide whistle.

    toot too-oot

    cheep chirp!

    TEE-oot too-EET!

    chip ip ip eep!

Not only which, I can perform solos from Groove is in the Heart for any and all interested parties.

Sleep now! (wave hand at own face and slump on desk with a satisfying thwack!) The upcoming day holds for me: catching up at philomosophamaphy in class (we should be on Locke by now, but who knows how far we've diverged from the schedule), figuring out what happened to my spokes at the bike shop, meeting up for a last conversation with a end-of-only-week-in-town-all-year friend, getting my ass down to the grand finale of the Symphony of Fire fireworks and hopefully taking a dip in a friend's pool at the end of it all.

Everyone will no doubt remain flabbergasted by how much I make out of such a paucity of real and significant events. I suppose I must have an extremely busy internal life which I feel strangely compelled to share once in a while.

Despite which, I shall not resume the inclusion of Everything Observations! No comments as to what flotsam has washed up next to what piece of jetsam; no remarks on Ching!s, votes or totals of how much over what value, because even if those might be statistically compelling, I have only so much headspace, and I prefer to save it for things that I might touch. No, scratch that; for things that might touch me. Individual writeups and anthologies of noders definitely have that ability, but numbers and even collections of numbers exist independent of my observation, and my assigning significance to them does not make more of them; it makes less of me.

Betcha didn't realize you could fit so much in the span between a hand-wave and its accompanying thwack, didja? I think fast, man. It's so fast, fuck man, you couldn't pick it up, man.

Talk about fast - this has acquired a three reputation in the time it took me to integrate my soft-links. There are only 20 of you online right now, even! This flagrant and, dare I say, copious expenditure of votes on day log entries disturbs me profoundly; a recent non-noteworthy day log entry of mine topped out at over 30 reputation. We must stop this insanity! What, reputation 6 now? What, are you going to upvote me until I go away? I can't tolerate people being nice to me, so you never know, it just might work. If good things keep happening to me, I'll die!

Goddamnit, which one of you motherfuckers chinged this? After I get up in the morning I'll kill ya! I'll tear your arms off and beat you to death with them! First I will look you up in the Cool Archive. And then... well, we'll just say they'll be calling you "Stumpy" from then on. Not that you'll be around to be called such a diminutive nickname for long...

Sweet christing potato! A user named "Stumpy" already exists!... and I'm reasonably sure he's not the one who chinged me. Howabout we just call you "Limbless Bleeding Mess of Wasted Humanflesh Soon To Be Wormfood"? Nice and terse, just how I like it...

GROWL

in our last episode... | p_i-logs | and then, all of a sudden...

next daylog

Christ, I'm too old to start writing a diary. Everyday I sit and think: I've really got to start keeping a log. I'm starting to forget some of my life, and it's scary. I am only 25. What will it be like when I'm 60? Will I remember any of this?
And this is not really a good place to keep a private diary. Anyone can read it. But screw it. I don't care.

I woke up this morning next to my girlfriend. We've broken up and gotten back together so many times I feel like a china cup that you don't want to get rid of because it is (was?) so beautiful, but is already more glue than china. Goddamn it, why are realtionships so hard? And should they be? I remember the beginning. I was so in love I sometimes had trouble breathing. And now it's gotten to be so difficult. Love and needs and differences and misunderstandings. And routine? Is that what we'd gotten into?

I just thought about what would happen if she read this. Or if we break up and my next girlfriend read this. What would I do if I stumbled upon something my girlfriend wrote about a love of hers a while back? I think I would go nuts.

Too much emotion. I feel like it's tearing me up. It's difficult to do the things I have to. What I wouldn't give for a boring life right now. I haven't been bored in far too long.

Then again, if I was dead inside, I guess I would think "What I wouldn't give for excitement", even if it meant feeling shitty.

Is that all we are? Always wanting to be where we're not? Never satisfied? Or at least never satisfied for long?

"Life is pain, highness, anyone who says differently is selling something."

- The Dread Pirate Roberts, The Princess Bride

I arrived back at work today to find that I'd been moved next to teacher!

Yes, during my two week absence from work, a strategic re-shuffle of the office has found me situated between my two immediate bosses in the 'no-fun' zone.

The reason for the move has been passed off as nothing more than 'for a bit of a change'. I happen to suspect however that my 'couldn't really care less' attitude may have something to do with it.

The thing is that I work as an advertising rate negotiator for a popular daily broadsheet in the UK (the one not owned by Rupert Murdoch) and I really hate it!. Fortunately (or unfortunately whichever way you look at it) I happen to be rather good at the job and the fact that I get my work done with consumate ease and minimum effort so there is no reason to get rid of me. Unfortunately, I am unable to look interested in any way in what I do and however hard I try I cannot muster the enthusiasm that is expected of me at all times.

This is why I now find myself in this particularly gruesome 'triangular crossfire' of upper and middle management - with the express intention of demoralising me to the extent that I either;

a) Somehow become the worlds most enthusiastic 'team player' the world has ever seen

b) Resign, a broken man.

Furthermore, the office move has positioned me too far away from any of the PC's for me to node as frequently as I'd like (yes, even though my company makes over $1 Billion a year, we are still rationed to one PC per four workers!!!!!!!).

To pour salt into the wound already inflicted by having to come back to work after a two week absence I awoke to find that my suit trousers are feeling a little more snug than I'd like after my 2 week booze and fast-food sabbatical, occasioning me to drive to work with my troos undone and belt unbuckled feeling like the fattest man alive.

Add to this, the tearful departure at Heathrow airport between myself and my best friend and former SO who has flown to the other side of the world for a rather longer sabbatical, it all makes for a very glum young lioncub.

Well another day, and I'm still alive... for now.


Well I had the little talk with Paul yesterday, see August 8, 2000. I asked him point blank if he was sleeping with my ex, granted it's no longer my business, but I still have feelings for the girl. He said, "Yes, but sleep is the keyword here." I replied, "The keyword here is betrayal!" maybe I was shouting a little bit, but I didn't care. He just sorta tucked his head, I kinda gave a little sob to the part I had to tell him next, my parents had asked that he NEVER come back to visit them again, and he used to get along very well with them. I scared him, I made him feel really sleezy, and for some reason it just felt good.

As for Stephanie, I don't know. She ignored us the entire time, like we weren't even there. That shit really hurts, more than any weapon ever could.

I got all of my stuff moved out last night and into my new house, in this retirement neighborhood. I got my cat JarJar Binks, all of my computers, and DVD/VCR/TV setup. anm with his wife, as well as my parents helped me get it all out as fast as we could.

Once it was all said and done I proceeded to drink myself silly, and I succeeded.

The Gazelle's Diary

My day in Bridget Jones style numbers:

No. of visits to the fat and spot inducing chocolate / crisp vending machine: 2 (below average)

No. of trips to the body-purifying water cooler: 0 (average)

No of sightings of The Whores (0 as yet, but they don't open until mid-morning, and I've been at work)

No. of fake expense reports submitted: 0 (official statistic)

No. of management eyes watching my every move: 2 (half the usual number)

No. of nodes completed: 3 (above average - see management statistic)

No. of fags smoked: 3 (1 as reward for each node)

No. of offers received to turn The Gazelle's Diary into a film starring Hugh Grant as a posh-yet-endearing Englishman who gets the girl in the end: 0 (Disappointing)

No. of nodes written in reply to my Stop this mobile phone "amusing" novelty ring madness node while I was typing this: 2 (impressive)

Factgirl's fact of the day:

Count Alassandro Volta invented the battery in 1800 right? Perhaps not...

There are a group of little jars in Khujut Rabu, just outside Baghdad, each about the size of a grapefruit. The jars date back about 2,000 years and consist of an earthenware shell, with a stopper composed of asphalt. Sticking through the top of the stopper is an iron rod. Inside the jar the rod is surrounded by a cylinder of copper. When filled with an electrolyte like grape juice they produce about two volts of electricity - just enough to electroplate jewelry.

Scientists are beginning to test jewelry of that time to see if some of the metals thought to be pure gold are really gold plated silver.

-it's a fact

Encyclopedia of the Unexplained - Richard Cavendish (ed)

I saw Zack again. He works at this tattoo parlor I make a point to pass on my way to buy cigarettes every evening. Actually, the parlor isn't on the way at all, but I figure that is the only way I get to see him. He and his wife Angie have set themselves apart from our shared social circle for a while now, for reasons I do not understand. And so now there is a respecting of the bounderies that have been set on one side.

I could never talk to Zack much even when we were in the same social circle, since he is married and I am not. It's a respect thing in general, but I'm sure I kept the barrier taut because I was also attracted to him. Angie had become, briefly, one of my closest female friends before she had estranged herself from Zack's family and most of their mutual friends.

There are remnants. Zack and Angie bought my old car and I still see it zooming around from time to time. The rings I wear every day were bought from Angie's curio shop. One of my favorite pairs of shoes were bought by Angie for my last birthday, almost a year ago now. There are two crystals strung on copper wire that hang outside my door that Angie made for me in a creative burst.

I guess that's the same for every failed friendship, bits and pieces get left behind, or you keep them for reasons that only make sense to you in conversation. And while they are over, I can't seem to stop reflecting on them, can't stop returning to them at a loss as to what to say. And yet I still try to talk it out; I can't seem to shut up about it.

Argh!. Two PMs (Project Managers) send email resignation, at almost same time. Deep shit. Boss placated. Me, left having to get them both satisfied. :-(

You gained experience!
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got in two flame wars on e2

Hi, kenata! Hi eclip5e!

I was, of course, silenced by the borg

Last night became rather bitchy due to feelings of being ignored by the SO. But it was actually more of a manifestation of premature separation anxiety and just the desire to be with her.

oh well.... it's over.

Have completely sluffed off at work today; the manager is spending his time worrying about problems that aren't that important, and all of my documentation and code is written. I am productive, to the extent that I can afford to sluff off every once in a while.

My attempt at growing a beard is frustrating me; being blonde and fair-skinned doesn't help much. But, I've sworn to not shave the chin/stash/lips area (thus making the beard actually a goatee) for 2 weeks straight, so we'll see how it looks. My father started growing a mustache at my age... but he says that he's afraid to shave it off now because it took him 6 years to grow it. Ha!

Going to lunch at a trendy Mexican restraunt.... almost as bad as trendy Chinese, but at least it will be cooked by some of the 2 million hispanics in the Chicago area. Which, some way or another, should make it slightly authentic, despite being served in a Starbuck's-type environment.

ONE OF MY CO-WORKERS LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THE IRON CHEFS!

I'm wondering how well I could play Ota.

Dubbed Me: "Fukui-san!"
Dubbed Fukui: "Yes?"
Dubbed Me: "Iron Coder Akil says that his database is nearly completed, and now has 550 queries, 3500 tables, 75000 records, several triggers, and multiple relationships!"
Dubbed Fukui: "Wow! That sounds like it's going to be quite a database!"
Dubbed Judge Mindless Actress: "Ooh, I can't wait! tee-heehee!"

1:15 PM EST - Not half bad. I'm back to my old schedule. I forgot how much of a killer that extra hour in the morning was in comparison to the day off at the end of every two weeks. I know I like the current schedule so much more (leaving at 6:45, as opposed to 5:45). The bus ride to work, for some inexplicable reason, is longer as well.

I can never complain about more sleep.

This afternoon is going to be fairly enjoyable as well. Burning CD's, reading nodes, planning ideas to decorate the box of the Ghettoserv. Anyone know where I can pick up a black light to mount inside my case?

Nah, maybe I won't go that far.

I miss having a car. Constantly wondering if I would come outside the next morning and find it stolen, or crashed into was never fun, but I need something to get me around this overly-large city I call home. Just something inexpensive, yet quick. I don't need something that goes 140 mph, although I wouldn't mind if I could go from 0-80 in 7-8 seconds. Something that won't kill me with insurance or car payments, yet still feels comfortable and dependable to drive.

But mostly something that doesn't smell like urine (unlike my current modes of transportation).

I've narrowed down my "wish list" to a few different cars:

  • Nissan Maxima - 96-99, during the era when the body style was exceptionally good
  • Honda Civic - any after 95 are relatively good, plus, the older ones can be had for pretty cheap these days
  • Toyota Tacoma - Because everyone loves trucks

But I really need to start saving some cash. The Ghettoserv is going to take a nice chunk of cash out of my wallet. Plus, the bills are due soon. Tuition's coming up, classes are starting, I'm going to have zero free time, ahhhh!

And I realize, I'm no better off with a car than I am without one.

Naughty! I didn't node yesterday!

But I did do my exercise program for the day, so all is not lost. And I managed to do (at least) the minimum reps on both exercises, which is nice.

And I don't ache today, at all, so I'll be doing two sets of everything tomorrow. Which is also nice.

Uh, it's not working.

Last night was a night of noises. If you have ever lived in the sticks, you know what I mean. Aside from the usual animal sounds, there was the sound of someone walking. And not just walking, but INSIDE THE HOUSE.

The SO got up and found it was coming from a corner of our bedroom! The room is very large and has a big bathtub over on the far side. The walking was coming from there. Seems that some animal heavy enough to make the boards creak was inside the little triangular space between the roof and the wall.

Wow. I didn't sleep at all last night. I was up till 4:00 AM. I was just thinking about my SO, who is leaving for 10 months on the 12th. Wow. My best friend moves to Maryland on the 22nd. My ex-girlfriend from upstate comes here on the 19th. My parents are *NOT* getting along. Someone, HELP ME! I pace all the time, in the shower, on the phone, noding. My mind is racing, and I can't slow it down. My SO just called. She'll be here in about an hour.

She finally got here, an hour late. But that's okay, I love that girl to death. She only stayed for a moment, then we went for a quick drive, and then she said she'd be back later. :( Well, it's an hour, 45 minutes later, and no sign of her, and I can't find anything to do. Our days are numbered, I wish I could spend more time with her. The other night she snuck in my window and climbed into bed with me. My mom has support group meetings with overweight women, and tonight they're at our house. I wish I could find something to do.
The day continued. I feel better, but I'm having legal/business problems, and I just got a statement from my broker in the mail. Disappointing at best.

The first time I saw an advert on the TV for a website I paid attention. "See, I told you it would be important!". Now, like the rest of the target demographic, I just ignore them. yaddayaddayadda.com. Who gives a crap?

But every so often I find myself screaming at the TV. Why? Unrealistic portrayals of the internet that's why. Take, for example, a British Telecom advert from 1999 based around a kid in his room playing with ET (yes, the alien from the movie). The kid shows ET his webpage. It comes up on screen, a full screen smoothly rendered animation of the sun rising over the horizon. The kind of thing Flash would struggle at even if you let the file sizes go way above 100k. Of course, the following week the whole world and his wife wanted fully rendered animations on their website. "Look, if a ten year old kid can do it, so can you".

BT isn't the only one. It seems that despite everyone claiming that the World Wide Web is this massively glamorous and shiny place, nobody wants to include actual screenshots of their website in commercials. So they do enhanced versions. The same thing is happening with WAP. If you believe the adverts you get full colour 800 by 600 web access on your Nokia 7110.

So is dotcom land glamorous? Or does it need touching up with photoshop before you broadcast it nationwide? Or is the typical dotcom website so shit that they need to make up a pretty version to get people to visit it?

I wonder...

Oh I wish that I had something better to write about then the hot guy sitting next to me in lab. For instance, the hot guy sitting next to me in the lab just asked me out! Or the hot guy sitting next to me in the lab just threw me down on the ground and made wild passionate love to me until the air conditioning in the room blew! I just started laughing out loud and the hot guy was looking at me like, wha??? If only he knew. Thanks goodness there is extra space in between this computer and the next, otherwise he might be able to read this. Although I am sitting right behind (in front of?) the printer. I may have to end this node at any moment! Wow, he's really nice looking and he smiled at me when I excused myself for laughing. Why is that he just came and sat down next to me now? I have to leave soon. Oh well...

I was thinking that maybe I should start a new log. We have the dream log and the day log but we don't have a hot guy sitting in the lab log. What's up with that? I think I have a good suggestion for an E2 improvement!

Yeah baby, Yeah!!!

But that does bring me to something that I have wanted to talk to someone about lately. Lucky you guys, huh? Seriously, I have found myself in a rather horny mood lately, checking out guys left and right, and then left again...and right again... But when it comes down to it, I don't really want to have someone here. I like the idea of having someone but at the same time I am really really enjoying not having someone. But this indeciciveness is a problem. For instance, that guy that looked like Justin Timberlake, from Nsync. He was all into having a good time with me and I thought I was until it started happening and then I was like, well, no thanks. It's not that I didn't enjoy the kissing but I just didn't want anything else. Although, maybe if the hot guy sitting next to me asked...? Hmm... Well he won't ask so I don't really need to think about that anymore. *sigh* Maybe it's not that I enjoy being alone, but maybe I just feel like I am destined to be alone and I have just come to accept it and even embrace it in an odd sort of way?

My friend Cindy emailed me the other day. She is trying to have children and she is worried that she won't be able to have any. She has been on a fertility medication for quite some time now and she is getting scared. She told me that she didn't think she could talk to any of her friends cos they wouldn't understand. Most of her friends aren't married and don't even think about having children. Well I can totally understand where she is coming from. Because I worry that I won't ever meet anyone, that I will lose my chance also. It's a scary thought and I hate it. But I can't help but think about it. I know that I am only 25 but still, it just seems so hopeless sometimes. I don't mean to get all poopy about this though, but it is MY day log and I'll cry if I want to!!

I suppose I really should leave this on a good note though. Hmmm....

Good note

Blah.

As expected, today basically sucked. Memo to Self – unplanned absences are bad. It’s not over yet – I’m just taking a brief breather to use up my votes and cools and attempt to relax.

There were 12 messages in my voice mail, and about 40 email requests to get through today. The majority of these customers wanted a phone call... and that was on Monday. Ugh. I’m sick of this refurbished crap. Its junk, total junk, and a waste of money.

So, I asked for some extra help, but I may not get it until tomorrow. Unfortunately, I’ll probably have to work with the stoner retard. Oh well. I’m quitting soon. Hell, I might quit before I leave today. I am not sure yet.

I will hear about how my interview yesterday went sometime next week. I might go ahead and quit anyway even though I don’t have any offers. Just the thought of turning in my resignation makes me giddy. It would be nice to have a little time off to focus on job hunting and such. I think cashing in part of my IRA is worth it. Screw the tax issues. I might not even need to cash in my IRA if I’m conservative with my money. With my last 2 paychecks, I can survive for a month, then the IRA money of about $1700 would last another 4-6 weeks.

Now I’m babbling and I should be working. Like you care about my job woes and my money problems.

Nodes That I Wrote Today:
refurbished

CD’s I’ve Listened To Today:
none

Today’s Horoscope on my Calendar - Rise at dawn and get cracking with important business. Commitments on paper are still under a cloud while Mercury opposes Neptune. Lightning bolts of inspiration strike this evening as Saturn enters Gemini for two months.

Not sure what this means. I think it means that I won’t be hearing about my interview for a while. I did come to work early today. Hmm. I think I might leave early too. Sneaking out sounds good right now.

Another two days in vile Silicon Valley. It's like some form of horrible joke.. Everybody, and I do mean damn near everybody rushing around with cell-phones on their ears. merging at like 75 mph, looking straight ahead, cars all kinda dirty from the perpetual smog.

IPO, Market Share, Market Elasticity, Penetration, Deployment, Scope, Going Gold, Aquisition, Media Campaign, "Steve" (as in Jobs), "Larry" (as in Elison), "Jeff" (as in Hawkins).

Ok, so I love it too, but only for a little tiny bit of my time. I'd waste away like a piece of wet green moss drying out in the sun, if I was forced to get freaky in the Valley. Front page news in the Los Gatos Journal "new Head Librarian cancels move to Bay Area, cites impossible cost of rent". Front page news in the San Jose Mercury News "Average cost of 2 bedroom in SF is $1923 a month".

Come on! People! you are all fucking greedy and insane (and by and large geeks, which hurts all the more, what happened to social responsible geeks?)

But there we sat, in our shiny Los Gatos office, with the little Buddha out back as some form of strange hopeful reminder of other places. All I want to do is go swimming. But Instead it is one conference call after another, surrounded by portable gadgets and wall to wall whiteboards (which admitidly is pretty sweet).

On the flight back up, I got to see all the mountains from Shasta to Rainier. Beautiful. Then we looped around Seattle on landing, and once again I am soo happy to be in this weird hi-tech wetish place. But I sure wish they had a Fry's up here.

Listened to today:
the 6ths
764-Hero
Throwing Muses
Rush(the band)

So, I told him tonight. He asked me point blank about my August 4, 2000 node. And I admittied it was about him. I knew I should have taken that down. I don't know how long ago he read it so it might not have done any good anyway. But, the point is, he knows. And now, I feel this massive sense of relief. All this tension is gone.

He didn't have a response ready. I have a feeling he was having trouble believing it was true and he wasn't really prepared for it to be. So, maybe no, maybe yes, either way is good. If it's no I'll stop stressing about him and about all the troubles that would lie ahead. If it's yes, well, if it's yes I get to kiss him, sooner or later.

But there is one thing that I do not want. There is one thing that would be really bad, so listen up you. I do not want him to say yes because I want him. I only want him to say yes because he wants me. The truth is, me getting into a relationship right now is not a good idea. There are so many complcations in my life right now that anything less than a "YES!!!", with lots of exclamation points, would be too hard for both of us. If I'm not the right one for you please just say no. "Maybe the right one" won't work either.

I'm sorry, this sucks, to dump this on you. Especially when we work together every day. Sometimes I don't hold back when I should. And if you say no I will smile at you in the morning. I will still like, and respect, you. I will still be able to work with you, and I will be able to have fun with you. I will honestly be ok with whatever you say.

Of course, if you said you never wanted to talk to me again, that would suck, and hurt like hell.

OK. So I'm about to write about something highly embarrassing, actually I think it is in the humiliating area. If you really don't want to have TOO much info don't read on. You have been warned.

I have decided to write about one of the most human actions that we ALL have done hundreds if not thousands of times in our life time and yet I am horribly shamed that I did. It wasn't even my fault, not really . . .

I can't remember the dream only that I couldn't wake up and that I was desperately trying to. I have the impression of being chained, tied up and unable to move but that is all I can remember.

I awake. Oh SHIT. No . . . couldn't be . . . OMG! I did.

(sigh)

I actually pissed the bed.

For crying out loud I'm 28 years old, how the hell does that happen?

I'm not drunk, no drugs . . . hmm I did take a Legatrin but that was hours ago . . .

Damn it! EWWWW

disgusting!

Do I wake up my hubby?

ughhh no I can't deal with him right now

"mom? moooom?"

grrrr great. I'm standing here in the middle of the hall in just a tee shirt hobbling through on crutches, highly agitated and one of my sons is needing something.

I grouch something like - just a minute!

I throw something on and go back to see what's wrong.

He's had a nightmare and wants the bathroom light left on.

(sigh)

Poor kid all of this is so rough on him, he's such a sensitive little man.

I look at the clock 5: 36 a.m.

Great, well I'd make too much noise going down the stairs (crutches do not slide quietly down the stairs)

So what is my great answer to the don't wanna wake the hubby, can't go downstairs, too early to do anything and nothing else to do problem? (couldn't even take a bath cus once again it'd wake the whole house) Grab 2 large bath towels. EWWWWWW!

Yup you guessed it I did, I just put two towels down and went right back to sleep.

7:12 a.m.

"You have to get up too."

Ughhh open eyes and look at the clock.

Close eyes.

7:25 A.M.

"You can just stay asleep. I'll take the kids to school."

Uggghhh that means he's staying home again.

grrrrr

Ok thanks. (Fake smile)

Close eyes.



11: 23 A.M.

Ok I have killed most of the morning quite successfully, I guess I should get out of bed now.

Today I get my cast off. I'm nervous and excited. I've had nightmares about this day and yet all of my waking time I've been waiting fervently for it. I will no doubt write more later.

__________________________________________________________________________________

4:30 P.M.

The nurse deftly and quickly cuts off my cast, as he does, we chat about how excited I must be to be getting it off and how I might need a brace for a while. He finally pries it off, revealing what I least expected. I had expected my leg to be extraordinarily skinny, the skin really scaley and maybe a bit beat up looking. What I had not expected to see was it still swollen 2-3 times the size of my other leg, horribly crooked (there's at least a 40-degree difference from the direction my knee points to the direction my foot is) and instead of being pale it was as dark or darker then my good leg. The nurse who had been joking and laughing suddenly excuses himself in a rush and doesn't come back for at least 30 minutes. In the meantime, I had some fun playing with my leg out of the cast. I move my ankle as much as possible, feels good to be able to even if I can only slightly move it because the muscles are so weak. I bend my knee some, noting that even though my ankle didn't move my leg bent somewhat in the middle. At this point I get a bit hysterical in a fun way. I'm laughing as I watch in horror as I realize that the last 3 months has not been hardly long enough to mend my broken leg. Eventually the doctor wanders in and for the first time since I met him in the ER isn't sugar coating what he tells me. "Well it's going to be anywhere from nine months to a year that you'll have either a cast or brace on, you know." He says nonchalantly, as if I was supposed to have known this. How could I have? He had kept telling me it was healing just fine and had never even suggested any time frame different then the three months he had told me originally, until now that is. I slowly begin to digest what he's saying to me.

Heaven oh glorious heaven. Debbie, the x-ray technician takes pity on me and for the first time since before Mother's Day washes my left leg for me. Then the nurse puts on the new cast, a very painful process as he is trying to change the position of my foot to better align the bones for healing properly. My husband throughout the entire visit is of course doing what he always does, talking about himself and how many times he's been through traumatic experiences like this, making sure to point out each wound to anyone who'll listen. He did let me squeeze his fingers as a release of pain (kept me from digging my nails into my palm cus I know I would have), again all the while telling me how none of this hurts him a bit and I can squeeze harder if I'd like. (I really wanted to slap him but I restrained myself nicely I thought.)

The first comment out of my mother in laws mouth to me was, "So you'll be sticking around for another nine months to a year huh?"

I stuck to a neutral comment, "We'll see what happens."

The rest of the night I spend trying to kill the pain in my leg, and trying to stay calm while coping with the reality that my plans are going to have to change yet again. Time for plan . . . I've lost count of how many plans have gone horribly awry.

What am I doing wrong is what I want to know? Is life just taunting me for being silly in thinking I can change it my way? Or is there some point I'm missing here?

Today I still feel like a newbee here on E2.

Although some nice people gave me a positive vote, and some people didn't, the thing I enjoyed most was the moment I got a first writeup on a node I did create myself, huggie. In fact I even liked the writeup more than the first I created, but somehow I realised that if I didn't create the node, maybe the good writeup wouldn't be created.

As I, in my very new position here on E2 don't have the power yet to vote something by points, I do it hereby by writing this writeup expressing the fact that I DID like it.

forgotten friend

I woke up around 3 or so. It's not that I was up too late, certainly no more than usual, but I think yesterday's surgery knocked a bit out of me, even if it was just a mole removal. The day passed uneventfully until I heard a voice on the phone I hadn't heard in years. Celeste was calling after a two-year lapse or so. We had talked about getting together last summer but something happened and it never occurred. This time, she was asking if I could come to her party on Saturday. It was her first party since that eventful event (Gad what a pathetic statement) where I met Lily. She was having a hard house DJ spin and about 35 people hopefully show, it was BYOD. Too bad that weekend was dedicated towards Balboa Island. Oh well. Apparently, she's turned into a jungle bunny, all dancing and etarded out. I'm in serious lust, though I have no idea how she looks. How funny to think about little Satanic Celeste as a raver. We talked for a while about various things. She's going to USC, and seems to be aiming for a science major. She's been working as a waitress for two restaurants, one high-scale, and she's getting a lip/labret piercing this weekend. Kyuute! I can't explain how much a turn-on body piercing is when it's on the right women. Potentially embarrassing things aside (Having people you know in real-life read E2… sigh), seems Suriya's off to Lebanon, Alfred's a putz like always, and Nathan's off to Germany after pissing off everyone in California. Always interesting to see what old acquaintances are up to. We signed off with a promise to see each other next week and her promise to shove people aside to see me. I wonder why she bothered to contact me again, but I'm not complaining, and hopefully I can keep connected with her this time.

comedown

That was pretty much the highlight of the day. I played Mario Party 2 with David a bit - what a crappy game. There's such a lapse between action, and most of the games are lame. I really fail to see the attraction. Tom called in response to all the messages left and we talked for around an hour about various topics. He couldn't come to Balboa Island this weekend, but he should come the next. Our conversation was interrupted by a cigarette break on his part. I really feel sorry for his addiction to nicotine. He describes it as a hunger, how the enjoyment of smoking isn't in the act but in the cessation of unpleasant feelings. I'd never do a drug that you had to take in order to feel normal, but that's the monkey of physical addiction.

4:15 pm
sometimes i look at the things i've done.. while doing them.. and ask in my head "why are you doing this.. cant you see whats going on".

othertimes i just wanna scream and slam things and break things.. i know i have a really bad temper.. i think it explains why i can be so passive

at times.. i just wind up exploding. as i look at my bloodied knuckles.. i think maybe i over-react.. but is it so bad punching a wall.. instead of hurting someone or breaking something.

i have all this shit built up.. and every day i do stupid stuff that just adds to it.. ive realized a lot about my childhood.. things i wasnt aware of.. i dont know if it was because i wasn't looking.. or if i was in denial. being aware of these things doesn't help any. i dunno.. part of me feels as if it makes it worse.. because now i am angry, resentful, and frustrated.

lately i seem to hurt those i care about.. i dunno why or how.. maybe sub-consiously i am trying to scare them away.. cuz if they stay it shows they really love me.. i don't think i have ever felt the security of that. who in my life hasn't walk out on me that i've loved.. walked out.. or pushed me away.. i know its a common "poor me" rant.. but its true.. my mother.. a good person.. but the emotional support wasn't even there when i was 5.. my father.. joke.. my past lovers.. hah.. even my friends.. it's a relatively new thing to have friends who i feel really care about me. i'd say something in the past few years.. sometimes i pinch myself because im not sure its real..

there is so much wrong right now.. and i can't let anyone in.. the people who would listen.. i care too much about to worry or burden them.. that in it's self would make things worse.. my family.. hahah.. i don't even want to go into my last conversation with my mother and i.. fuck.. i should bandage my hand

4:30pm
We just wanted to let you know that Christopher Stach II
has requested that sixdegrees(tm) remove the relationship
between you two from our system. In response to Christopher's
request, that relationship will no longer be listed in our
directory.

bye chris.. i guess thats the end to something 8 years old. most of it was rather good.. too bad the end had to be so bad. i did love you, i wasn't in love with you, we never should have lived together knowing those things.. nevermind dated. i blame us both.

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