August 7, 2007

The way I spend my votes is, I pick the darkest (in my ekw) softlink and read it, vote appropriately (in my head), and just go to town, reading, always reading. I wanted to share some interesting writeups that I've been following around. After that, I will talk about something else. Probably I'll be thinking about ninjas. Drinking lukewarm beer.

I received a tremendous amount of feedback on my last daylog, so in the interests of full disclosure, I deemed it a worthy endeavour to share with the reader some decent writeups. Look man, I'm not talking about the oh-my-god-sperm-drying-on-my-thigh writeups. Those I have given you, and Lost Gems of Yesteryear includes basically anything that I would include. The writeups I would like to share today are a result of my indifferent way of voting on stuff; good writeups, worthy of even your decadent tastes, but perhaps not included in the pantheon of artistic excellence, a thing which has the unsettling effect of allowing no comparison, despite quality content. Listen, I will kill any man in a knife fight who says that The Bear FAQ isn't goddamned amazing.

It occured to me that Random Node is largely unsatisfying. I do not see the name of the writeup first, and it is additionally unsatisfying because of Webster 1913's prevalence. So I click on the darkest (in my ekw) softlink and read. If I do not like it, I choose a random person from the Other Users list and read. If one morning you wake up and your node tracker says someone +1ed your last eight writeups, that was probably me. (See, a true "audit" would go from front to back, beginnning to end. I have done that with exactly one noder--Dannye, maybe? Someone with an assload of writeups--and I will never do it again. My dreams have darkened since that time. I cower at shadows now. Nay, I will not go that dark path again.

It is very possible to come by the same writeup combo more than once. Softlinking, for example, "Satan" to "Tony Blair" may provide the user with a bouncy-point, going back and forth between Satan and Tony Blair over and over again. For purposes of this writeup, I have removed any such instances, to save both bandwidth, and your not-valuable time. I am kind, benevolent. And beautiful, the way an eagerly-awaited deli-bought pre-made pizza would be beautiful, if you were homeless, stole it, and didn't get caught. Also nodeshells: I have discluded nodes without content. Daylogs and dreamlogs too, because, well, read them on your own time, suckers.

Astonishingly, I've come across the writeup "nougat" no less than 45000 times. It's good, but I hate those long pseudo-bibliographies. My hero in life, Webster 1913, has not one of those, even if I (more or less) just want to hug user segnbora-t for all the work she has done for us.

Keeping with the food theme for a moment, the writeups in the node Steak are good. Sure, one is Webby again, but he mentions turtle steak, so all is well.

We diverge from food slightly now, and end up with the node abortion, and despite the avalanche of dissonance, homogeneity, there is also some genuine goodness. Of course it's been ed-locked. I would've. Please to read.

Oooh, a node I could've include in Brawl's quest, guys: HOWTO: Build a lasting peace in the Middle East.

Sometime later--according to this ancient .txt file I'm looking at, anyway--I found the nodes Dada and Dada movement. Despite the topic itself being some seriously irrelevant bullshit, it at least is some seriously irrelevant bullshit I've never read about before, and I am eager, yea, even frothing at the mouth for bullshit I've never read before. And relax, relax, I don't mean to hurt your feelings, Dada-noders. I like you guys a lot. I wasn't shitting in your pants okay? You guys rock.

And just now, I found the the node The World's Shortest Horror Story. Anyway, good reading!

Before I go, I wanted to give a shout-out to one last writeup, softlinked to corpse or something like that. I cannot say I've had sufficient opportunity (or inertia) to read JohnnyGoodyear's work, but Eleven sentences about boiled tongue is particularly good. A lot of words in there. I like words. And so do you.

The Bear FAQ

For some time I have been with much woe out of contact with friends and others who are not so much friends as something else here at the everything2.com website. For many weeks I have been tied up (not literally but figuratively) with the legal case involving former friend Dale, who I framed for arranging for the abduction and murder of his wife, who was rightfully my girlfriend but kept from me by Dale's constant claims of marital right. Let it be known that with the help of current friends Chopper, Bruce and The Slow Kid we have put Dale behind bars where he belongs due to unholy holding onto of wife and will be moving soon to change his sentence from life in prison to death row once we review Maryland's statutes on this sort of thing.

Once the case was closed, I found myself needing to move on. As part of the deal with the legal system, corrupted as it is by the extremely evil and sulfuric smelling Joe Biden (who wouldn't have a job if he lived in the conservative state of Maryland instead of the communist satellite state of Delaware), Bruce went to prison along with Dale. Bruce and Dale will be sharing a cell together which will be fun to think about because Bruce enjoys steady, hardcore man sex with unwilling partners and Dale is a Christian tight ass. Let's see his God get him out of this one, eh? I laugh to consider his prayers.

To celebrate I went to the grocery store in a pair of plaid shorts and a silky black shirt to buy a cantaloupe and a bottle of sherry. Chopper, who was with me at the time, and myself went out to the parking lot and with a machete split the cantaloupe in half. We then proceeded to clear out the guts of this orange melon and pour the sherry into the gully that remained. I did not enjoy the liberally slanted movie Fern Gully but this did not keep me from referring to the hollowed out area in the cantaloupe as a gully because words cannot be corrupted for wrongful political purposes, only hearts can. What happened next proves that hearts can indeed be corrupted by liberal television programs involving Ike and Ted Turner.

It may be important to point out now that my friend Chopper looks almost exactly like the guy in the movie Predator who kills the scorpion and then says "Anytime," to Apollo Creed in a weird voice. The only difference is that Chopper is thin, white and has curly hair. Otherwise, same.

As Chopper and me prepared to enjoy the sherry-soaked melon we had gleefully prepared in a public American parking lot to celebrate sending an innocent but annoying man to prison for life (and hopefully the chair) we were approached by left-leaning cops who posed a lot of confusing questions meant to back us into a corner. We were not biting. Our succulent melon was just at the peak of readiness and these cops were inteferring with our rights as Americans to enjoy booze saturated cantaloupes in public American parking lots.

What did we do, you might ask? We decided to mess with the heads of these left-leaning cops. We asked them a number of questions about Michael Vick that were very topical given current events and then began pounding them with accusations about letting foreigners like this soccer player and his Spanish-speaking ilk kill American born and bred super dogs. They did not know what to say in response so we pointed to an abandoned warehouse in the distance, which would still be operating and producing textiles if unions hadn't fucked up the whole deal, and told them we could hear dogs barking, fighting and dying inside the building.

They felt so guilty they left us in peace to enjoy the fruit and alcohol we had paid for with American money we had earned and went off to investigate the abandoned warehouse. Of course you and me and Chopper know there was no dog fighting in the abandoned warehouse, only methadone addicts and bag ladies who belong in work camps or jail.

The cantaloupe was delicious. Here is the recipe:

• One ripe but firm cantaloupe
• One bottle of sherry
• One pound bag of Twizzlers brand red licorice

Using a sharp machete, cut cantaloupe in half. Scoop seeds and other crap from inside of cantaloupe out with spoon, hands or garden implements.

Place each half of cut cantaloupe on a flat surface. Pour sherry into the gully created when seeds and other crap was removed from inside of melon (cantaloupe).

Pick up one half of canteloupe slowly and raise to face. Tilt slightly and begin to chew on tender flesh of melon (cantaloupe) while at same time allowing liquid (sherry) to fill expectant mouth. Repeat until finished.

Better when done with friend (two halves).