Seems like some dates are cursed. The 24th of December are destined to make people believe that that's the day Jesus was born. The 5th of August is meant to be the day when relationships ends. At least for me. For the second year in a row the 5th of August have meant sadness and a lot of thinking. This year it also involved small portions of that feeling called freedom. Yes she dumped me and I don't know if I feel glad or sad. I wasn't in love with her but I surely felt something for her. I need to sleep on the matter and I'll get back to my w/u tomorrow. Hopefully I can add a dreamlog, and then at least Freud can help me sort things out.

Today I went to the grocery store, and it made my day. There, by the cold bottled foods, the orange juice and the milk and also the yogurt, a mother was picking cheese. Her two daughters, both children by anyone's reckoning, were with her. The younger was maybe three, the elder maybe six. The smaller girl pinched her face into a frown, bared her teeth, and began stomping zealously on her sister's flip-flop-shod feet.




The older sister took the younger by the shoulders gently, pulled her close, and kissed her forehead.

I am just tired, and hungry, and I smell a bit (It's hot)

Had a very good day, solved something, well someone solved it for me. Got home early, played James Brown (Like turned on the nomad, not actually played)

Found a nice parking place rather fast, and had a salad for lunch (I hate salad, but this one tasted good)

I am disgusted with myself and the great day I had, I guess this infection I am developing in my earlobe is the only thing I can whine about.

Oh, I am still tired and hungry and I DO smell a bit.

Note, I didn't even have to use the spell checker today is going so nicely, I don't care.

I walk into my bathroom last night to wash up for bed. I turn on the light and notice something off in my periphery.

I turn and see that it's one of the many gecko lizards that crawl around my house. I love those little guys, because they eat all the bugs so I don't have to worry about it. I've witnessed more than one throw down between a cockroach and a gecko. The gecko's always win.

So anyway, I move my head in real close to get a good look at the little guy. Smaller gecko's are actually transparent, so it's neat to look at their inards.

Gecko's are also skiddish little bastards. If you catch one on an open floor, they'll go from 0 to 60 in less than a second, and it doesn't take much to scare them.

This particular gecko must not have liked the look of me, because after I stared at him for about 3 seconds he lept off the wall onto my glasses. He stayed there for just a moment, and then fell what had to be an uncomfortable 6 foot drop to the floor. He hit the ground running and was behind the toilet before I could blink.

I might start sleeping with my gun in my hand, just in case they come for me again.

"Words are meaningless, and forgettable.." Depeche Mode

As I sit here and feel the cool touch of the AC, the sound of my Smirnoff Ice relaxing it's chill into the warmth of my oak desk, I reflect on this weekend. A stream of sweaty sheets and shy fumbling for post carnal clothes, my hand tracing small circles in the nape of her back, a quick and easy kiss goodbye at the ferry dock this afternoon. Small sighs of regret for magnificent words that flowed through my head as we joined, and were lost for want of a way to capture them, pretty sacrifices of lust and memory...

I wonder, wonder slightly if I am as detached as I seem, as I want to be. Always stirring up the pot, I am. If not that, smoking it.
Sat down, took the time to do a tarot reading concerning my trip down to Florida. A good fight ahead, I look forward to it. Now if I can convince my wallet that my tarot has given me the green light to go, we'll all be happy...

Happy should be a four letter word.
I talk to my mother today..she calls as I orgasm, have roommate put her on hold until I can collect myself enough to talk to her..her timing is perfect as always. A half hour later, as I hang up, sex is gone from my mind as I reel with her ramblings...I'm always left a bit frazzled and depressed after talking with my mother, her frenzied hold on reality is a constant reminder of the helpless solitude of madness that lurks behind my eyes, always tempting me into it's warm clutch of confusion..I regal in my ability to stay calm in her sea of chaos, in any sea of chaos. When we argue, I respond as vehemetly as she attacks, until her voice reaches the "demon" tone, where I automatically go dead calm. Icey eyes and a grim smile defuse her as she fades into a apologetic babble, and a hug. I wish I had learned that years ago, when it mattered. When it counted.

Curse this blasted, Irish ancestry! I wore waterproof sunblock with a high SPF, and still after only 2 hours of kayaking around the bay with my friends I still have a sunburn on my knee. But it was still worth it.

Kayaking is fun. It's nice to just be in the ocean water on a beautiful day. But when rehashing the fun of the day with my friends over some beers and burgers afterwards, someone mentioned how some people use their kayaks to ride the waves alongside the surfers. That sounds like a lot of fun, too. But then I thought, why bother to simulate the sensation of surfing if I could just learn to surf instead? I was visiting a friend today who happens to surf now and then. Her roommate has these kittens she's trying to find homes for, and I told her I'd get back to her tomorrow after I've thought more about adopting one or not. If I end up adopting one, then while I'm over at her place picking it up I'll also ask her if she'd teach me to surf.

The same friend invited this guy she likes the last time we all played pool. He seemed pretty cool, and she likes him. But he hasn't called her since that one night. She gave me her analysis. Maybe he's just out of town on business? Or maybe he's just going slowly? But I could tell she was sad. She realized he might just not be interested. The whole weekend went by and he never called. Since that's when most people seek out the ones they like, things don't bode well for them.

All I could for my friend was give her some basic advice. If he likes her, he'll call. If she likes him, it's not a bad thing for her to call him. And if it turns out that he's just not interested, then oh well. It's his loss. I couldn't really fix her pain. I couldn't do anything magical to make him appear, expressing his love for her. I couldn't remove the doubts. I couldn't really weaken the blow of him not liking her, if he doesn't. I could just absorb some of her pain by being there as a friend. It helps a little when a friend does that. But not enough. And it's hard for me to understand why he wouldn't be interested in her, and to see her feel bad as we both ponder that together.

Maybe that's why some people just don't have real friends? Maybe they figure it's hard enough to absorb one person's share of pain and they're too selfish and immature to take on the burden of sharing anyone else's? But I know it would have been more painful for my friend to not have friends around her when she felt so bad. Having a caring person to talk to helps, if only a little bit.

And there's a certain amount of beauty in the world behind the whole thing. You just have to know how to see it. She may be sad right now. But she knows she's not alone. And I feel sad for her, but I know that she considers me a good enough friend to help her. What little good she and I could take from it all may not compare so well against true love. But it's still beautiful in its own right. It's beautiful when you're reminded that none of us are really alone in life.

Today was certainly... well, not interesting, but not too dull, either. I got up at nine o'clock, which is no small feat because I was up until the wee hours of the night surfing the internet and noding. Five hours or so of sleep isn't too bad, but it makes getting out of bed even harder than usual. Of course, I wasn't doing this out of my own volition. I would've slept until noon if left to my own devices. However, I had a driving appointment. A driving appointment such that if I missed it, I'd forfeit forty dollars. I grudingly showered, forgetting to shave, of course, threw one of my less favorite shirts, a pair of jeans, and my Doc Martens. I then goofed off for a while and ate my peanut butter and honey sandwich. I planned to finish The Civic Minded Five, but I ran out of time. My mother kindly drove me to the school.

I met up with Patrick, hopped in the car, and got introduced to the driving instructor. It was 4 hours, 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. Two hours of driving each. Patrick was putting on his 3rd and 4th hours, and I was putting on my 4th and 5th. Needless to say, he's still much better than me. To my credit, I didn't make us all die. It was close a few times on the highway, but I'm pretty sure that nobody got more than some very very minor bruises. There was only one semi-incident. I took a 160 degree or so turn going nearly twice as fast as I should've. I probably should have been doing fifteen miles per hour or below, but I think I hit twenty-five. Everybody was woken up, but no damage was done. Patrick didn't really have any problems, so we made it back to the school in one piece. We filled out self-evaluation forms, and then my dad picked us up.

He insisted on taking us to get ice cream, and I now believe that it was a good decision. The girl at the ice cream counter was no other than Tara, my crew chief from the high school drama group. I had a brief conversation with her. Bland, but at least partially fulfilling. After the yummy ice cream (which I believe she gave me extra of because I'm so sassy (hah!)), we dropped Pat off at his apartment. After various errands with my old man, I returned to my precious computer.

I proceeded to do some substantial noding. Finished The Civic Minded Five, wrote a couple kinda bland factual writeups about guitar parts, and finally got to doing Don't take that tone with me, son. I'd been putting it off for a while, but I figured I could make a decent piece out of it. It turned out alright, I guess. After that bit of intellectual masturbation, I watched some TV and went to bed. Over all, not an entire waste of time.

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