People say that I think I am a
perfect angel when I'm not.
I know that I'm not, but they say that I
play myself to be one. I tell them that a perfect angel doesn’t cut, drink, or think of
suicide all the time. Granted I've drunk myself
drunk once and that was the last time for me, People don't believe me that I don't drink anymore, same with my
cutting. People don't understand the
concept of me quitting, they bring it up ALL the time like I still do it. They've even
labeled me as a cutter.
Yes... Sometimes I get
pissed off and lock myself in my room with my thumb tacks at hand because my family hurt my feelings once again. But that’s all I do... Its all I can do. Just hold the tack in my hand and wonder on if its worth it or not, If the problem is worth going to the hospital again. Then I just cry even harder because I thought of Cutting again. Well I’ve been cut-free for more then a year now and yes I have to live with
scars on my body, but as much as I want to I can't
blame anyone for that but myself. Yes, it's easy to say, "it's because my friend and I got into a fight," or "it's because my sister almost
overdosed," or "my family and I are having problems," and before I just refused to think more of it... we will make up, she’s fine now, and families do that. It took me a long time to
realize this and now that I know it I feel better; I'm not
healed or
cured, but I feel better.
I admit that I am still
weak; one
slip and I could
fall and, when I do, I might not be able to get back up. But unlike before, I have friends now that will be there for me at the bottom of the hill to help me back up it... even if I don't like it. Before they were there at the top being the ones that pushed me down and I loved it. While I was in the
hospital for a week, I realized that my friends and family really did care about me and if I had a problem I could just go to them. As for my thoughts of
suicide, I still have them and as much as I want to act upon them I wont because I have a
career that I need to set myself for and I have
college to think about now. Besides when I’m not in a
suicidal moment I think of all my friends and family that will miss me and how my true friends will be heart broken if I left them. No I don't know if I have real true friends but I know of two that promises to be with me though thick and thin till
death do us part and
the whole nine yards there. So, for that I hold on till it is my real time to go: the one where I die not by me but by something or someone else. Besides,
suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and as long as that’s in my head I wont act upon my thoughts of suicide - only write down what it is and get rid of it for good.