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Time: Wed, 30 Aug 2000 00:27:48 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) Debian/GNU mod_perl/1.21_03-dev
Number of nodes: 671978 (1132 new since August 29, 2000)
Number of users: 18480 (40 new since August 29, 2000)
Number of links: 3314617 (23658 new since August 29, 2000)

Node to user ratio: 36.362 nodes per user
Link to node ratio: 4.933 links per node
Link to user ratio: 179.362 links per user

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Users Online (53): [Pseudo_Intellectual] [dannye] [mat catastrophe] [Orange Julius] [thefez] [tftv256] [dann] [deep thought] [Halcyon&on] [icicle] [birdonmyshoulder*] [Ereneta] [Gorgonzola] [tribbel] [Roninspoon] [Pteryx] [briiiiian] [StopTheViolins] [Sudderth] [Katyana] [Nailbunny] [spacklequeen] [chrisjh] [Tannor] [anotherone] [Mojo Jojo] [slappyjack] [Infinity] [jes04] [lawnjart] [girlotron] [Torque] [Ender02] [Maldoror00] [morgandorf] [Powers] [Girlface] [Spuunbenda] [PhysicsChic] [danlowlite] [narzos] [sparkleface] [Clone] [CASweetAngel] [dg] [Melankolic] [Acid Dragon] [arsenick] [Loopy] [dash2] [thopkins] [shaynetonio] [Infinite Monkeys]

JeffMagnus node count: 4041 (1 new since August 29, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience: 9574 (4 more since August 29, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 2.369 XP per node
JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.602%
JeffMagnus node of the day: E2 server facts

Early this evening I am swamped with a wave of bitterness. I hold angry imaginary conversations in which I say nasty venomous wounding things to her and to certain of my so called friends whom I haven't seen for months.

And then it has passed and I am just miserable. My flatmate arrives home so I shut myself in my room and lie on my bed in the suit that I haven't bothered to change out of. I don't want to be here. I want to go away, away from here, away from everything, but I don't have anywhere to go. I want to run away to somewhere new but I know that if I did it would just be me in another place. Besides, sometimes I love this city.

My flatmate turns on the stereo in the lounge and I can hear him banging around in the kitchen. I decide to go out and get some dinner, mainly just to get out of here for a while. I open my door, walk straight out and head downstairs. Then my knees sort of buckle under me and the next thing I know I'm sitting halfway down the stairs with tears making slow tracks down my face again. After a minute the fear(hope?) that someone will come out of one of the apartments and find me like this motivates me to haul myself up and keep moving. I trudge slowly down Toorak road. I have no idea where I am going, I am just walking.

Then I see Nando's across the road and I decide to get a chicken burger and go eat it alone in the park or something. I cross the road and go in. The guy behind the counter greets me cheerily and asks me how I am.

'Pretty Good Thanks' I say.

Today was the first day of school.

FUCK.


Blah. My first class, math, started at 9:00. The professor walked in at 9:10 and said something like, "You know how classes start ten after the hour, and end on the hour? It really confuses me."

Way to use the left side of your brain, mathy.


What the fuck? This Ph.D chick is gonna be teaching me linear algebra and she can't even figure out how the schedule works? She wasn't being sarcastic either... she made the comment a second time in the middle of class. I have high, high hopes for this class.

Not.


So the next class (at ten, which must have confused the fuck out of my last prof.) was math again. Yes, I'm taking two maths. Why you ask? Because I'm a goddamn retard (read: math major).

This class was surprisingly good. The prof seems like a nice lady, and we spent the whole class playing with pieces of paper. Playing with paper is a billion times more interesting than taking notes.

There was also a really cute girl that sat down next to me. I'm talking asian and moderately hot. Not hot in the slut sense, but hot in the cute-and-obviously-intelligent sense. The kind of hotness that I could settle down with and raise a family.

When she sat down she turned to me and asked if she was in the right room. I said something like, "I hope so," and didn't say another word to her the entire class.

I'm so fucking smooth. Smooth like a chainsaw.


God. GOD!! Why didn't I introduce myself? What the fucking shit hell crap fuck ass shit fuck shit hell was I thinking? Am I that much of a fucking coward? Lord. I look back at my silence in disgust.

I left class and had an hour break until English. I roamed around aimlessly, finally stopping by the arcade and getting my ass handed to me four times in a row on the Virtual-On machine. I met up with Johann and Jeff, and walked them to lunch. Then walked myself, alone, to English.

I got to class early, and sat down. Next thing I know, some white girl comes in and sits right next to me. I mean it, right next to me. And there were a billion other seats to choose. I was like, "yeeeeaaah," but she was white. I wasn't interested.

If only it had been the asian girl from math. God is a teasing bastard.


English was good. The professor is kick-ass. He was so cool I felt like I should call him by his first name. The topic of the class is "love stories." Too bad there wasn't one fucking asian girl in the class. I could have wowed them with my supreme english skill.

Supremely shitty english skill.


So that's that. I hope I can grow some balls and talk to girls soon.

back | days | front

Wow, another month almost over.

Today we have to pack our equipment to ship to the tradeshow in Amsterdam. I wonder how we're going to get everything packed before midday?

I have puffy eyes today.

I continued my quest to sample the different alcopops last night. I tried Smirnoff Mule and Metz schnapps. The mule was icky and awful, the metz was palatable. I still prefer Lemon Vodka Hooch to all the others, barring greyhound cocktails.

I have only a slightly bad head this morning :-)

16:20 BST

Well, the equipment is shipped. It only took 4 hours longer than expected, due to problems with serial numbers (we forgot to write them down), Televisions (none worked) and fatigue (We're all lazy gits :-)

Lifting all those heavy things has given me neck, back and leg ache. I've taken a load of painkillers, so I'm a little... mellow right now. This is a good thing, as I can deal with those annoying managers with laid back ease ;-)

I don't think I'll be on the net after work - I'm sleeping for at least 12 hours tonight. I'm knackered.


More later? I bet you can't wait! :-P

Fairly happy. "Today will be mild, sunny everywhere with a maximum temperature of 21 centigrade." Later, we'll see if that little prediction comes true.

Work work work

Anyway, writing, editing, tidying and re-reading are todays jobs. University project nearly finished. Next friday... Next friday... Will be finished in time, but still having trouble at night. When I do, I have lots of dreams, but I can't remember them - so nothing for the dream log.

My little (18 year old) brother wants his first PC, so I'm helping him buy and build it. He's very excited. I'm looking forward to it too. Making computers is fun. At the moment, we are looking at building a PC from parts for about £1000. When I built my first computer (4 years ago) I spect £1000. That seems to be a magic number: how much it costs to build a high-end PC. Of course, every year they get faster, but the cost seems to be constant. With systems, the cost is probably the psychological barrier above which people won't venture.

Hrmmmm.

Update: It seems the weather prediction for today was about correct. Makes a change.

I got my own back last night and dropped the broken generator on the monkey. The flat bastard...

I'm not so sure what to write today since after the rib writeup my girlfriend has asked me not to include her in my daylogs or anything anymore. Oops.

So I got up this morning, bathed, got the tube, struggled through about three more pages of my book, which I am now beginning to hate. I have little daydreams about leaving it on the tube with a note written inside the cover,

"Please look after this book. Thank you.

PS: I wouldn't recommend reading it because it's shit and you'll regret it from about page four onwards. Trust me, I tried it myself, got half way and wanted to kill myself."

So now I am at work again with nothing to do again. This time I have decided to do something for myself. It's quite shocking that a grown man would take so long to think of that, but there you go. Things like everything distract me.

I am going to learn python, as we are investigating scripting languages for use at work and the more I am familiar with the less I will be able to blame other people when I get stuck using the wrong one on the next project.

Oh, oh... I am happy actually, because on Sunday a friend told me there's a new Iain M. Banks book in the shops. Bimbo.


Note from the future: Actually got around to learning python in late 2006.

CONQUER LITERATURE: Finished The Diamond Age by Neal Stephenson this morning. Liked it. Will force some people to read it later.

MGTSPEAK: I'm preparing a presentation for next week using Powerpoint. Damn, does this thing include some weird functionality! It has someting called the 'meeting minder' that seems so totally out of place.

ACK! YOU'VE LOST HIT POINTS. There is a gigantic bruise on my right leg, origin unknown. Hmm.

SPARE ME. Found some old poetry I wrote a year ago. The horror!

TODAY'S SOUNDTRACK: Tom Waits - Blue Valentine.

The cherry blossoms are starting to bloom in CBR. This means that spring is very close. The early blooms' fragrance can be enjoyed from a couple of paces before encountering the tree. They aren't as revered here in .au as they are in Nihon, but hell, what is?

Seems I've entered that delicious twilight zone of being on vacation, in my heart, just a little, before the vacation actually starts. I still can't quite believe that I've made it this far, four years without a meaningful break, then a year in anticipation of fully one month of fun and rest and more fun. And friends and sake and shopping and the unique state of being surrounded by millions of Japanese and being the foreigner for a change. Man, I can't wait.

Back home late last night, glad to be out of Olympic madness. The shopkeepers are more excited than the athletes, I reckon. Back to Sydney tomorrow, though, for a few hours, to meet with The Big Publisher.

W lied to me today, but I've stopped caring.

We went to Friendly's just to hang out. I remember the first time we ever hung out together, we must have drank at least a pot of coffee each, but what else is there to do in this small town at midnight? I stared at his lips the whole time and I didn't know what the big attraction was. I still don't.

He's dating someone I don't really like. She's too immature and she's just not right for him. But I'm not either. But I really want to kiss him. I haven't wanted to kiss someone so badly since I met Marty. That's really scary.

We went to the lab, cos we're geeks like that. He showed me his webpage, I wish I could remember what the name of the computer chip is that he is so in love with but

damn there is something extremely sexy about an intelligent man!



He is really in robotics and he showed me the webpage for his robotics club. God I was getting so hot sitting next to him, listening to him talk. I made him explain everything to me while I soaked in every word. I leaned in closer so I could hear him. I could have listened to him talk for hours but finally he ran out of things to say.

We got in the elevator and I told him how much I loved to hear him talk about his robots, I told him it had made me really hot. He laughed, he thought I was kidding. I asked him if he would show me his robots sometime. He thought I was picking on him.

We got in the car and headed for home. I confessed to him that I wasn't kidding, I love intelligent men. I told him how badly I wanted to kiss him. When I asked he told me that I wasn't making him uncomfortable. I couldn't believe I was telling him all of this. But it felt so good to be so open and so honest with him and it was making me want him even more. I felt so free, so unhibited, thank God he has a girlfriend, otherwise I really would have gotten myself in trouble.

He told me that he had been interested in me that first night we went out but for some reason we never hung out again. I asked him why and he said it was my fault. No reason why, it was just my fault. He was joking, but he was right. He scares me. I don't like feeling so free, I don't like wanting someone so much, I don't like letting go of myself so easily. It should take longer. Besides, you can't give everything right away, you have to save something for later.

I have been thinking that I want someone in my life again. But I am way too scared to actually let someone in. And if I kissed him then what? He's not right for me, he's just damn sexy intelligent. God I love that.

He dropped me off in the Friendly's parking lot. I had left my car there. I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek and said goodbye.
I slept in someone else's bed last night. It wasn't as nice as my bed. There's a node that asks the question: Why are other peoples' beds more comfortable?, but I disagree wholeheartedly. The other bed just didn't feel right, it was too low to the ground, too soft, it just didn't give me the right support that I require for my sleeping needs. I tossed and turned, randomly woke up, and had strange and scary dreams.

I think I'll sleep in my own bed tonight.
The things I deal with are oh so secret. Could I ever imagine I would end up doing a hush-hush project for my bachelor degree when I started taking biology. Nope, don´t think so.

The people at my department, including myself, are going on some microbiology conferens in Finland in a month or two. Almost everyone are presenting their projects in one way or another, but not me. Oh no. My chief supervisor had quite a serious talk with me the other day explaining that if the hot-shots in our particular field of expertise happen to hear about the results I´ve gotten they´ll go back to their labs and start up experiments about the very same thing I´m working with just to be the first ones to get a publication.

At these moments I first get a feeling of being the James Bond, supersecret agent of microbiology. Then I just feel that the whole thing sucks, bigtime! Without all the hush-hush and the race for major publications science would probably progress much faster, since everybody could benefit from each others results.

But such a naive image of some jolly hippie-scientist utopia just won´t come true. So I´ll just sneak around at the conferense pondering upon my top-secret results and hope for a free martini at the bar, vortexed not centrifuged.

18:16 EET

Hmm, a certain new writeup of mine seems to be dividing opinions really heavily. It was the first time I have voiced an unpopular opinion on E2, as a sort of an experiment. And as I figured, its reputation is waving up and down fast. Then again, maybe the downvotes were cast simply because the writeup is so short and low in quality? Was I too quick to judge the downvoters as being nothing but a bunch of D.A.R.E. puppets?
Maybe. But in any case, I'd better backup the writing in case an editor disagrees with my view and decides to get rid of it.

Speaking of which, my backup process is nearly complete. Some 40 pieces to go, after which I can start backing them up as I write. When that time comes, the hotshot editors can wipe out every single one of my writings for all I care. Having all the contributions safe on my hard disk is enough for me.

Despite the fact that I slept quite badly last night, the day has been good. My projects were on hold at work, allowing me just to IRC and node. My dad paid back the money he had borrowed from me, so I'm not completely broke for a change. Even the weather should be turning towards something-more-appropriate-for-autumn starting tomorrow. Sweet.

Tomorrow will be the last day under my current contract. I really wish they can come up with a good deal for me, otherwise I'm forced to walk out on them. I like the job and the fellow employees, but I'm no slave. Working with a ridiculous and irregular pay is not an option anymore.
I really wish they won't screw this up. Being unemployed wouldn't be that good either.


Track of the day:  Daniel Ibbotson - Celebrate


Today's Writeups
and you thought the USA was the only place with ridiculous laws | Roland Jupiter-8

Nodekeeping
Roland

D. H. Lawrence wrote :

Try to find your deepest issue in every confusion, and abide by that.

The past week and a half have been confusing for the whole family. Well except for my husband who works twelve hours a day and has the enviable position of watching the boys and I adjust to all of the changes going on. He's been helping out by vacuuming and doing the laundry.
Number Two Son has settled in nicely. He likes most of his classes and is catching the bus on time.
Number One Son is still in the process of dropping and adding classes, returning books and getting started on a job with his work study award. He was scheduled to work at the university library yesterday, but he called about an hour after I dropped him off for a ride home because no one had scheduled him for training. As soon as we got home the Recreation Center on campus called and offered him a position . He was pleased with that one because he's always been into physical activities.

I was able to return to working out at the gym Monday. It relieves so much stress to excercise. I missed a few walks last week and the gym so it really felt good to get back into the swing of things again... Yay!! The trainer insisted that I would do well to eat cottage cheese and pineapple for breakfast as a source of protien to gain more muscle. I don't like cottage cheese, when I change what I eat I firmly believe it's a commitment to a lifestyle. It has to be something that I would integrate into my life. Although I don't diet I do believe in eating correctly so she's going to have a few ideas for me to try when I get back. They are so helpful down there. Soon I'll be going to a stretch class to help with flexibility because of muscle atrophy from being bedridden for such a long time.
New knowledge today.
Eat something before I work out in the mornings because my body has been fasting all night and will react by storing fat if there's no food available and drink 8 ounces of water before working out....it washes the lactic acid out of the muscles so they're less sore when I work out.
The doctor's office finally called and set up the neurological testing. Five hours total, three hours on the 14th of September and two hours on the 19th. I really hope they can figure out why I have trouble concentrating and remembering things.

They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer
Acts 2:42
When I pray I am never alone.

Devotion

Today I have gone through more recognizable emotions than ever before in my life. Usually if someone asks how I'm feeling, I am unable to say anything other than, "I don't know," or "Nothing," since that's usually exactly how it is. But today has been a first.

I woke up feeling fine. What? Yes, I felt fine. Not sleepy, not grumpy, not irritated. Not apathetic. I looked forward to starting the day. But then I remembered my French class at Hope College starts today. My mood went through the floor, and I felt so incompetant and nervous that it was a wonder I made it out of bed.

Got to school and saw Mary standing in line to get something to eat. Mary is about 5', and she always makes me feel better by being so tiny. I don't like towering over people that much, but everything about her is so small that I can't help but laugh. Not at her, I think. Just at her being small. So I walked on to my locker feeling great.

I continued feeling just fine until seminar. There is a kid in that class with me who used to go over to my neighbor's house all the time when we were little. My brother threw a rock at him one day (must have been at least five years ago), and it hit the kid right on the forehead and caused all sorts of damage. Blood everywhere. Screaming children. Bad times. I felt responsible for my brother's actions, and so I felt bad for knwoing he had hurt this kid who was now sitting not three feet away from me. What was I supposed to do? Apologize! Yes, I apologized to him right there in class for something that had happened what seemed like a lifetime ago, and I hadn't even been the one to do it. Turned out, this kid didn't even remember what happened. That was when I felt stupid.

On to lunch. My friends and I made plans to meet at Becky's house to have something to eat. I got there first, and who do I see pull into the driveway not a minute later? Darci (See The Twisted Hate Quadrangle). Needless to say, I left a minute later. I had to get to French class anyways. But I couldn't leave before I felt the urge to give Darci a hug and apologize for everything I've ever done to her. I almost started crying before I could get to my car. I felt regret, sadness, and most of all loss. What's wrong with me today?

When I got to Hope, I was so nervous my hands were shaking. Got to class fine, I was the second one there. No nightmares about walking in late came true. Our prof is the sweetest lady. She's originally from Paris and speaks extremely fast. But I caught most of it. Nervousness faded into relief. And now I am at home, happy as a cow.

I'm home sick--I have a nasty cold that has finally gotten the best of me. I had tried to fight it off, but it was going to get me sooner or later.

Pity too--this is the last week of summer in terms of the fact that classes start where I work on Tuesday. So much we didn't get done this summer. Isn't that always the case? I have things I can do from home and take naps when I need, but mostly I've been noding like crazy--I finally hit level 6--I had enough XP about two weeks ago, and just needed lots and lots of writeups. Man, that stinks.

Oh well, I'm pooping out. Time for bed.

this is me losing my mind.

fate is taunting me with a mirage of security. i get soclose and what i was pursuing up and disappears. i've seen a gazillion perfect houses snapped up an hour before i called. selling my car, i've done everything but hand over the title and the person changes their mind. but the plans are made and tickets bought for bumbershoot, so i will find a house by this weekend. the tempo has waited a year already.. it can wait a little longer.

i think about all the times i've shown up to start school and marveled at how excited yet organized everything seems. this is the first time in my life i've witnessed or experienced the confusion that comes during the month before, the feeling of air thick with everyone's hopelessness and rabid fear, the tangible sense of no one knowing what the hell they're doing.

it's said that life used to be simpler, and one's responsibilities all had their time and place. but here mine are all jumbled together, arguing for prevalence, short term priorities battling with long term ones. come to work and be paid or househunt and find a roof to cover my head?

someday it will all end and i will have enough money that i won't have to compete with the unwashed throng of starving students for the cheap places. i'll go live in some waterfront condo and have rich white neighbors with big dove grey buicks. and if i need to get rid of a car, i'll just donate it and be satisfied with the tax write-off. but until such time as my fairy godmother of information technology comes flitting along to bring all this about, i am for all intents and purposes screwed.

i should have married some rich boy when i turned 18 and made a career out of housewifing.

update: i got me a fucking house!! can i get a hell yeah?
Good god man, the last couple of days have been wild. I believe our mail server at work has contracted a virus, and it's shutting down e-mail all over my job's WAN. It's really pissing me off. I've been running around over the local sites, and trying to fix these pop ups, but the program freezes when an administrator logs on. It's really pissing me off. On top of that I had to run cable for some people also, while people continuously ran in to tell me that their e-mail had stopped working. It's really pissing me off.
On the plus side I ran into another old highschool buddy today. He is working at a local bank and has recently gotten married. It's really pissing me off.

One day down only 2 years left. Well it's another day down. And only 2 years to go before I get my degree and get out. My theory on college is as follows: "Go hard, go fast, get out" It's served me well up until this point.

I spent most of today working on New Horizion. It's a computer game I've been writeing for about 3 years now. Game Design and programming is a slow process when your alone and only able to work off and on.

I got a email from my boss today as well. Seems there is some web work they want me to do for them. I worked on that for a little bit. It didn't take very long. It was only an update and a minor one at that.

<<   {hojita} Day Log Navigation   >>

My day was particularily normal. Classes as usual, came back, dinner by myself (nobody was around), hanging around in my room installing (and then playing) NetHack. I'm getting over my sickness, which means I'm still sick, but I am definitely beginning to feel better.

Classes drag on though. I'm not sure why I am here, to be honest. I probably could have graduated this semester with the credits I have with a BS in Computer Science, but scholarship takes care of tuition, and so I feel like I should take the time to enjoy college while I'm here. I don't know what I'm going to do with my time in the next few semesters though. I could major in Spanish if I took about 3 more classes, but it doesn't appeal to me. I'm thinking about taking a bunch of Japanese for the heck of it, but that's only one class a semester. *sigh* I know why I'm here for me, it's because I enjoy the people here, the atmosphere, the time I get to do what I want and still learn. But, it's these damn classes that keep getting in the way ;).

I have begun to slowly get addicted to NetHack. I'm not sure why, being that it is only text (or tiles!) but it seems so innocuous. I died a lot last night. More times than I wish to recount. *mumbles about kitchen sinks and black sludge that appeared* YASD. End of story.

This has led me today to the conclusion that I am easily addicted to things. I don't drink or smoke, which is probably good considering that fact. But I just find myself wasting away playing games obsessively. As a kid, I played Nintendo constantly. My mom had to force me to go play outside. I got Asheron's Call last spring, played over a week and a half in the first month of subscription. I burned out. Depression set in. Sold my character on Ebay. But now, yet another evil looms on the horizon that I will obsess over. *shrug*

Maybe everybody needs something to obsess about. Better a game than something harmful, or unobtainable, or a person.

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