Its 3 in the morning, the high is finally wearing off
Partly due to the fact that I managed to squeeze in some hours of sleep, more so to the plethora of disturbing images
that my mind was inundated with once I reached this higher state of reasoning
One of the great things about being high is that I tend to subjectively analyse myself like I never could under normal circumstances. Now that I am in my third year of college, with two more years to graduation, I feel this introspection is a bit overdue.
What I see I do not like.
It seems that I have taken a vow to do absolutely nothing of any practical consequence ever since I joined college. Most days are spent attending classes and then hanging out in the room with some buddies till its time to get some shut eye. That's it. Oh yeah, maybe also complete the assignment that is due the next day all the while cursing and questioning the silly buffoon to whom it is accredited. Procrastination does have its benefits.
I am in the pits.
Intially I thought that I was getting back at people for all the (supposedly) wrong things that they had done to me. Its as if I could make them suffer by this lackadaisical attitude that I had so slowly but surely developed. The only thing I stopped short of was failing in my term paper. That would be the dumbest thing to do and would only serve to destroy the abysmal level of sanity that I still possess.
I could not have been more wrong.
So how did I turn into this regular nobody? I had been an outstanding student in school, an active member of the Computer Society and a regular on the track. A motley group of friends from all possible walks of life ensured that I was never found wanting for company whatever the mood.
Where did I go wrong ?
A major fiasco in my high school years ensured that I would be gaining entrance into nothing but an average university. And so it was. A mediocre college coupled with mediocre students and soon I found myself too slipping into mediocrity. Nonetheless I assured myself that I would pull through with some sort of an education and move on to a better place for my masters. After all it is the true mark of a hero to rise above and conquer his/her mediocrity. Isnt it ?
I reiterate... I could not have been more wrong.
An immaturish attitude towards everything in general and a deeply-rooted lack of sense of responsibility now just about ensures that I can say bye-bye to my post-graduation dreams also. Dreams I call them becaus they were nothing more than that and I am afraid to turn these dreams into reality because then what else would I have to dream about? I have nothing to show for these past two years in college except the now empty pipe lying on my table. Exemplary results alone are not going to convince the admission people.
Or are they ?
I know that I should be concentrating more on getting the best out of these last two years of college. Maybe doing something worthwhile which if nothing else will atleast ensure that I get to do my post-graduation from a place I like instead of being thrust with a decision that is not mine for the making. The thought of working straight after gradutaion is unnnerving, a possibility I do not want to consider much less explore. I still am not through with education. I havent learnt half the things I would like, havent done the things I would like to do, havent met the people I would like to meet, havent experienced the moments that I would like to experience. The list could go on and on but that is not the point. I feel as I have been living vicariously and that somehow the real me has been lying dead for quite sometime now.
This isnt my stop. Where do I get off?
So is this the end? Have I finally reached pit-bottom and can go absolutely no further down? I read somewhere that once you reach the bottom the only way you can go is up. But what of him who prefers to just lie there, blinded by the fury of his lost dreams?
After all if the hole is small AND plugged how do you know which way is really up ?