Written while listening to :
• Gianna Nannini – Meravigliosa Creatura
• Chris Daughtry – What About Now
• Led Zeppelin – Kashmir
• WAZ – Ordinary Girl
• Cut Copy – Far Away
• Pendulum & The Freestylers – Fasten Your Seatbelts
• AIR - Playground Love
• Hot Chip - One Pure Thought
• Amedeo Minghi – Ricordi Del Cuore
•The Corrs - Breathless
• Vienna Teng - Cannonball
• Lykke Li – I’m good I’m gone
It’s almost 3 a.m. in the morning and I can’t sleep because of the thoughts racing as if competing in the Monaco Grand-Prix.
I’m on a rollercoaster of question marks and memories from the last 7 days of Denouement in Turkiye...
If I could sum it up, I would choose the famous words of Honore de Balzac : “A sole hour of living can make up for a century of life.”
Only I would swap “hour” with “week”.
I never, ever imagined that this trip would turn out so extraordinary.
I met special people and unique personalities which connect to mine...My brain was challenged by firewall attack and defense system overload by Serge.
My soul’s strings were tickled by deeply hidden emotions and stories of Julien.
Serge is the Narcissus - Adonis kind of guy that had everything and was never refused any wicked demand of a spoiled childhood. Always in the center of attention, drawn either by himself, either by his actions, addicted to self love and vanity as the air we breathe, was struck by my dare and ability to strike back his misogynistic and sexist-pig comments. On catching both of us alone, the velvet night sky put a spell on our tongues; I’ve had the most ecstatic conversation with this Johnny-Bravo guy...And he was acting all normal, shy, kind, tender, gentle, as if he were almost human.
But on being in a society of more than 2 people, he became the ‘’Casanova meets Snob’’.
I suspect that he never had a real relationship, never knew the shatters and shivers of holding hands and hugs, trembling of flesh and bone caused by sparkle of coup d’foudre ...
Stars bursting inside back-bone, due to lightning-bolts of electric sensations...This is all unknown to this strange human being.
That’s why he has a drinking problem. He drinks far too much, far too often.
I imply that by drinking he’s able to experience some sort of being-alive state.
When he talks about the women he had slept with, or if he doesn’t pay me attention, ( he usually bugged me all the time during the trip, but there were some times when he ignored me) I tend to become anxious, almost as if I were jealous...
But of course that’s silly, because I could never-ever have feelings for such a self-centered beast! Nor does he compare with My Beloved Monster...
When he got really drunk, and all could have turned out a horrid experience at the Turkish Police, he went up on the hotel’s stage and competed in a contest...which he won. During the contest, I was so restless and nervous for his safety, that I couldn’t focus on anything except a particular point on the stage.
What the Heck is going on here?!
That’s when I realized that I actually care (?!?) for the bastard...In a human-like motherly-lover way. Weird, but I can’t describe a coup d’foudre or infatuation, because I only like a part of him, which he doesn’t let out. Alas, I do feel some sort of empathy, mixed together with compassion, the need to protect and show little things which matter, as well as attraction.
If that has a name, you tell me, ‘cause I can’t find the right words to describe what I’m going through.
Julien? The little Devil!
He’s so unaware of the voluptuous cortex he possesses...
The lustful grey matter of his cerebrum is so beautiful that it shatters my bones and breaks the vanes of my veins...
And I see him as The Little Devil always standing on your shoulder and whispering all the wrong things...
It all started when I borrowed his iPod and stunningly discovered that all his 80 GB were made up of my faves...Some, I had forgotten about, hence last year I lost all my music due to a malfunction of iTunes.
On the second day, he came at the pool (he usually got up earlier than the other lazy guys) with a professional photo-camera. I didn't ask, but as I was paying attention to what was being said, I found out that he's very passionate about photography and that he even took private lessons !
That explained why he was carying such a "monster" of a camera! Still, he was taking far more pics of me, and I thought I'm probably fantasizing or something...But as I later found out, right out of his mouth, he was experiencing a sun-burn to his neurons.
Most probably he forgot all about it...
O.K., I'll stop lying to myself now, because if he'd already forgotten about the "summer fling", he probably wouldn't have texted me all these days, telling me how much he misses the setting sun and my impertinent comments on relationships.
I should probably answer the same, but that would mean to give you hopes. Hopes will get you nowhere, because I'm not what you want.
You can't see beyond the flesh and bone, you don't know that for me there's no "grey"; there's only "black" or "white". I never settle for half-measures, and feelings are not to be toyed with.
I'm sorry. But look on the bright side, we'll still spend precious moments together when I come back...It's far better than not spending any time together...
Bee is right, I've returned another person. I don't know where I'm standing, I have absolutely NO CLUE where we're heading, I'm confused about you, me , us, them, and I know I'll have my answers when the time is right. Until then, it's no use to torment myself anymore. I've been tormented enough for the last 2 years...